poetry critical

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Love Poem

When I first knew you,
the leaves were turning,
winding down,
golden russet like apples
hung on the trees,
and red like,
The mysterious taste of maple syrup
from dark-rooted  earth.
you sprang from the same place,
the place no mendacity can take hold.
I knew you in my dreams
before I saw you,
you were the best of me
and the worst of me ebbed away
and I liked myself.
I liked myself in the fall
and in the scent of winter
when the warm sins
go away.
When I still loved you,
your gentle core.
I will always see you in the fall,
in a swirl of colours,
with whispers
in the treetops.

7 Nov 06

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This is good, but could be better.

You don't need the "and" and the comma in line six; it'll add to the flow.

In L11 "the place no mendacity can take hold" should contain something like either "the place where..." or even, "where no mendacity can take hold."  As it is, the phrase doesn't make sense to me, at least.

L13: before I saw you;

"go away" in line 21 can certainly be strengthened.

There are a few fragments in the poem that could be strengthened, as I am assuming they are used for emphasis.

I really enjoy the last stanza.

And kinda love fall.
 — vardaman

very nice. i like how the imagery runs throughout.. such as the apple and L23. last stanza is beautiful, i only wish the punctuation on L26 and L27 werent there. great job : )
 — gears

thanks vardaman and gears. I'll think about the comments and revise!
 — catherine

this poem runs away from you after the first stanza.

have the apple drop to the ground

have it rot

have it dream

lets smell that taste

and call it love later.
 — bologna

in other words, follow the apple, not you.
 — bologna

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