poetry critical

online poetry workshop

just drink a lot of water

candles, softly wasting. i think
it indicates change, some dream
has passed, some twisted bone
twisting back.
everyone has a sore throat,
feeling heavy,motionless.
lying around on the floor
in a pile of people,
limbs protruding here and there
breathing slowly and
slightly ill-fitted
with red faces.
gripping one another
trying to reverse
what's plural.
there is what seems to be
a forest fire
outside of the window,
peeping in
on the sleepers,
moving quickly and fevered,
licking trees.
it is probably the end of the world.
we groan.
someone shifts. exhales.
the sun swings in
through the crooked blinds.
I reach for someone particular
in brown corduroys, bare torso,
inanimate, dead --
and i pull him closer
pushing my face against
the back of his neck, inhaling.
i cannot swallow without aching
and sadness, vaguely.
some swollen red flesh
pulsating. everyone feels it.
it hurts.

13 Oct 06

Rated 10 (7.4) by 5 users.
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This poem is appealing. yet somewhat confusing. i think you should be more direct with the actions going on in the poem. especially at the end. Good work though. I like the format and punctuation.
 — x2jocelyn2x

you are and make beautiful
it is a wonderful thing that you lend us
 — onklcrispy

I second onkle's comment, you beatiful, beautiful thing
there with you, all the way with the line breaks, the choice of words, the plethora of emotional and physical states ...
This is wonderful, allows for sharing ... though perhaps only a groan
"licking trees" is fantastic
Thank you, thank you
 — slancho

y'all might wanna try
a greasy meal f'r brekkie...
this is just too good (and i don't
even like readin')
one suggestion-i'd'a be remoooooooooovin'
this poem would not mourn th' loss
of that image...
well done
 — chuckles

this is my favorite poem i have written.
 — OKcomputer

I really liked reading this, intresting and entertaining
 — blinddarksun

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