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ho yi goes to the field to see his far distant loved one
Inuki

- for Greg

(celestial palaces on high)

"The moon should know no sadness;
Why, then, is she always full when dear ones are parted?
For men the grief of parting, joy of reunion,
Just as the moon wanes and waxes, is bright or dim" - Su Shi (Su Dong Po)


your ebb and flow
 1
form waves of trays;
 2
i'm lost within
 3
your sultry gaze.
 4
 
 
sometimes we sleep or wake,
 5
but now in limbo,
 6
cracked moonlight raking
 7
through autumn leaves.
 8
 
 
we eat mooncakes
 9
in the blackwood gazebo
 10
my hand numb in yours.
 11
 
 
i look at you
 12
as if to say
 13
all postcards
 14
from my dreams,
 15
but only slip a smile.
 16
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
"everywhere in China tonight, everyone will look up at the moon and think about their families and their loved ones. And if their loved ones are far away ... well, at least they know that they too are looking up at that same moon and that perhaps at that very moment two family members or friends or loved ones who are far away will have eyes focused on the same place at the same time." Chuck, Oct 1998
 17

8 Oct 06

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Comments:

this is nice. I like your quotes, they bring the poem into the perfect context.
my one recomendation is for you to change line 5 to:
when we are asleep or waking
since you kind of keep in touch with the loose rhyme you started with. I like the way your structure smoothly changes but if you continue the rhyme in the second stanza the flow would, in my opinion, become even better.
 — sparrow

Inuki, after another longish hiatus this comes from you.  What a return!!!
Thank you for this poem, first of all, and for the en-framing that is at least as poetic and evokative as your own words.  This whole piece becomes a story, a narrative that is just as fractured (in its thematic), just a singular as it is unified and vaporous.  This is one of those poems of yours I want to feel and re-feel over and over again and just like the full moon, though not always visible so to the naked human eye, never loses of its potency in the Universe, never ceases to pull and undo the tides (thinking here of the first two lines of your poem), so is the heart (though sometimes absent) never really departed.  

Now on to the poem: very strong language in its simplicity, you remind me of the poetry of a friend of mine whose linguistic sparcity allows for endless interpretations.   If you want to keep the present tense in the second stanza (the "now" in line 6), I would suggest you change "raking" to "rakes".  Here i am reminded of sparrow's critique and depending on your choice of tense, there is a need for a consistency that, if observed in this stanza, will make it even stronger.  

lines 7-8 are absolutely beautiful, I will have to print this poem and put it on my wall to reflect the moonlight on many a sleepless night.
I was thinking of a structural change in stanza two as well, just something that came to mind and that you do not have to incorporate, I understand line breaks carry with them the specificity of a poet's style:

sometimes we sleep or wake.
but now in limbo, cracking
moonlight rakes through
autumn leaves.

"say" in line 13 does not seem to express your thought in the best possible way.  I would think something like "remember" or a verb otherwise than speaking might be better.  

Wonderful ending
Thank you, this poem is now in my favorite list and I have not added one there in ages
Yours always
Maria
 — slancho

I like the mooncakes,  I love the blackwood gazebo, not sure about all the footnotes - why not try it without? But the pesky moon got in again - the moon is everywhere at the moment - it's in my stuff as well - but this does have some beautiful, shrply focused imagery.
 — opal

ha, opal, you are funny
maria
 — slancho

I think the last quote is uneeded; the reader can more or less decypher what you're trying to tell them with the first quote and the poem body.
 — Virgil

This is fucking beautiful. I love the title. And the content. I know this comment is short and it will go overlooked. But this poem inspired me. When I read this, my brain was being massaged. I got a whole bunch of ideas, thoughts birthed with every word. Reading this. It affected me. Thank you. That's all.
 — OKcomputer

this is...pretty
a nice reassuring type of poem
 — unknown

this worked for me, I'm on the fence about line 4, sounds a bit dated. i love the 3rd stanza, it can stand alone as a haiku. and the ending quote is so lovely. thanks for posting this. ;-)
 — redsky

the first stanza has a very definite four beat meter, but you immediately drop that in the next stanza and it's hard to read. i'd suggest going all or nothing. the rhyme scheme jars me similarly-- it's abab, and then suddenly it's very jumbled. i'm curious why you decided to do that.
 — jade

er, i mean abcb. then it skips to the first and third line in the next stanza, though i like the slant rhyme with "gaze" and "wake" from 4 to 5, to connect the stanzas. you're repeating sounds, but i'm having a hard time finding any pattern after the first stanza, so i'm still curious to hear if there's a method.
 — jade

...
 — unknown

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