poetry critical

online poetry workshop

oh two

blue blood boils and
bubbles up to surface,
choking for breath,
yawning forgiveness, retention,
redemption colors me red

28 Nov 06

Rated 6.3 (6.3) by 5 users.
Active (5): 2, 5, 6, 8
Inactive (0): 9

(define the words in this poem)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)

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did you check somewhere for 'repention'? i can't find it.
i did find 'repentance'. which i think is what you are looking for...

nice pome.

could get yourself rid of that 'the' in line 2.
try a full stop after 'forgiveness' in line 4. and a comma after 'repention' [which should be repentance]...

maybe i was looking at the wrong place...
 — varun

fyi to y'all:repention is a play on words, poetic license — its real world counterpart: repentance/ scruffs up the rythm and is so ordinary...i like this one just as is...could have been penance, but i prefer the new one. do you not see it??  repentance modified by 'gasping for forgiveness' leaves a feeling of breathless desperation (repention)  totally
 — jesusgun

 — unknown

I like this. Very powerful poem.

Could I suggest some minor changes;

blue blood boils
and bubbles to the surface,
choking for breath,
gasping for forgiveness,
redemption colours me red

Don't quite understand the title.
 — JustineCH

 — unknown

O2 justine

this poem really sucks
 — unknown

If it sucks, then why don't you tell me how to FIX IT. I'm aware that it's not perfect. That's why I posted it. Because I want to improve it. I'm not the type to get defensive. Just let me know what could use improving and why you think so.
 — unknown

Well. It's a start.

I notice that others have commented about "repention" and it's still there, so I won't make a big case for it. I really don't know why you wouldn't just use repentance. It's accurate, it has a smooth sound and a lot of weight.

I find the biggest problem with this poem is there's little personality, just an image. I don't know anything about whoever is choking for breath or what they need redemption for, so it's hard to care.

I don't think you need to expand this greatly, but if you could try to reword this to give some context, any context to the reader, it's help a lot.

Just suggestions. Good luck.
 — dandy

wow i really like this allot ya heard me
 — MsNewBooty

listen to dandy.
 — jesusgun

hmm....maybe take out repention and change Bubbles to something else....*can't think of a word to replace it with* but otherwise it is good. just too many 'b' words.

I think those that don't like this poem just don't have any appretiation for simple things.
 — Nerezza

What is repention?  Do you mean repentance?

I have no idea what you're doing here.

I don't know if poetic license extends to making up words to "fit." Unless you're Doctor Seuss, use a read word.
 — Isabelle5

'I don't know if poetic license extends to making up words to "fit." Unless you're Doctor Seuss, use a read word.'

Was that to me? If it was, I didn't say 'make up a word to fit', I said to switch the word 'bubble' with something else. I am no Doctor Suess, Isabelle, and I am not saying to make up a word. I feel offended with your comment to me about me being Doctor Suess and saying that I said soemthing I actually didn't.
 — Nerezza


I believe Isabelle was referring (as Varun and I also did) to the author's use of "repention", not your suggestion.

I do not think you have a need to be offended.
 — dandy

lmao woooooow
 — MsNewBooty

Ok, thank you and all is forgiven, then, right?

Also, I feel I have heard 'repention' before. But besides that, I like this poem.
 — Nerezza

Edited this a bit. Let me know what you think.
 — unknown