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If I could call you a colour
jenakajoffer

If you saw my little indigo jeans
 1
or my newly formed tan breasts that
 2
jiggle just enough-
 3
or noticed that a couple of my chins have packed their bags-
 4
or how well I hide my missing teeth
 5
even while smiling as wide as your ass,
 6
which is what I do most these days…
 7
 
 
Or if you heard that I wear my river Nile stretch marks
 8
with pride
 9
in a dozen orange bikinis-
 10
or if you saw my husband-to-be with his movie star
 11
good looks;
 12
tough but charmed in so many ways-
 13
hockey player, golfer, witty loving father,
 14
partier-poet.
 15
 
 
If you remember
 16
my kids used to be imps
 17
but you'd see their tails have disappeared
 18
in your absence
 19
and in fact they really are just kids.
 20
 
 
If you hear my laughter carried through
 21
the skies and look up
 22
you'll see clouds shaped like ponies and kisses
 23
and Christmas
 24
and possibly my middle finger-
 25
 
 
If you saw me in my new life,
 26
with my perfect picket-fence family
 27
and if I could call you a colour,
 28
 
 
I’d call you chartreuse
 29
because damn you’d envy me,
 30
but be too much of a coward to find it for yourself.
 31

30 Nov 06

Rated 8.5 (8.4) by 22 users.
Active (22): 2, 3, 4, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (7): 1, 6, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(12 more poems by this author)

(7 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

Loved it!
 — Courtney01

if i could
call you...
a colour it would beeeeeeeeeeee












spoon.
 — chuckles

This made me laugh.  Just a few small things.  You might change imps to devils.  I would change line 18 to "more beautiful than ever."  Not sure what a cloud kiss would look like but I love the ponies and the middle finger.  Line 12 - charmed or charming?  Charming feels better to my mental ear.

I don't know that you need that footnote.  It isn't helping the reader understand the poem and it might be distracting.  
 — Isabelle5

spoon??
yet another riddle for me to solve...
Favourite eh...thankoo!

Yes, I had planned to remove the footnote, it was to be temporary.  
Devil gives steroetypical images of evil, an imp is the perfect word for my once mischievous/out-of-control children.
Sorry about your mental ear, hehe.  Charmed it is.
Thanks for your comments Isabelle.
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

I absolutely love it!!!
 — Nerezza

very original!!!
great sense of humor!
 — fahrenheit

Another simple, yet wonderfully crafted piece!
 — unknown

this is great, you go girl!!!
 — dax

This, like all of your poetry is just so well delivered, you have a way with your written voice that paints the picture beautifully, and powerfully!  L20-24 my favorite.  Love how you carried me through the ending too.  Keep up the great work!
 — unknown

If I could call you a color, it wouldn't be black...people prefer "African-And then the name of the non-african country." African american...african-german, african-portugese!
7/10
 — Henry

best poem i've read here in a long time
 — SeHem

oh man, this is excellent. 9, and on favourites list. as soon as i find out who you are, i'm reading your other poems.
 — chloee

I hate to cluster you all together to express my thanks and delight in your enjoyment, (cuz I like to be personal) but by-the-sufferin' there's too many of you to name!
I'm really surprised, thanks again everyone.
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

cool poem, love it
Meep
 — unknown

My poetic ear must be fine tuning itself because after a few lines, I got that little flash that said, "hmmm...this sounds like Jen," and it IS JEN!  Very cool poem in the way that its feminity is raw and yet, so meaty at the same time.  I think poems like these find you in your best light as a writer.  L's 20-24 are what make me proud to have befriended you on P.C.  These lines kick poetic ass.  I don't know what else to say except that I encourage you to continue to sculpt and perfect that voice and capture the tones and colors on paper.  Very moving piece, Jen.  Keep on, girl.
 — starr

Thanks Meep!

Oh Starr, thank you so much!  I'm really touched by your comment.  
I too, agree that this kind of "autobiographical" style is kinda my thing.  
The less time I spend on something seems to turn out best.  
I'm proud of you too, you're awesome!  
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

Yes, you speak for many.  I could see you at an inspirational group for empowering women/mothers w/out bieng a Lib-freak.  This is great.
 — unknown

Ponies and kisses? Gross.
 — FolleRouge

Brilliant. Should there be a comma after line 13? Also, why are your breasts newly formed, plastic surgery? Thought you were talking about a young girl till I got to the strech-mark bit! I couldn't write something as witty as this so thanks for doin it for me.
 — unknown

Wow, thanks unknowns, what a crazy amazing thing to say.
I'm going to change L13 to improve what I was going for.  
Thank you so much.
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

jen, u have this awesome way with your words!!!! luv it...
 — eurobaby

Witty!
 — unknown

what is wrong with ponies and kisses?
 — Nerezza

Wow, Jena. Spetacular come to mind.
 — unknown

I loved it.... and said with respect to whomever posted the 'imps to devils' comment... i do prefer imps because it is less known and forces a small bit of thought on the readers part... this to me is a serious topic and requires thought and reflection.   You did a fantastic job and I give you a ten!  =)
 — loveart416

You've demonstrated ably the way to take feelings like this and capture them in a poem that is colourful and interesting.

My compliments.

The first stanza has a bit of a run-on sentence feel around lines 4-5. I think you improve that by moving the words around a bit. I.E.:
"or noticed a couple of my chins have packed their bags -
or how well I hide my missing teeth..."

I found the third stanza especially moving, and enjoyed your poem.

Regards,
 — rocket

Amazing! I adored it!
 — Alvida24

I hadn't seen this before, so I'm rapt that it popped up on the 'recently commented'.  What great writing.  I really liked this.  Thanks for an enjoyable read.
 — CervusWright

I'm glad this made it to the top rated list! I really liked it the first time I read it and I like it now. ^^ Good job!
 — Nerezza

thanks 'loveart', glad you saw the imps as well.
rocket, very excellent suggestion, I thank you.
Alvida, Cervus, Nerez...I always get a little embarrased to see a poem of mine reach where it is right now, considering the wonderfully talented poets I'm up against here, but thank you kindly.  
I am happy you liked this.
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

this is good..i loved this first stanza.
 — Imperfect

i absolutely love this...wonderful writing. 4th stanza really hit me as uniquely funny and witty. all around though, i like :)
 — GreenDreams

Clouds shaped like Christmas...so obscure and impossibly delightful.

I love this piece more than anyone can imagine. I read it twice or three times before commenting, just to make sure I got the message, and it's new every time.

Thanks for this, I may begin writing again solely on desire to live up to this piece.

Tens and stuff!

--Forsaken
 — A_Forsaken

awesome.
 — scarlettK

this is simply kick ass. this is the ultimate f-you poem. well-writtten i am blown away. rock on.
 — lanezfairy

Really cleverly done, this made me really LOL. Loved the tone of the whole thing and its underlaying absurdity.

Larry in every dream home Lark
 — larrylark

i guess it is true, humour is the a sign of intelligence! unique! i loved it!
 — crismonblue

Good color choice.  Chartreuse is thick and mucky and looks kind of like how I imagine cholesterol would look.  And the word itself even sounds like envy.

This poem is resilient and brazen.  It breathes new air into a time-worn formula.  It's an artistic stiff upper lip.  The first two strophes are hard-assed and biting and clever and I love them.  The third, however, L15-19, falls flat.  It's just too Confessing to Oprah on Live Television.  I wonder if there's a better way to hint at the meanings intended there.

The title indicates that the subject will be the personification of a color-- and that is only the case at the tale end, L28-30.  I want to see more shades of yellow and green throughout the piece, so that I get some sort of cognitive, palatable picture of this man.  Rather than being told explicitly by the speaker that he will be jealous.

All in all, though, middle-aged divorcees will adore this poem.  8.
 — aurelius

thanks for all the awesome feedback everyone.
aurelius, I totally agree with you about the 3rd; I felt that way from the beginning but now since someone has thought the same, I will do something to fix it.  
thank you for your helpful comments.
jen-
 — jenakajoffer

I like the tails images, but L20 is still too plain for me.
Also, I'm going to break one of my own rules (varun is going to be furious at my hypocrisy) and show you how I would edit this.  Just as food for thought.

I would bring the piece out of hypothesis and into command:

look at my little indigo jeans,
my newly formed tan breasts that
jiggle just enough--
notice the chins have packed their bags
and my missing teeth, well hidden,
smile as wide as your ass.

my Nile River stretch marks
I wear with pride  
in a dozen orange bikinis--
look--

the tails of my children
have disappeared
in your absence.

listen to my laughter
in the skies, look up--
to the pony-shaped clouds,
the kisses, Christmas, possibly
my middle finger--

if I could call you a colour,

I'd call you chartreuse.
 — aurelius

aurelius,
you have reshaped my words in an interesting style.  
I like some of it, not all...not liking that you skipped my whole fiancee bit, I'm very proud of him.  But I can understand why.
I know, for poetry...what can I say?  The parts that mean the most to me sound the least creative.  Damn.
I am wondering, what is the rule you broke here?
Although I really appreciate the time you took on this I really want to keep it an "if" poem, for now anyway.
Does anyone else think it sounds better in command? That would help me considering so many have already made this a favourite.
I will probably edit this again, with your advice on the flat areas.  I agree, poor line 20.

Thanks,
Jen-
 — unknown

One of the first comments I made on this site was directed at varun for reprinting someone's piece as he'd have done it in their comments section.  I felt at the time it was overstepping a creative boundary.  After having my ass handed to me by the Oxford kids over at everypoet.org, I feel differently.

I figured you'd say that about the fiance, and you guessed correctly -- that section isn't poetic.  Doesn't mean it couldn't be.
I recommend a separate work for your husband-to-be.  That will give you the freedom to romanticize and poeticize him without trying to condense what he means to you into one stanza amidst a shove-it-in-your-ex's-face piece.
Same with the kids.  I liked the use of "imp", by the way.  I just couldn't make it work for me, so I did the hard thing and struck it.

I can't figure out why I'm so willing to expend this energy on you and your work.  Everything I read of yours hooks me.
 — aurelius

I've been waiting for someone like you to come along and actually be willing to take the time to offer good advice.  I really value that you know.  I am not very poetic, in fact I don't even think what I write is poetry but I do know that somehow I reach people so that's why I stay here.  I would like to spend some time, when I have a little bit that's quiet, to think of these suggestions and actually work with paper and pencil.  I'm far too much a fan of instant gratification and I'm too impulsive.  I must learn patience.

Your comments are really great.  I agree with you totally, on the other poem as well.
I'm glad you've been hooked!
Thanks so much aurelius, much appreciated.
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

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