poetry critical : poem

shoes & love

theair

when I slide my shoes off	1
I leave one awry	2

and on pretended whims	3
you nudge them together	4
every single time	5

that is why	6

13 Nov 06

Rated 8.7 (8.5) by 15 users.

Active (15): 5, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (4): 1, 8, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(12 more poems by this author)

(7 users consider this poem a favorite)

Ananke
danika
ebronson
femme_arabe
hostcest
idontknow
themorrigan

Add A Comment:

Comments:

swwet.
— themorrigan

I think you could leave out the last line - with the word 'love' in the title I think it speaks for itself.  I like this.

Sam
— unknown

HAHAHAHA!  I can just see it!  Do you need line 6 that way?  Maybe some action you take, such as it always makes you smile, you understand the need to do it, etc.?  Or maybe it's just the word 'therefore,' as if it's the only reason.

This is so realistic.  The small things that make the big thing.
— Isabelle5

Good logic. The title is okay...but could be better I'm sure. Otherwise...great. 7/10
— Henry

changed the last line. more subtle, I think. maybe not enough. thanks for the comments.
— theair

No, not enough.  Maybe if you changed it to, "I know why," or "We know why."

That conveys love, I think.  Does anyone remember another poem here about shoes, a little boy putting his sisters shoes in order?  This reminds me very much of that.  (I liked it, too).
— Isabelle5

smile
— wayoutwalt

what if you take off line 6 altogether and start the poem with "because"

i love this. favorited.
— Ananke

title changed & incorporated into the poem

air
— unknown

liked it better
with "i love you"...
beena long time since
i prepared t'leave a party
and could only find
wunna my shooooooz
nifty poem
— chuckles

I don't think the "I love you" is implied strongly enough in this for us to catch it unless we had read about it in the comments.  I think you have to make it part of the title or put it in someplace.
— Isabelle5

i agree, without the "love" somewhere (I liked the shoes & love title), you might just as easily be saying that that is the reason you will forever live in different worlds
— Ananke

I think it's important that I get the love part across but I'm stumbling on how to do it in such a compact piece. I could change the title to "I love you because" and take out the last line... put the old title back in... change the last line to 'that is why I love you'... there's a lot of possibilities. I think I'll go back to the original title and leave it as is. thanks for the comments.

air
— unknown

I think I love you because...would be perfect!  I still don't think "that is why" explains anything.  But with that title, you might not need the sentence.
— Isabelle5

that is why

explains everything to me. contradictory to what isa says...

try this for 3-5

on pretentious whims, you
nudge them together
every time.
— varun

sweet and simple.
— SteelAngel

A wonderful little thing - I'm impressed.
— bbucsis

effective. thought-provoking. best poem i've read on here in a long time.
— saysayonara

I enjoyed the charming intimacy of this.
— tanamac

nice.
— fahrenheit

i wear pumas.

they pounce.
— bologna

I don't like the last line. It's too real, too factual for something like this.
— wendz

...
— unknown

Beautiful.  I believe it is best to leave the "that is why what?" to interpretation .
— idontknow

I agree with comments above. I think the last line should go. You have a nice voice.
— maila

oooh, I like.
— unknown

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