| The Unredeemed |
trochee
|
|
This world was made by You for You
|
1 |
|
Where do we all belong?
|
2 |
|
We have no right to choose our fate
|
3 |
|
No grasp of right or wrong.
|
4 |
|
|
|
|
It’s strange that we are fed by you
|
5 |
|
An omnivorous piece of power
|
6 |
|
And all you want is remembrance
|
7 |
|
This proves the falsity of your hooded tower.
|
8 |
|
|
|
|
You sent your men to prove the world
|
9 |
|
Your greedy need to be known
|
10 |
|
Where are you and all your men?
|
11 |
|
When war torn hills have grown
|
12 |
|
|
|
|
As life is now all dirt and dust
|
13 |
|
surprising that it's lasted
|
14 |
|
and when I'm gone my epitaph reads,
|
15 |
|
'In talks with the Holy Bastard'.
|
16 |
|
24 Sep 06 |
Rated 6.5 (6.5) by 4 users.
Active (4): 2, 5, 8, 8
Inactive (0):
(define the words in this poem)
(22 more poems by this author)
|
Add A Comment:
|
Comments:
God created man in his own image, and man's been returning the favour ever since.
A good poem but imo it's a little overwritten, i'm a fan of rhyme, not here though, would have prefered to see this written as free verse.
— unknown
"Life is now all dirt and dust
surprising that it's lasted
and when I'm gone my tomb will read,
'In talks with the Holy Bastard'.
— unknown
thx. a million "unknown".. the last stanza took me over an hour. thx again.
— trochee
You may hate this. I do apologise if you do, and I'll never do it again, but I just messed around a bit with it, for fun. I enjoyed your poem alot! :)
This world was made by You for You.
Where do we all belong?
We have no right to choose our fate,
No grasp of right or wrong.
It's strange that we are sired by You,
an omninvorous force of power
and all you want is reverence,
and that we bow and cower.
You sent your men to mark the world
Your word they would extol
where are You, your men, your grace,
when war exacts it's toll?
As Life is now all dirt and dust
surprising that it's lasted
and when I'm gone my tomb will read,
'In talks with the Holy Bastard'.
— unknown
hmm. Impressive.. may be i should have given it more time.. learnt my lesson. thx i appreciate this one the most.
— trochee
Rhyme makes it read a bit trite in the first stanza. L6's "omnivorous" is incorrect.
Perhaps reread and rewrite w/o the rhyme scheme
— WordsAndMe
om·niv·o·rous (ŏm-nĭv'ər-əs)
adj.
Eating both animal and vegetable foods.
Taking in everything available, as with the mind: an omnivorous reader.
— trochee
still reads incorrectly
— WordsAndMe
Holy shit.
— bologna
kudos to trochee.. the first poet here who could make BOLOGNA speechless , for a change.
— trochee
hey why the change in the title.
— unknown
harrumph...
why th' arhythmic start?
L4 just not doin' it f'r me...
i'd suggest-L4 "our choices would be wrong."
this promotes the rhymin' of th' rest of th' poem
and also fits nicely not only with
L3-"right", but also with yer bastard moteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeef
heehee
— chuckles
It's an interesting piece of work, and I do get it. It's just a little too arrogant for my liking. But I do like the thought behind it.
— unknown
thx chuckles... i've made the changes u sugessted... it does look better now.
— trochee
I like this... I think some people consider god to be omniscient and omnipotent so arethrown by omnivorous. Why is God omnivorous... I'm missing that... otherwise I think its a good statement... shows some thought.
— unknown
omnivorous is someone feeding on plants and animals(humans in my case ).
i appreciate you reading and commenting on my poem...but i am saddened by the fact that most of you have posted it under the veil of 'unknowns'. if you like it please be very overt about it.
— trochee
wowowia
Meep
— unknown
I din't get y did u need to call Omnivorous He is a power a spirit but not a human who could eat vegetables & animal He is no human
; -Destiny
— unknown
But definitely a nice poem writtten by you appreciation:perfect guy as a poet y dont u publish it
ratings:8/10
\"Destiny\"
— unknown
there is no god - the first line in your poem is the only truth here
the rest is subjective speculation at best :rolleyes:
— Mongrol
I refer to yhe 'you' being you yourself - the human individual - not a non-existant external entity
— Mongrol
Thx for your attention Mongrol.
— trochee
|
|
Recently Commented (expand)
|