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Midgery Lane
Leanan

I saw you for the first time,
 1
On Midgery Lane
 2
That idealistic road with
 3
Stolen trollies in the rain
 4
 
 
I wanted it to never change
 5
 
 
I met you for the first time,
 6
On Midgery Lane
 7
The sparkling avenue with
 8
Graffiti on the window panes
 9
 
 
I wanted it to stay the same
 10
 
 
But now I walk down,
 11
The tarmacced Midgery Lane
 12
That perfect country road where
 13
Every house looks the same
 14
 
 
They changed the lane.
 15

29 Nov 06

Rated 8.2 (8.2) by 7 users.
Active (7): 6, 7, 7, 8, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (0):

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Comments:

urban development - the vandals!
Meep
 — unknown

Line 12 Midgery Lane tarmac scans better.
 — unknown

"But now I walk down
Midgery Lane tarmac"?

If I got what you where saying wrong, help me out.
 — Leanan

I saw you for the first time,
on Midgery Lane  
That idealistic road with
Stolen trollies in the rain
    
I wanted it to never change  
    
I met you for the first time,  
On Midgery Lane  
Sparkling avenue
with graffiti on
blank window panes  
    
I wanted it to stay the same  
    
But now I walk down,  
tarmacked Midgery Lane  
That perfect country road
where  
each house looks the same      

Please tell me
who changed my lane?

How about that? Made a few suggestions for you.
 — unknown

MidgeUre Lane is in my face and up my farce
 — unknown

I don't like "please tell me who changed the lane" I prefer. "They changed the lane" Because I know who did it, and why.
 — Leanan

On Midgery Lane, just yesterday armed robbers escaped down the lane, leaving a burning car in their wake.

That's why midgery lane is brilliant.
 — Leanan

Hi Leanan

so evocative and English recalling the style of Ray Davies. Fine work
 — larrylark

Excellento! honest imagery with simple beautiful words. your poem would look even better if you cut down the number of "I"s. it will also provide a slight continuum to some of the lines. Line 5 could simply be "wanted it to never change" and yet be so evocative.
goodluck. nice poem
 — trochee

Thanks for the suggestion, I'm thinking change the "I wanted it to never change" to "Wanting it to never change"
 — Leanan

your sense of longing and melacholy for a moment that remains with you is simply and wistfully portrayed here.

concise, great meter and the quatrains have lovely assonance in the ryhming scheme, very subtle with touches so light you'd hardly notice them.

i like it as it is, i feel some nostaliga reading this, and thats a good thing :)

keep writing :)

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

I like it but unfortunately, it does not read right

I would recommend you read it out aloud at the top of your voice
Then it will become apparent as to what is wrong

I like the general concept it’s great. It just does seem to ring right

Try playing around with the words and vowel sounds see if you can get better swing to it

Try something like this; see what it sounds like to you

I saw you for first time
on Midgery lane
An idealistic road, with
stolen trolley’s, in the rain

I never wanted it, to change.

Meeting you for the first time
on Midgery lane
Its avenue sparkling
with graffiti’s windowpane.

I wanted it to stay the same

But now I walk down
tarmac’s Midgery lane
A country way perfect
where each house looks the same.


Mor.
 — Mor

It's just the lyrics of a song my band wrote, put into verse.
Eventually I will make amendments to make it more of a poem, but for now, it's just an... idea if you like, that's there. Thanks for the suggestions.
 — Leanan

a suggestion should come from those who comment, but i will add something to Mor's help: for some reason, the way he wrote your awesome words made the image of sparkling avenue come alive ... i think it was just the way he worded it, that was all, i just noticed the sparkle in his voice.

this is very good anyway, especially for a mere cast out idea. in my understanding this is better than that.

the comment above does seem a little pointless, however, as you said you aren't receiving any comments at this time.

nice poem, anyway.
 — listen

A most important element is missing from a previous comment including changes, and thats the final line, this is perhaps the axis point on which the entire cyclic nature of the structure revolves around.

As a spoken piece this has well constructed pause and breath.

The arrangement of line 5 is fine as it is balanced by the 'aye' sound in both the words 'change' (end line 5) and 'same' (end line 10), the addition of a comma isn't necessary, I would also suggest the comma you place in line 11 might be removed too.

But otherwise this piece feels complete by the tone and reverbs of your own voice here.

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

Like Mongrol said, it's my own voice that this is in. I don't wish to change the word order, but thanks for the suggestion.

It's not pointless to give me suggestions, it's not like I'm never going to read this again, and finally, I'll probably review this tomorrow, as I have nothing to do prior to 12oclock.
 — Leanan

I would be very interested to hear this put to your music - you have links?
 — Mongrol

I write song lyrics mainly to the music of others.

I am at a lose to understand the purpose for the posting of this.
Disregarding the utter nonsense written by mongrol, there little in these few scraps of words which actually is commendable in a lyrical sense.

As a poem, and as a previous reviewer pointed the fault lies in the stilted composition of your posted work.
As you state you have no intentions of changing anything I am at a lose to understand why you are asking for help and then presuming to waste our time in the process.
I think help maybe somewhat short forth coming in the future with your type of attitude.
Incidently, I personally think the second version is vastly superior to yours by way of tonal quality; yours has rather jagged edges to its cyclic nature.
 — unknown

Please keep personal comments of others out of peoples poetry comment section.

There's a forum for just that.
 — Mongrol

The second version is trite and misplaced in its tonal scansion. The original is far superior.
 — Mongrol

In conducting tonal scansion, the pitch is normally supplied in the English language by the verb.

I think mor was right. And that you need to practice what you preach

I think the matter is purely academic the writer has no intention of changing anything, and you are merely trying to garner support for your own lamentable ratings  
 — unknown

Ignore the hydra's many voices L. They all spout nonsense; this is a little gem and set to music, even lovlier. You have talent - the revised version is horrible.
 — unknown

It will be interesting to see what kind of music this can be set too.
The tone-deaf kind perhaps.
 — unknown

Not entirely correct about tonal scansion.

Scansion is representation of the rhythmical patterns in the poem, a syllable that is stressed in context, a syllable that is unstressed in context, indications of pauses and breaks etc etc

Verb or noun, or adjective has little to do with it. These are the devises of description yes, not scansion. It is about the meter and pattern.

The version that was presented by Mor falters terribly in it's scansion and it's imagery - 'graffitti on the window panes' reads entirely to form for this than 'grafitti's window pane', can graffiti own a house in order to posses a window pane?

.. and yes, absolutely right of the poet here not not change their voice in this piece.
 — Mongrol

Being semi literate you would not have noticed in the first version that trollies and tarmacced were in fact words incorrectly spelt’

So tell me again how you marvellous scansion technique works, it will be interesting to show it scanned both in syllabic stress and your tonal scansion.

Mor.  
 — Mor

Please keep personal attacks against other commentators out of these sections and confine them to the forums.

This is about the poetry here, not about your attempts to reclaim some credibility.
 — Mongrol

Scan the piece, and show by actions not nonsensical rhetoric , how you arrive at your conclusions.
Mor.
 — Mor

I refer you to the comment I made above.
 — Mongrol

Song?  I am watching this happen where I live, caught the feeling quite well.  
 — Isabelle5

6
 — unknown

Mortuis, I am unimpressed.

I have heard of your previous exploits, and I'd prefer it if you didn't resort to your old tricks to talk to me. If you want to say something negative, say it to me under your own name, no one will think any less of you for doing so.

Also, I will not enter arguments with you, any attempts at coaxing me into that situation will be ignored.

Leanan
 — Leanan

Before you start patting your self on the back, you ought to sort your spelling out first.

I don’t know who Mortuis is or what you have heard so it is of no interest to me, I hope you improve; greatly.

Apollyon.
 — unknown

The Hydra rears another of it's heads...
 — Leanan

Join the long list of the forgotten Leanan, your ten seconds of glory are gone
 — unknown

What glory?! I'm posting poetry to recieve criticism.
And it's 15 minutes of fame.

Leanan
 — unknown

L's fame has hardly started, but it's coming. You on the other hand.........
 — unknown

This poem, in my opinion, is far superior to your newest poem. Capitalizing each new line is distracting and it could use some punctuation also, but the content is fantastic.
 — yes

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