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Crutch (revised 2)
hobby

Darkness folds in close
 1
and with it respite,
 2
when the lark stirs, her nest
 3
un-altered, is ringed in thorn:
 4
 
 
Oh child, come - untroubled;
 5
I bring my forehead to impious hands
 6
and barter.
 7
 
 
Faith, my foe, her brightness - dims
 8
but in you there is reason, will,
 9
and in man there is method,
 10
so on, on!
 11
 
 
      To rest now, as the minutes press
 12
      hard against the shrinking sky.
 13
      My senescent eyes betray
 14
      the kiss blown from my lips -
 15
      never leaving them.
 16
      In halcyon repose, I cede
 17
      to this dawn-less night.
 18
      
 19
 
 
Unskilled light moves between the cracks,
 20
reason forfeit for possibility
 21
and behind the thorns
 22
a hatchling.
 23



Hopefully it is a little more accessible now.

9 Dec 06

Rated 8.7 (8.7) by 11 users.
Active (11): 2, 4, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (0): 9, 10

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Comments:

This is great. Not really sure what to say... the more retro feel to this works wonders on it.
 — Virgil

virgil, thanks muchly
 — hobby

Yup, a good poem. It closes nicley.
 — unknown

your words are wise.
 — listen

hi hobby,
very nice-super cool-trite edit.
the voices are much clearer now.
and the format is looking very good for this piece.
also, the narrative/idea is also much clearer.

thank you for considering my suggestions.
 — varun

Varun, debt is mine – thank you for our advice. On many a poem we have had ideas in conformation and ideas which sit at right angles to one another, this is what I treasure in poetry, the individualism we each bring - new perspective. Your advise will always be gladly received.
Rgds
hobby
 — hobby

fuck art. fuck football & fuck the moan-a lisa
 — unknown

i agree with the perspective comment, hobby.

have a good one.
 — varun

this is a nice construction but i don't know what it's supposed to represent as verse. is it for young adult, gothic? everything depends on the overloading of certain terms: everything means more than it means, and yet the meaning is just "i feel", and the author isn't sharing anything. as an opera it would work, with sets and long music. then the little rocs and phoenix might peek out at the ending and smile at us. phrases like "unskilled light" have no meaning except in a poem like this, and that should make you worry: are you saying anything real? and, if not, and intentionally, why isn't this more fantastic? it's so closed down tight, like hiding in a trunk. that's what it is to me, it's like hiding in a little box, seeing the dark, sensing your breath and body, and sort of scared, but it's not like hiding in an empty museum, one filled with potentially wonderful shadows and shapes.
 — mikebauer

nice
 — unknown

Mike,
thank you for your candid feedback – an honest appraisal, favorable or otherwise is always appreciated.

In poetry we are challenged to extend the meaning of the language we use – to be creative with the common place. Terms such as unskilled light have an implication which serves the point, in context. Yes, out of context, it may not translate the same meaning but it is no less valid.

You see no shadows because you are looking directly at the light, avert your eyes from the main beam and casts abound.

Again, thank you -  I appreciate your frankness,
Rgds
 — hobby

I liked this prose exercise, it has a certain feel about it, unfortunately it fell apart at line twenty five, were it became a nonsense.

Humbles or Umbles are the entrails of deer, hence humble pie.

Mor.
 — unknown

Mor,
I agree, L25 still irks me also - I am considering some revison to that stanza. In the meantime I thank you for reading and for your feedback.
 — hobby

Revised
 — hobby

wow Mor, almost a civil comment
 — unknown

On the whole, I found it confusing, but I'll not rate it poorly for not understanding.  That said, I like it.
 — technomancer

The voices are still confusing.  I suspect a lark-mother as the subject, but she is defined in a rough pencil sketch.  

The colon at the end of the 1st stanza indicates the 2nd stanza as the words of the lark, which begins a cavalcade of confusion.  The lark sympathetically beckons the child (I assume the speaker) to "come - untroubled", but then the lark itself arrives to barter at the hands of a child irreverent towards God or her parents, probably both.

L8-9 -- this is where the real confusion begins.  Who is "her"?  And in wondering that, I suddenly wonder who the hell the subject is altogether.

L10 -- "will" dangles independently, perhaps to dominate the stanza with its importance.  I'm not buying it.  It throws the whole stanza off-kilter and thus creates imbalance in the entire piece.

4th stanza is set apart on purpose as if the author is aware of the shift taking place, that being, the lark revealed as mother (which anyone with an understanding of symbols already knew).  It shifts abruptly, the diction totally adjusts without warning, and I'm left dizzy.  The 4th stanza could stand independently as its own poem.  And, also, whatever meaning is supposed to be derived from old eyes betraying an unspecified gestured is lost on me.

L21-23 what?  Now the subject is a stranger?  How then does a stranger's hope-requesting hands overwhelm our speaker and transmute her suffering into enlightenment?  Baffling.  Move the semi-colon to just after "overwhelms" in L23, and replace the semi-colon in L21 with a dash.

L25 -- makes absolutely no sense to me, at least in proportion to the rest of that stanza.

I know this criticism is somewhat scathing, but I put serious thought into this piece because I respect its attempts.  I just think its pedantic and overwrought.  I have to give it a 4.
 — aurelius

Hi aurelius
Your criticism is gladly accepted, and the effort and time expended is appreciated, although I am disappointed that you found it so confusing. I have tried to avoid being blatant but perhaps in doing so there is too great a responsibility placed on the reader.

As you have correctly surmised L10 is set was set on its own for additional emphasis, I have now returned it to its original location on L9 . The fourth stanza does have different pace and is set aside to provide a clear separation due to this and the change of subject. I am in agreement with you that L15 may be too vague.  

Thank you again for engaging with the poem and for providing your comments.
Rgds
 — hobby

revised
 — unknown

Infinitely more accessible.  Good work.
 — aurelius

fabulous edit hobby.
can't rate it any higher. humph.
 — varun

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