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Kissing Pale Fire
Mongrol

Pale fire rising whispering burn me
 1
out of the air and against cold stone,
 2
tell me why are you so pale
 3
in this sterling light - in the shadow
 4
of this yew crowded by the dreams
 5
of the long sleeping - in the fragrance
 6
of twilights' jasmine embrace.
 7
 
 
Pale fire lower your eyes onto me
 8
under this flickering shade,
 9
is the moon rising in your hand
 10
so early tonight - in the ink black
 11
static pause your white lips open
 12
ever so slowly - murmuring soft
 13
nocturnal enchantments to me.
 14

(this is a work in progress - and will probably be reposted when completed - i have no idea how long it will be)

22 Nov 06

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Comments:

woweezowee
push th'punctuation button...
quick!
good start-pleeeeeeeeeze finish
 — chuckles

punctuation as intended ::)
 — Mongrol

Hmm.  
"Pale fire rising" doesn't really suck me in the way a poem's first words should.  I'm indifferent; not truly wondering what lies beyond those three, somewhat empty/cliche words.  Perhaps think of a new image.
"burn me/out of the air" is a really creative image that does combat the original one's cliche, but I'd still alter your begining.
"cold stone" is cliche.  Stone can be so many other, interesting things and yet we always seem to head straight for "cold."
I love the question posed to the stone in L3.  Adds interest.
"Sterling light" isn't as creative as it could be.  Replacing "sterling" is the best bet.
Comma after "yew," I believe - as is it runs into the next part of the sentence in a confusing way.  The comma will keep things clear but still maintain your deliciously chaotic atmosphere.
I like that you address "twilights'" fragrance, but I think the idea could be stronger.  Perhaps do not specify that it smells of "jasmine," and only that the fragrance is that of "twilights' embrace."  This leaves the exact scent up for interp for your writers - always a great way to add interest.
"Flickering shade" is brilliant.  Simply brilliant.  Love how you thought of the shade as flickering, not the light casting it.  Brill.
Ls10-11 contain a question, but it doesn't make sense.  I may simply be confused, but I think "is" is incorrect.
"Ink black" is very cliche.  Other, more original things are black.
The image of pausing "white lips open" is made blurry by "ever so slowly."  I picture the mouth frozen open, so how is it moving slowly?  

A great begining.  Sorry for my legnth - I tend to be verbose. :)
 — WordsAndMe

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