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Autistic Rituals: Damian's morning
jenakajoffer

a restless lark stirs,
 1
my slumber
 2
disturbed
 3
as dreams scurry from
 4
the pillow.
 5
 
 
trains chug on schedule,
 6
t-rex is feeding
 7
and while acorns
 8
tap, tap at my head
 9
he asks,
 10
 
 
"Mommy, is the sun awake?"
 11

tommorow night we turn back the clocks.

27 Oct 06

Rated 7.9 (7.8) by 11 users.
Active (11): 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (10): 1, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(16 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)
bohemian
lazyduck187
varun



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Comments:

L10-he's
footnote-depravity should be deprivation
 — unknown

Thanks
 — jenakajoffer

Is it called DST in the fall as well as in the spring?
I'm not sure.
I don't enjoy it though
for the reasons mentioned above.
 — jenakajoffer

wouldja look at that...
I'm writhing again!
Jeeeeeez...
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

edt-eastern daylight time (daylight savings)
est-standard time (not daylight savings)
 — unknown

i'm not sure at some of the phrasing or word choices:
when will the sun wake might flow better for example
specifying time always seems redundant, the poem could so easily start line 2, etc

'i'm in a stew' just reminds me of hotpot which makes me dumpling with laughter
perhaps not what was intended.

perhaps if the poem started with line 13 and 14 the effect would not be so ___
 — bettalpha

Yes, you're right there, thanks Bett.
I chose "in a stew" to make light of my anxiety,
so it's ok if it seems out of place,
it was intentional.
Jen-
 — unknown

i am a stew
art in you...
hehe
 — chuckles

hehe!
 — jenakajoffer

I think that when u know the person that wrote the poem, it gives you an idea on how to read it.... its kinda cool, I totally get your flow, stew n all !
 — eurobaby

aw thanks,
this wouldn't mean much to anyone besides me I suppose because i didn't give it enough thought for the disinterested reader, which is why i'll probably change it here and there when thoughts come, but I'm glad you get me.
Really glad, you lifted me today, a lot.
Thanks,
Jen
 — jenakajoffer

I am sure that this poem has a special meaning for you, and therefore you would be the only one to fully get this, but regardless of that it was still a great read. It tells a story of real people and I like that.
 — MysteryMan

Thanks MM,
I wanted to redo this because it was a very quick thought that morning, and I knew I wanted to make some changes, to engage others a little better, I hope this has improved.  Does it make more sense?
 — jenakajoffer

in L3, is "wakes" right?  
or should it be wakens?
I don't REALLY like either word,
help me??
 — jenakajoffer

this is really good.  Nice imagry
 — unknown

Suggestion:

Dreams driven off
long before the cock's crow
as his tales whisper through my pillow.
 — unknown

reminds me of of the morning rituals of my exlover's son.
 — bohemian

unknown, i do like your suggestion.
I dropped "my" from L4
however the cock is not meant to be possesive,
more to represent time "cockcrow": dawn.
See what I mean?
Or, it could sound alright with
"long before the cock crows."?
 — jenakajoffer

I read your other poem on the same subject which I loved so much and this is also very good.  Subdued, calm and still jsut as loving.  Great job.
 — unknown

I'd like more detail about his rituals.  In this case, more is more.  Often, with poems, LESS is more, but HERE--I'd like more detail in this instance.
 — aforbing

I can see how you might want more here aforbing, BUT...
this poem is focussing on one ritual...the morning.  
Waking up too early, talking to me when I'm still asleep, his cold lips, his impatience for sunrise etc.
Is the title misleading? OR
should I make an header/footnote mentioning my poem "Alone in Autism" if you want more, there's a lot more in that one.
Sorry I can't change it, but I'll probably write a string of "ritual" poems, all short and sweet.
THanks for your comments,
Jen-
 — unknown

oh, and thanks unknown!  What a sweet thing to say!
Jen-
 — unknown

I usually prefer the implication of a metaphor, rather than coming out with the standard literary device of “like” or “as”.  I know that’s a totally subjective nit.  But consider:
A restless lark / disturbs my slumber

He is already wide awake, so I don’t think he stirs at that point, you do.  I also don’t think that his pecks are chilly.  Most autistic children are very affectionate, at least to their immediate family members—I am assuming that you already know that and would not wish to accidentally feed the (autistic) stereotype.  Anyway, I don’t like lines 2 or 4.

Cocks crow in the middle of the night, in the middle of the day, anytime the mood strikes, so I’d avoid the barnyard cliché.  If you keep it, I think it should say an hour before, vs. long before.

I also don’t believe that he’s whispering.  If he thinks it’s time to get up, he’s not really going to be quiet about it, is he؟  At any rate, I think you could find a more interesting verb.

How about some white space between 7 and 8?

I feel strongly that line 13 should be your ending, and that you should not say—anywhere—that the subject of the poem is autistic.  Maybe the sum of the allusions are not enough to let the average reader know the child is autistic and not just young—I’d at least suspect.

The current ending could be your beginning or title—get rid of “for”, regardless.  
The current title is sabotaged by the line about turning back the clock.  
And to make this make more sense (at least for my interpretation), shouldn’t the clock be turned back on the night in question?  His internal clock and the rising sun tell him it’s seven, but you’ve set the clocks back the previous night, so it’s actually six now.
 — unknown

thanks for the lengthy comment unknown.
Do I know you??
It's unfortunate that you didn't really get the poem. But that's ok.
Poet crits are great, but I do feel that there are some opinion clashes.
His little pecks to my cheek are indeed chilly.  He has cold lips in the morning.
Yes he is very affectionate, I wasn't implying a stereotype.
I thought everyone knew that roosters crowing symbolized alarm clocks??
He whispers.
He knows it's too early and I'm trying to sleep, so he tries to be quiet.
I like the idea of the white space.  I'd thought of it, but wasn't sure. Thanks.
I have to pick up my kid from school, I'll be back to think about this later.
Most unknowns that I don't really know, never post this much detailed comment on my poems, this is peculiar...
Anyway, thanks.
Jen-
 — unknown

Mentioning the clocks being turned back should make the title make even more sense I would think, since changing something so minor like an hour can be very disruptive.  
Can the reader not figure out that the next morning will be even earlier?
As far as the other comments about the clock, I didn't really get what you meant.
I'm not going to mention autism in a footnote.  
But it needs to be in the title.
Thanks for giving me something to think about, and providing reasons for your opinions, it helps and I appreciate it.
 — jenakajoffer

Stunning, personal and LOADED with images that only YOU could put into words.  I love this, Jen.  We're BOTH on the Recent Best list together!  Guess who?  
 — unknown

I don't taste the stew.

Taste is all that matters in stew not the bobbing potato slices.

Figure it out.
 — bologna

colors are important too,

where is my mind this yesterday morrow?
 — bologna

well hun, we were on recent best together until bologna came to town, haha.
Thanks for the energy!!  I'm so glad you like this, it means a lot!
I knew it was you...
Jen-
 — unknown

There is a 9. Because you deserve more than a meal of bologna.
 — unknown

wow, that was weird...I just bounced back to the list!
Well, thanks whoever you are.
 — jenakajoffer

Loathe the title...the rest is better. It sounds like you're cooking the rooster because he won't be needed the next day. 8/10
 — Henry

You're welcome
 — unknown

Sometimes I really hate having to title.
 — jenakajoffer

I typed that out before noticing the comment you wrote there about the bologna...so, now I'd like to thank you for the nice meal, it was very satisfying.
 — jenakajoffer

i can't believe you just thanked someone for a pity score.
 — unknown

You only assume it was a pity score. It wasn't.
 — unknown

who cares about scoring, except maybe men...haha!
I was thanking for the kindness, cuz someone likes my shit, or me, whatever.
Have I disappointed you unknown?
It'll be ok.
jen-
 — jenakajoffer

sounds like mama's gonna have t' git out da wet noodle soon!
 — jenakajoffer

you know what you're talking about, never mind everyone else.
 — unknown

Nevermind everyone else, unknown?  You do that.  Jenakajoffer will not, and, because of it, will be or become a far better writer than you.

Ofcourse all edits are the choice of the author, but a savvy author will better his/her work by gathering ideas from the knowledgeable--sometimes even from those who are not very.  

If nothing else, it is useful for an author to see how others interpret the work.
 — unknown

Thanks, You.  
You are right about that.  
 — jenakajoffer

Very nice imagery. Took a couple reads on the cell phone but well worth it. I like it.
 — www922

not feeling this
 — unknown

I read this a while back but did not rate it as I was unsure what I felt.  This has grown on me like mould on stew and I now quite love it.
Thankyou.
 — unknown

It's a bit M and S
 — unknown

awww, some DO like this poem, yay!
Believe it or not, it's one of my favourite joffer poems, (y'know, it's for my boy), so I'm really glad that some of you enjoyed it.
so, what's M and S?  (or do I wanna know).
 — jenakajoffer

M and S means mud and snow.
I thought you live in Canada?
Don't you have your winter tires on?
 — unknown

hmmm, never heard that before.  so what, are you canadian?
I don't really know how to take your M & S here but I can only assume you think the poem's a little slushy, and no one likes slush.
 — jenakajoffer

yes, super.
 — varun

fantastic, I work with autistic people and turning the clocks back can be very upsetting for them. You wrote this well.
 — marieF

Thank you so much varun, for both your comments.  I was happy to see your name on my poems.

marieF,
thanks to you.  I'm glad you can relate.  This poem isn't for everyone.  I am very lucky to have my son.  He has taught me more about myself, patience, perception, acceptance, fairness and beauty than anyone I've ever known.  
Although I write about his autism, most readers seem to think of classic autism; "Rainman" if you will.  It's a snowflake disorder with some common characteristics between all who are affected and I feel most people don't understand what a "spectrum" disorder is.  I'm sure you do.
Acquaintances, passer-bys and many others in our daily life would never think he had autism.  Except perhaps that they'd pressume he was a spoiled brat with a major behaviour problem.  
There's nothing more infuriating and hurtful than judgement.

Thanks for reading,
Jen-
ps, marie...i'm really sorry about the terrible things said on your poems.  I hope you get some help to delete them.  Take care.
 — jenakajoffer

nice
Meep
 — unknown

Hi Meep,
thanks for poppin' by.
Jen-
 — unknown

Hi, Jen, I think you are really strong. Some of the people I look after have autism spectrum, others just have certain characteristics of autism. We get looked at in the street when we take them out and it does make me angry.
Keep up the great job and your poetry.
 — marieF

nice. different.
 — listen

Hi Marie,
Thank you!  That was really nice of you to say.
I hope you don't let any of this shit here get ya down.  
You shouldn't have to post your poems as unknown, how unfair.
I think it's great that you have experience with autism and can relate to my poems.
take care.
Jen-

Also,
thank you listen.
 — jenakajoffer

phrasing is excellent. esp 1-4.
 — jumpoline

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