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under neems
of lodi's gardens,
afternoon spills.
our cups, half empty
and we, distant
like winter suns.
yesterday's solstice
brought rain.
today is warm.
you agreed when
i said  passion
cannot be made;
fears and dreams
we make our own,
then wade deeper water.

24 Sep 06

Rated 9 (7.6) by 5 users.
Active (5): 2, 9, 9, 9, 10
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hm.  this almost seems like something i would write!
the short stanzas hide a deeper meaning, here.

i think my only stumbling block was "fears" in line 14.
but that's just my interpretation on how the meaning could be changed...
i know you (the author) intended the stanza to read
"make dreams and fears our own"
but a subtler shift in meaning could be to make fears singular (fear)
in reference to fearing the own dreams.  hm.

but, again, that would change the meaning, not grammar or correctness.
so it's fine the way it is.  i wouldn't touch a thing.

 — midare

hi midare.
you do inspire me.
thanks for the comment.
i've changed around the lines you pointed out.
but now i think the meaning is more ambiguous.

how's school?
 — varun

love this. it's something you both would have written. i'm so envious.
 — inutile

thanks inutile.
anything you stumbled on? like 'yesterday's solstice' for example?
i fear it might be too 'essy'...

i removed the 'and' from line 8, replaced with a comma... much better.
 — varun

i'd add commas to the ends of lines 4 (and maybe 5) and 13

maybe change comma on 8 to semi colon?

remove the semi colon on line 12, looks messy with the quote marks.

delete period on line 15, let it flow to the next line, the line break crates enough pause

i'm not suggesting any word changes, because i like the ones you've used, and can't see anything to suggest.
 — inutile

thanks for the suggestions inutile.
but most of them defeat the structure. and the removal of the semi-colon defeats the meaning.

 — unknown

because yesterday was solstice and it rained doesn't mean it has to be warm today...
for line 8...
 — unknown

this flows so damn well. great work
 — modern_nomad

haha, i suck, and this is still brilliantly awesome.
 — inutile

modern_nomad, thank you.

inutile, thanks...
 — unknown

hi. this one is great. just a few things I'd change: a semicolon at the end of L8 instead of a comma, drop the quotes in 11-12, capitalize I in 11.

otherwise this is perfect.

it flows so easily, so naturally. I love how you ended it.

but consider my suggestions; especially the semicolon at the end of L8. today is warm stands as its own clause with its own subject and meaning, so treat it as such by throwing in a semicolon! please.

thanks for this.

 — theair

like i said before in a comment, because yesterday rained, doesn't mean today is warm... a semi colon will imply that.
i think i'll stick to the lower case format, even for the 'i'. trivialises it as much as i wish for it to be.
i think i'll remove the 'quotes'. though i do believe, the quotes put the line out of context of the poem. which is what i was looking for... so maybe i should keep it like it is... henh... mmm, needs thinking i guess.

but thank you muchly for the suggestions.
 — varun

ah, now I see where I misread that. I still think, though, that it would actually sound and flow better if you let it stand as its own clause. if anything else, less of a chance that the reader will stumble on that line. I don't know. I still love this though, regardless.
 — theair

dunno air, dunno... i'll think about it though. thanks for coming back.

 — unknown

how about now? 7-9...
 — varun

also 11 and 12.
 — varun

looks better. more poems please.
 — theair

henh... there's one just above.

 — unknown

now just below...
 — varun

Here's something I'm not indecisive about: giving you a one.
 — FenderBender

i bow to thee, my lord, mr. fenderbender. i will graciously accept your one. didn't know that your opinion actually mattered, considering that you haven't shared any.
 — varun

quite a one way street, since you have nothing posted, as well, mr. bender.
 — varun

Ah, Varun my sweet. That is the beauty of posting anonymously.
 — FenderBender

Amazing what some italicization can do, isnt it?
 — unknown

whatever the fuck ever...

 — unknown

my favorite part is 'distant/like winter suns'.  sigh.  jealousy.  and i like how it gives the next stanza a possible double meaning, both the literal and the metaphorical sadness after being distant with each other.  you've perfected l's 13-14.  my only gripe is that one can't really 'wade' in deep water.  but i like the image that it gives still, as wading has sort of a slow, cautious connotation.  maybe wade dark water?
 — balancing

good call on 'wade' k. thanks.
 — varun

 — varun

no lol, not jealousy in the poem.  jealousy in me that you wrote it and i did not. :)
 — balancing

oh, and 'deeper' is better. (no inuendo intended)
 — balancing

 — varun

i think it is better.
 — varun

varun, another lovely poem.
 — listen

thanks listen.

 — unknown

i like this piece, it's short lines, simple diction, the comparisons.
 — JoelJosol

thanks joel.
how you?
 — unknown

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