poetry critical

online poetry workshop



oh two
unknown

blue blood boils and
 1
bubbles up to surface,
 2
choking for breath,
 3
yawning forgiveness, retention,
 4
repention
 5
redemption colors me red
 6

28 Nov 06

Rated 6.3 (6.3) by 5 users.
Active (5): 2, 5, 6, 8
Inactive (0): 9

(define the words in this poem)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
MsNewBooty



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Comments:

did you check somewhere for 'repention'? i can't find it.
i did find 'repentance'. which i think is what you are looking for...

nice pome.

could get yourself rid of that 'the' in line 2.
try a full stop after 'forgiveness' in line 4. and a comma after 'repention' [which should be repentance]...

maybe i was looking at the wrong place...
 — varun

fyi to y'all:repention is a play on words, poetic license — its real world counterpart: repentance/ scruffs up the rythm and is so ordinary...i like this one just as is...could have been penance, but i prefer the new one. do you not see it??  repentance modified by 'gasping for forgiveness' leaves a feeling of breathless desperation (repention)  totally
 — jesusgun

[..........................]
 — unknown

I like this. Very powerful poem.

Could I suggest some minor changes;

blue blood boils
and bubbles to the surface,
choking for breath,
gasping for forgiveness,
redemption colours me red

Don't quite understand the title.
 — JustineCH

[!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
 — unknown

O2 justine

this poem really sucks
 — unknown

If it sucks, then why don't you tell me how to FIX IT. I'm aware that it's not perfect. That's why I posted it. Because I want to improve it. I'm not the type to get defensive. Just let me know what could use improving and why you think so.
 — unknown

Well. It's a start.

I notice that others have commented about "repention" and it's still there, so I won't make a big case for it. I really don't know why you wouldn't just use repentance. It's accurate, it has a smooth sound and a lot of weight.

I find the biggest problem with this poem is there's little personality, just an image. I don't know anything about whoever is choking for breath or what they need redemption for, so it's hard to care.

I don't think you need to expand this greatly, but if you could try to reword this to give some context, any context to the reader, it's help a lot.

Just suggestions. Good luck.
 — dandy

wow i really like this allot ya heard me
 — MsNewBooty

listen to dandy.
 — jesusgun

hmm....maybe take out repention and change Bubbles to something else....*can't think of a word to replace it with* but otherwise it is good. just too many 'b' words.

I think those that don't like this poem just don't have any appretiation for simple things.
 — Nerezza

What is repention?  Do you mean repentance?

I have no idea what you're doing here.

I don't know if poetic license extends to making up words to "fit." Unless you're Doctor Seuss, use a read word.
 — Isabelle5

'I don't know if poetic license extends to making up words to "fit." Unless you're Doctor Seuss, use a read word.'

Was that to me? If it was, I didn't say 'make up a word to fit', I said to switch the word 'bubble' with something else. I am no Doctor Suess, Isabelle, and I am not saying to make up a word. I feel offended with your comment to me about me being Doctor Suess and saying that I said soemthing I actually didn't.
 — Nerezza

Nerezza,

I believe Isabelle was referring (as Varun and I also did) to the author's use of "repention", not your suggestion.

I do not think you have a need to be offended.
 — dandy

lmao woooooow
 — MsNewBooty

Ok, thank you and all is forgiven, then, right?

Also, I feel I have heard 'repention' before. But besides that, I like this poem.
 — Nerezza

Edited this a bit. Let me know what you think.
 — unknown

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