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The Drunk

or wanting to be.
speechless bus,
city lights form
my galaxy -
euclidean matrices
of degradation; go
head against a vibrating window; no
mercy for the

17 Nov 06

Rated 9 (7.9) by 5 users.
Active (5): 6, 8, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (4): 2, 4, 8, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(4 more poems by this author)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)

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There's something about this that I like, but I can't quite put my finger on it.  I think it's just how well you capture the immediacy of the speaker of the poem.
 — TaylorC

Your punctuation is way off. The first line almost seems to be a question, but either way you look at it it negates the whole poem. Also, the only "poetic" thing you use happens in line 4 and it doesn't really further the meaning of anything aside from reworking a standard cliche expression. Aside from that this is basically a poorly constructed story, good work.
 — Notecompsure

ok well you noticed that my punctuation was off, my idea was to structure it in a confusing fashion... the amount of words per line was chosen completely randomly.
 — idontknow

completely randomly? I think that answers any question I could ever ask you.
 — Notecompsure

Having been in that mind space I picked up on the broken hammering of the mundane assault of reality in this. I like it.
 — www922

thanks again Notecompsure for your constructive comments.  I believe I can ask any question to myself on behalf of you from now on as well, and that you can answer them before you have formed the question.  
 — idontknow

This says it. I have been on that bus many times.

Larry ticket to ride lark
 — larrylark

 — Notecompsure

Donald Tetto will die a painful death real soon and he will burn in hell.
 — unknown

I've never taken a drunk bus ride, so I can relate more to the "wanting to be" part of line 1 on long trips. lines 4-5-6 are great. relate to the drunk as well as anyone whose greyhound trip seemed like it would never end.
 — SteelAngel

I love this poem.  Yeah...the punctuation is very random indeed, however, the thoughts that make up the poem are as if you were observing this person firsthand.  It's urban and it's great.  Additionally, it's cool how you begin the poem using the word "drunk" as an adjective and then end the poem with it used as a noun.  Just an observation of my own.  I also love L4 "city lights from my galaxy."
"euclidean matrices of degradation" has a strangely melodic flow about it.  I'd just maybe think about readjusting the punctuation (if ya want) and breakin' it up a little bit.  Other than that, it's hot and awesome!
 — starr

I think it deserves a "10" instead of the original "9" I gave it.  I just upped it a notch.  Keep up the great work.  Keep riding busses too.  
 — starr

I originally liked the idea of a randomly chosen lines to contrast the drunk's thoughts with the world he/she is found in, but perhaps there is room for adjustments. Thanks.
 — idontknow

Now, have I changed the punctuation too much, or do you find this better?
 — idontknow

would you consider re-breaking line 7-9?
like so:

city light form
my galaxy -
euclidean matrices
of degradation; go,
 — varun

 — varun

Thanks, very helpful comment!
 — idontknow

This is perfect!  Maybe just throw a line break between 6&7.  Just perfect.  Much better!
 — starr

hey man, thanks for taking me suggestions...
 — varun

Not sure if I understand your suggestion starr.
 — idontknow

i thinkin'

he means




 — chuckles

I hear ya...
 — Cloudless

wow man...that was deep. I love how it spoke....made me think of the darkness, the wounds being drunk can cause and how when you become it, you recieve hardly any mercy. It is like when you aren't drunk, everyone is against you. So you get drunk....and then everyTHING is against you.

The poem spoke to me, man...
 — Nerezza

Considering how high this is on the top list and the distain for the punctuation police that is exhibited by a large portion of the PC population, I will probably be booed for my observations, but…

A comma at the end of line 1 is not necessary.  Lines 1 and 2 do not form a sentence.

A colon would be appropriate at the end of 3, but a semicolon is not.

I really like “Euclidean matrices / of degradation”, but you should use capitalization for that adjective.

I (very) rarely say this, but this poem probably should not be punctuated at all.  Except for 7 through degradation (in 10), you really don’t use sentences in this anyway.

And bringing it home, with the head against a vibrating window, really makes this reader totally empathetic.
 — unknown

Yeah, I agree with you unkown enemy of punctuation, I removed a bunch of commas that i found to be annoying. Capitalized "Euclidean". Thanks, we will see what comments i get from the punctuation critics.
 — idontknow

I think the main thing was that I had to break up the sentences.
 — idontknow

omg u freeking emo weirdos shut up gosh no one cares about ure pomes
 — MsNewBooty

Actually I'm a big fan of properly used punctuation.  That's why I said that I rarely recommend going naked.

I'm also a freak about line breaks, and usually don't approve of such short lines, but I agree with you in this case.

Looks good.
 — unknown

shut it unknown if you are such a big fan of emo poetry thenget a user name unless ure just posteing anonymoysly bcz u know i am gonna bitch you out
 — MsNewBooty

Yeah, unknown, I missed that the first time, but couldn't retract my comments ;).

Please don't use the word emo on the comments page of my poems.  You have obviously missed the point.  
 — idontknow

I like this very much - good rhythm - like the allusions. Maybe you could have been more adventurous with the layout, but it's working well. Effective treatment of subject - stark yet eloquent yet fuzzy.
 — opal

got rid of the commas then. good call.
 — varun

do not tell me what to do i will use the word emo when ever i want
 — MsNewBooty

I actually asked nicely, it was not an order.  We are all free to be ourselves.
 — idontknow

wha eva
 — MsNewBooty

ohhhhhh this is yo poem i gat it now i c y yo would get so pissed when i used the word emo on yo fukin poem
 — MsNewBooty

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