poetry critical

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My favourite beer
unknown

Smartly designed
 1
in blue and gold,
 2
the cans atop the second shelf
 3
of my sparse fridge await.
 4
 
 
Heaven-for-the-waist brocolli
 5
and guava yoghurt battle for space
 6
with the creamiest cheese
 7
and my Mars indulgences.
 8
 
 
But you I revere
 9
with the dedication of
 10
a shelf for you and you alone.
 11
 
 
My first time out in the open
 12
drinking in parental defiance
 13
and celebration of life and sex and rock n' roll,
 14
you were there.
 15
After a stressful day it's you I reach for,
 16
(just one or two mind you),
 17
before I head out on the town or just at a party
 18
you are the one.
 19
 
 
Now I'm beginning to frighten the audience
 20
with my little once harmless and humerous
 21
now lunicated rant so I'll put you down,
 22
and I'll click submit.
 23

18 Nov 06

Rated 7.7 (7.7) by 3 users.
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Comments:

Great, but the quality does suffer after line 12. In fact either clean it up or delete it (from line 12 on). The ideas are good, but it needs to be written more poetically (don't ask me its why Im never on the best whatever lists!). Love the fridge discription! Oh and comma after line 2 might be a good idea.
 — bleach

Never, never drink beer out of cans, and design doesn't matter. I'm thinking you should drink some Belgian trappist mate :p
 — Enimie

Yea you have to watch it or you start turning into the beast buried deep within.

Larry a ruined life Lark
 — larrylark

cool poem. I agree that its better before line 12 onwards, but the rest isn't too bad.
Second verse is amazing.
 — icepineapple

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