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tip the hourglass; the sand is ours.

with grace
we danced
over crystal blue waves,
hand in hand,
soul in soul.
watched the sand
caught in sea
finally release on these shores,
and while western winds
tickled chimes
bathed in dawn,
drowned ourselves
in each other's colour,
raced to catch our butterfly dreams.
to wild birds sing
of summer's coming.
we named
this season our own;
ours to own and ours to mourn,
hand in hand,
soul in soul.

13 Sep 06

Rated 8.5 (8.6) by 15 users.
Active (15): 4, 6, 6, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (2): 7, 9, 10

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Elegant and lovely, especially 1st and last stanzas.
 — Isabelle5

thanks isabelle5.
 — unknown

varun, this has to be.

1st stanza is gorgeous.
but shouldn't that be a ? instead of a . at the end of line 5?

second stanza is also beautiful.  there's a lot of wonderful
enjambment and conjunction here: the way you compare
the sand to the sea, the individual grains, as opposed
to the other way around--original, welcomed.  western winds
tickling chimes is a delicate metaphor as well as a delicate image;
there, your duality also provides a carry to the third stanza,
through the echo of the sound as well as the colors that the word
"dawn" brings to mind.

(by the way, the second stanza
almost seems like something i wish i wrote.  i have such a love for the sea.)

hm, actually, before i go on to the third stanza, i think maybe--on the whole--
some of your punctuation at the end of stanzas might be off.  would you consider
changing line 12 to a ;?  the way its worded now, you have we/null subject/null subject/we.  in order of stanzas.  and because periods are such
harsh punctuation, it might be better to use a softer punctuation between the two
middle stanzas.

phew.  the third stanza!  it's very pretty, and a change in voice from the second.
it's less... dramatic, perhaps.  but still good.  no qualms with it.

fourth stanza!  fantastic, v (or author i am assuming to be v).  line 21 might be
a favorite line for the whole poem.  actually, it is the fourth stanza that makes
this poem so powerful, so potent.  amazing.

 — midare

yes!  i love it when i'm right.
 — midare

thank you my precious.
i added 'and' to line 10 and used a comma at the end of line 12.
it is smoother, you were right.

an idea such as this could carry more weight i think.
maybe next time.

good work guessing who it was. :}
i read the comment on another poem about me, by you. thank you.
i hope sam reads this... i still write, though indirectly, about beauty.
 — varun

this sort of reminds me of the shape of an hourglass...how the first strope is repeated in the last.  i love it.  i bet every girl wishes someone would write a poem like this for her.  lucky. :)
 — balancing

oh my, how did I miss this?
I want this to be a seasonal-love poem that was. L21 caught my eye (maybe too much), and I wanted it to be past tense throughout.
It is beautiful anyway. Love l16-21.

 — unknown

hello sam.
thanks for that.

line 21 is a bit much now that i read this again.

written way too many past tense poems about seasoned love... just an eye on the future now.
 — varun

wattya think sam?
 — varun

oh no...I loved that line. I love the 'mourning'  (that's what I meant when I said too much), but I understand any reluctance at going back. Damn, I relate too much to the things you say.
Wanna moondance? ;)

 — unknown

come on then. i'll see you on that beach in an hour?

 — unknown

This is some dumbass shit just like that dumbass no good Donald Tetto, who does not deserve to be alive.
 — unknown

how fickle of me. but i did like the mourning too.
thank you sam.
 — varun


 — unknown

i've read this like 15 times.  i love this poem and i'm very glad you put 'ours to mourn' back in (had to shed a tear when you took it out).  and i've tried to ignore it, but everytime i read this i hate line 15.  it sticks out because the rest of the poem is so original and 'butterfly dreams' is just old and overdone to me.  plus it makes me think of a little girl in pink and pigtails. : /  i realize it wouldn't be metaphorical or keep with the images of nature, but maybe consider changing it to fleeting dreams?  if i'm correct and that's the image butterfly was trying to capture.  anywho.  no pressure, just a thought.
 — balancing

cough* original?
 — unknown

well the phrasing and some of the images are original.  are there really any original ideas about love?  personally, i don't think so.
 — balancing

Beautiful :]
 — forevergone

balancing, thank you for coming back. yes, i much prefered mourn which is why i put it back. i wish butterfly didn't have such a strong connotation/image because i didn't want that image of a butterfly since i didn't have it in my head/mind when i wrote this. anyway, i do sometime disconnect image and word. humph.

for the question on originality:-
i've had a few conversations about originality and its origins...
i did come to the conclusion that there can be nothing original. only an idea is original, its representation can never be original. if we also talk about symbolism [signifier/signified], then again, language represents and idea/thought.

this poem is only a collection of things that i wish to re-iterate. nothing original in idea. but what is original is that which i have chosen to represent. does the text, then, not say a lot about an author? mmm...

forevergone, thank you for adding this to favourites.
 — varun

 — unknown

hello meep.
 — unknown

sweet, simplistic.  more idyllic and less cynical than some of your others.  but to be honest, i sort of prefer the cynicism and the self-analytical poems.
perhaps i'm alone in this.  but, and i say this with respect, to me the delicacy is unimpressive.  the poem needs to reveal something other than your ability to allude to pretty things, something about you or your lover.
 — aurelius

I just love the feeling of this poem,

You really got talent!
Keep up the good work

Samah Kalakh
 — samah_kalakh

thank you.
 — varun

I like this quite a bit.

Hard to critique, but I think aurelius is on to something, adding some details would make it richer.

 — rocket

"finally released from these waves;
western winds
tinkle chimes
bathed in dawn"

then the longer line flow after seems very like an expansion:
paint ourselves
with each color,
race to catch our butterfly aquarelles.
listen to the wind wild birds
sing summer's coming

etc... the ending seem fine.

-- just a suggestion or variation.

"aquarelles" = "watercolors"... after the "paint ourselves"
 — mikebauer

I think this poem is beautiful.
 — Roquelle

This has a "freedom" about it.  The kind of freedom shared between two in love that is so imperative.  I think I know who this is, but I won't say until I rate it and then see whose name pops up after it.  I'm getting to the point where I can recognize a voice through a poem.  Hmmmmm...
 — starr

I was WRONG!  But I love it, varun!  Great poem!  Happy New Year!
 — starr

I love the title of this.  It just draws the reader in.
 — Isabelle5

yes, like a hallmark card.
 — jezkuh

Oh wow. What can I say? Nothing, I think... Its amazing.
 — dele

i really like this. very poetic. great work
 — jesussgurl

i wish i could write like that. im only 14 and get confused way to easily to write stuff like that. wow your really good.
 — shortee

I'm not that impressed.  It reminds me of a disney song or something... which is a good thing I guess but not number one material. Then again I'm obviously outnumbered on this one so I'll refrain from rating it.  Good job on impressing so many people.
 — exparadise

with grace
shall we dance – where does s/he respond?
over crystal blue waves,
hand in hand,
soul in soul.
promise me. – what?

watch the sand – an active statement
caught in sea
finally released on these shores, - released? now passive
and while western winds
tickle chimes
bathed in dawn,

paint ourselves
in each other's colour, - they are each only one colour?
race to catch our butterfly dreams.  - how do L7-14 relate fluttering / elusive dreams?
to wild birds sing
of summer's coming. - why?

we shall name
this season our own; - why is it special?
ours to own and ours to mourn,
hand in hand,
soul in soul.
i promise yo - OK so?
 — unknown

beautiful piece - there's something very delicate about this - some words are perhaps clumsy - but still a very good read
 — Mongrol

Too nicey nice for me I'm afraid. It has too many clichéed images to be a worthwhile piece of love poetry for me. It's like something that Bette Midler might have sung.
 — opal

past tense.
 — varun

Line 20 is sort of a mouthful, kind of clashes with the rest, of which is very beautiful.
 — SenorSin