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Codeine Blue Eyes (revised)
trochee

4 O' clock in the morning,
 1
Eyelashes perched
 2
on one another,
 3
like pious hands in prayer.
 4
Disturb them?
 5
When they part, I see
 6
your barbiturate eyes; I cannot
 7
close my own.
 8
 
 
Their beauty catches me
 9
by my wrist.
 10
A pendant in each eye
 11
to hypnotize.
 12
And there goes one more day in vain,
 13
because i cant take my eyes off you.
 14
 
 
I always fear that sedative gaze,
 15
which makes me call up my boss and say,
 16
'Boss I'm not feeling well today.'
 17
But the truth is I cant take my mind off you.
 18
 
 
Opium blue eyes,
 19
if God made these;
 20
She is in love with me
 21
and contends to appease.
 22















'She' in line 20 is a pronoun for God.

27 Oct 06

Rated 8 (7.7) by 3 users.
Active (3): 7, 8, 9
Inactive (2): 1, 8

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Comments:

really like it, except the ending. But the rest is breath-taking, if a poem can be so.
 — themorrigan

Thx morrigan.. i couldnt come up with a better line there... any suggestions?
 — trochee

suggestions: avoid well-known descriptives such as "fiery eyes".
What might be done instead?  Perhaps, and this is just one way...
Look for -turns of phrase.  Note this L1, for starters.
And if you carry on the poem something like I think of it,
the already-nice poem becomes an essence of yourself in thought.


Eyelashes
perch, one on another,
pious hands in prayer.
Disturb them?
When they part, I see
your eyes; I cannot
close my own.



carry on, and be good?
thanks,
Reid
 — netskyIam

Thx netskyIam ...  i hope this is better now.
 — trochee

Really excellent first couple of stanza's. I would rework the end.

regards

Larry
 — larrylark

You speak to me.
Let your words bring peace,
so you will know
that God will never let go.
I hear your voice
echoing over the noise
that substances bring.
A flight on lifted wings.
Destined to fall on forgotten dreams!
 — fallentears

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