poetry critical

online poetry workshop



the ambiguity of language.
varun

find cracks in the waters
 1
of that everlasting lake
 2
in tibetan mountains,
 3
believe the sky is mauve, carve
 4
a den within it to hide
 5
when the world’s gaze
 6
burns our backs,
 7
wait decades
 8
for pine cones to flatten
 9
in-between stories of love,
 10
knit sheep-wool blankets for winter,
 11
sprout rainforests
 12
for droughts of emotion,
 13
skim clouds into cushions
 14
for our weariness,
 15
grow wings when you
 16
ask me to fly beside you,
 17
travel light years
 18
to know
 19
the strengths of intimacy,
 20
wrap my self around that old banyan
 21
somewhere in central india to
 22
understand centuries of pain
 23
and become able
 24
to comfort you with more compassion,
 25
change the shapes of things
 26
to fit your hands,
 27
bend light away from your eyes
 28
when you want darkness,
 29
set the universe on fire
 30
when you want day;
 31
 
 
 
 
the ambiguity of language
 32
can never explain
 33
me for you.
 34
i want to forget metaphors,
 35
and stop spinning webs
 36
with letters.
 37
here is where i am.
 38
with you. when here
 39
              is anywhere.
 40

3 Nov 06

Rated 8.2 (9) by 8 users.
Active (8): 6, 6, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10
Inactive (5): 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(62 more poems by this author)

(6 users consider this poem a favorite)
balancing
bestestidiot
HornGod
hostcest
idontknow
NeighborDi



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

beautiful. great images. great concepts. language flowed easily. i look forward to reading the other poems posted by varun. really inspires you to read and learn about poetry when you stumble upon a good poem like this.
 — KaliDevi

Just a few nits, varun...

'everlasting' - too cliche but I have no other suggestions at this time.
myself l19 - one word or did you mean it as a play on words?
I would end it at l36.

...otherwise, beautiful. I will come back and read again.

Sam
 — unknown

Wow, 2nd time through released much more insight than my first read-through. Very well done.
 — NeighborDi

I want to comment on this now so I can find it in the morning
Lovely work, I will be back with and for more
Yours
Maria
 — slancho

I agree with Sam about the ending
Keep my self as it is ... ot works and speaks for both words separately, which is what you might have been aiming for
everlasting - makes me think of the timelessness of water when, indeed, to me water also ages.  Everlasting also implies endlessness, as in never drying out, or endlessless as in a journey ... nothing negative or weighty here, but a possibility.  I am not sure if that mental journey of mine might help you find another word, in case you want to chance everlasting.  It does not bother me though I think you could do better
I sounds cliche to say that but I know what you are talking about in the poem ... we all need a philosopher to keep us honest, Varun, thank you for that
Yours
Maria
 — slancho

kalidevi, interesting handle. glad you liked my metaphorical jumble.

hello sam.
everlasting, the lake is. it feeds a lot of rivers in the himalayas, some go all the way through the plains to the sea, too. it's one of the highest lakes in the world. i think that qualifies it to be everlasting.
the 'my self' is intentional. and special because of the central indian context [read buddhism].
thanks for coming sam.

neighbourdi, thank you.

maria, my friend.
if i ended the poem at 36, it would become about me, more than i would like it to be.

thank you all for your comments/suggestions.
 — varun

well done, Varun, well done
Maria
 — slancho

Holy run on!
 — unknown

well done?
thanks maria.

and
yes robin, we better find that full stop.
 — varun

i'd ask the kind commentors to read once again.
i've made a new addition, 18-20, and also changed 5-7 slightly.

thanks.
 — varun

I would make "strengths" singular in line 20 - I like the addition and the way you have broken the lines
Also, I do not think you need the "it" in line 5 - the "within" already suggests the "it"
Lovely, again, beautiful poem, my dear Varun
Maria
 — slancho

dear maria,
thanks for the suggestions.
as for 'it', it serves for duality that i had in mind, that between mauve and sky...
and presently, i am completely offended by the singularity of phenomena/events/people and as such most of everything. so, for now, i'd like to keep it at strengths.
on the other hand, i'm also sure that intimacy provides various strengths to two people... no?

thanks...
 — varun

*plus, as a 'on-the-side-'
doesn't 'strengths confirm my repugnance for metaphor at the moment?
plurarity serves for more ambiguity.
strength confirms that there is only that one strength, and only that, that two people may/might/will feel.
strengths gives the space of not knowing for sure how each feels it...
 — varun

as an*
 — varun

but.....
who noticed my 'tongue in cheek'? :)
 — varun

i really like this, but for some reason, even though it makes sense in the end, i don't care for the title.  it just doesn't do justice to the beauty of the descriptions and the flow of the poem.  i'm not even sure if "ambiguity" is even really the best word where you've used it in the poem.  i think it needs a word like....abstractness?!  hahaha that's not even a word.  maybe impermanence or fluidity? bah.  i can't come up with anything better forget i said it!  anyway, really great poem.  so many favorite lines: 4-7, 26-27, and many more.  don't like line 18-it seems out of place somehow.  line 30 seems a little dramatic with the other images being pretty simplistic and earthy.  10 from me.
 — balancing

distances of language perhaps? instead of ambiguity?

mmm.
thank you for your comment balancing. i do like your handle.
 — varun

beautiful
 — unknown

beautiful
-unknown.

henh.
 — varun

3 in the recent best including #1.  grats, varun.  though somehow i know it probably means little to you.  maybe a smile at least. :)
 — balancing

thanks for the smile. i'm balancing a late night and an early flight... best get to bed.
have a good one.
 — varun

beautiful undulations, you create.
 — crepaway

thanks crep.
 — varun

I am not bothered but rather curious about your avoidance of the full stop; despite plenty of opportunity, there’s not a period to be seen until the end of 34.  Semicolons may help clarify your intentions while still allowing the flow I believe you’re going for (and achieving).

Much love for the flattening pinecones.

At the end of 23, is “pain” really the only word that will work?

To me, the last three lines are corny, but lovably so.

Nice writing.
 — unknown

filled with clichés.
 — unknown

full of cliches? no shit!
 — varun

comments are welcome... rater... thank you.

-v
 — unknown

OMG...this is an amazing poem!!   really truely love it!!

nice x.x.x
 — unknown

thank you xxx unknown.
 — varun

honestly, you could take away lines one through thirty-one, and just leave that last paragraph with the title you have and it'd be even more perfect.
and I definately mean that as a compliment. and a critique in a way..

maybe its just because I'm tired and unable to focus and try to decipher poetry, but you kindof lost me there in the first big stanza, but I think maybe thats the point? maybe its supposed to be confusing to illustrate the ambiguity of language? I don't really know. either way, I like the last paragraph the best, and I think it'd do fine just standing on its own. because when I read that, thats what I understood and automatically connected to. the other stuff I got lost in.
but thats just me.

otherwise, I very much like it :)
 — nilo

i think you answered most of your own questions nilo. and i'm sure you can answer any more you have. :}
thanks for commenting on my jumbled, tumbling jungle of language.
 — varun

what's a HornGod?
and a hostcest?
 — unknown

Yeah I can see how we agree on these things quite well.  This is a beautiful way to put it too.
 — idontknow

...nice...
 — listen

thanks.

and thanks listen.
 — varun

the ambiguity of language can never explain how i can love doing you and your sister.

stop pandering to the masses and keep it real


st3ntorian
 — unknown

what? how? eh? stent make no sense
 — unknown

If this rhymed you'd be on to something. 9/10
 — Henry

the ambiiguity of language has more depth than a nostalgic organism.
 — unknown

the ambiguity of language has nothing to do with nostalgia.
 — unknown

i usually use my 1 mm pecker to bridge the fine gap between language and reality.


st3ntorian
 — unknown

good for you then.

but i still feel skin
has nothing
to do with ambiguity.
or language.
 — unknown

henry, thanks.
if this rhymed, i'd be a genius. or maybe less lazy. or too contrived?

thanks again.

v.
 — unknown

i've read this again. i really like the ambiguity of the language in the first part here, and how you hang up the metaphors for that last little bit, the closing. very good idea, it works well here.
 — listen

thanks, listen.
 — unknown

0.373s