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Orange-Kissed Sex (REVISION)
WordsAndMe

Too many hours  
 1
of asphalt horizions and cracked highways littered  
 2
with winking lines that resemble the worn stitching on my jeans  
 3
make me want to  
 4
drink  
 5
   Now  
 6
   never  
 7
doesn't matter  
 8
until these thoughts of you are just as faded.  
 9
    
 10
A stop at some senorita's fresh picked orange stand,  
 11
drenched in language barrier and citric scents,
 12
frames my newly forbidden notions  
 13
when all I understand through that accent is,  
 14
"Mama, I need some, too."  
 15
    
 16
Tearing at the rind,  
 17
I imagine how similar it would feel  
 18
to be raking rose-coloured rows across your shoulder -  
 19
neat lines, ready for sowing sugar spun kisses  
 20
from my saccharine lips.  
 21
    
 22
Leaking citrus  
 23
into the scratches on my arms  
 24
barely numbs the self-inflicted hunger.  
 25
    
 26
Something about you  
 27
makes me want to make you  
 28
  Love  
 29
  hate  
 30
doesn't matter  
 31
when in the steam and screams  
 32
you can't remember anything but fruit  
 33
nestled between the grooves of your tongue.
 34

Comments on the title and revision would be appreciated.

4 Oct 06

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Comments:

Beautiful.

I absolutely love the opening image.  Just an idea to toy with though, maybe make L3 read:
"with winking lines, the worn stitching on my jeans"
Just an idea.

Ah, "coloured!" I believe you know how much I love those types of words and the poets behind them.

That raking rose-coloured rows image is great; very original, very...hmmm somewhere between sensual and erotic.

And then "saccharine..."  I've read that frequently in another poet's work though it must have been two years ago.

Very well done.
 — vardaman

A suprising comment from a more suprising source
 — WordsAndMe

Surprised?
 — vardaman

Huhuhuhuhuhu shut up it was late.
 — WordsAndMe

Sweet end
 — unknown

I found this a massive challenge to read I must admit. It flows beautifully, but there is quite a lot of ideas running through It and i'm not sure I have the right interpretation of it...

I'm lost as to whether it is about a relationship, random meaningless sex, a murder, or just some thirsty girl/boy out buying fruit!

I guess whats throwing me in different directions is the choice of words at certain times...
phrases like "tearing at the rind", "steam and screams" and "rose coloured rows"  and "scratches on my arms"
make me think of a murder/ erotic sexual fantasy of some sort..

the meaningless sex idea comes from "you can't remember anything but fruit" despite the steam and screams...

the thirsty boy/girl buying fruit:  is it just the case of someone imagining all these sexual situations whilst buying fruit from a stall of a pretty girl?
this seems possible when it says "i imagine how similar it would feel....newly forbidden notions"

perhaps this ambiguity is deemed essential by the poet, or maybe I'm just not understanding it at the moment..

However, regardless of this there is some things I really like...
Winking lines....a reference to how the lines in the road don't quite run together, and perhaps a slight sexual connotation..
cracked highways...like cracked lips
asphalt horizons...barren dry lands
all enhance the feeling and create the feeling of thirst

drenched in language barrier...nice witty play on the thirst  theme...

raking rose coloured rows....sounds good aloud, and implies anything from leaving red scratch marks on someones shoulders from intense love making to something more sinister

tearing at the rind....could be a reference to an orange, could be a reference to a tearing of something else...

I wish I could help more, maybe throw in the odd idea, but i'm not quite sure of the aim of the poem or what its trying to say overall for sure...
 — john_daker

Haha, John thank you so much for the reading, and -- no worries! I'm still not sure of the direction I'm running with it.  Its certainly about sex, but more specifics... I'm not there yet! :D
 — WordsAndMe

My goodness I love you!
 — FolleRouge

Haha, thank you lover
 — WordsAndMe

Another orange poem :)
Meep
 — unknown

Hah, indeed Meep : )
 — WordsAndMe

christian
 — unknown

bitter-sweet and fruity

how the acid of lust mixes with the sugar of love - lovely piece
 — Mongrol

Mongrol, thank you for the poetic (and kind) comment! :) I'm so glad you enjoyed.
 — WordsAndMe

hey, this isn't exactly a comment on this poem, but i'm doing away with For My Sister since it's purpose has passed, and i wanted to say that it's okay--i agree--and i would never be angry with the sort of critic you are. i have a vendetta against that particular unknown--he or she is not trying to help. thank you for being decent.

i like the title of this--the last stanza is my favorite
 — basketpacker

Thanks!  Sorry to see your poem go - I did enjoy it, especially when relating to it on a sisterly level.  Hope to see more of your work!
 — WordsAndMe

I think that the word "drink" should be included in L4 in order to have similar format as the last stanza.
I am wondering who says "Mama, I need some, too." I guess it would mean a little girl in the poem... but i think you should clarify that.
I really enjoyed reading this poem. it was very descriptive and made me want to know more about the two characters. good work
 — x2jocelyn2x

Thank you for the time and comment - both highly appreciated.  Your suggestions will be taken into consideration.
 — WordsAndMe

This came up as the random poem when I opened the page. COOL!
Love ya babe
CrazyRed
 — unknown

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