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we all had small lockers in the back of the factory
fdostoev

tom
 1
had two photographs
 2
taped to the back
 3
of his door.
 4
 
 
his girls,
 5
twelve and
 6
seven.
 7
 
 
he went to the oldests
 8
softball practice
 9
every wednesday.
 10
 
 
he told me
 11
if they happened to be
 12
in a public place
 13
at the same time,
 14
 
 
it was ok
 15
that she walk out
 16
to his lawn-chair
 17
and give him a hug.
 18
 
 
but his wife
 19
up there in the stands
 20
with her boyfriend
 21
and that lawyer's
 22
phony restraining order;
 23
 
 
the bitch
 24
wouldn't let his
 25
little sarah
 26
come down.
 27

8 Sep 06

Rated 8.6 (8.9) by 9 users.
Active (9): 5, 7, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (2): 8, 10, 10

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Comments:

oh, sad.  butistillikeit
 — tragicbubble

Pehaps lose the "because" of line 9 and capitalise the "He" to add to the authorty this figure has in the poem.

An engaging poem.
 — Vicky-Liz

Wow, the things we do to people we onced loved.  I can smell dust and grass and sadness.
 — Isabelle5

the last two stanzas need better punctuation so that they flow better--it's a bit choppy in that section.
otherwise this piece is great and really speaks to me
I'm sure it will resonate with others as well.
Keep up the good work.
 — aforbing

Justin, right?
Wonderful work, I would not have guessed where this was going from the title and what an absolutely exquisite surprise - the beginning of the poem spanning like a tapestry, carefully woven with pieces of thread sticking out where the needle had failed to tuck them in ... where Sarah remains with her mother at the stands.  Good, solid work, thank you for sharing it with us.
The first five lines - the line breaks and the sparcity of language just enough to hint at the sense of lack to come in the last stanza.  I do not think you need "because" in line 9 (the whole line that is), the story flows as is without this connecting word.  In its place, the reader might want to take a breath.  Some part of me wants to suggest that you put line 14 with the stanza before, ot give it its own line ... your choice.  
Shattering ending ...
Thank you
Maria
 — slancho

tragic
vicky
isabelle
afor
slancho:

Thank you for reading.

Justin.
 — unknown

hmmm.
 — unknown

xoxoxoxox
 — unknown

I like this, as I usually do like your poems, fdostoev.  However, I have to tell you, as soon as I saw the title I knew who wrote this.  I don't know if you consider that to be a good or bad thing.  Your style or writing has become so distinct that even the titles give you away.  This style definitely seems to work for you.  But maybe you'd like to try to stretch yourself in more challenging directions?  Just a thought.  
 — jerotich

Jerotich,

thank you for reading.
My style is my style, it just comes out as it wants, I just get out of the way.

Thanks again,
Justin.
 — unknown

i like this a lot.
 — hoagie

wow, that was intense
 — Gnome

really like it. Don't get the title relevance but that's neither here nor there. The only thing is the wife seems like a shity person with her phony order, then she's holding her little girl tight. Have to say I still loved it.
 — callingcard

l7 should be oldests' (as technically it ends with a 't')
 — unknown

personally, i think it should stay as oldest' (not oldests') even if it is not gramatically correct. it works for this poem (which is great, by the way)
 — marigold

just being a poet does not excuse you from being gramatically correct. idiot.
 — unknown

tragic in that everyday way. great use of space.
 — SteelAngel

I'm sorry, but it's really hard to follow. I like the concept. But, the language has no flow, and sometimes the words switch places in my mind.

he went to the oldest'
every
softball practice.

I don't understand. It isn't vague -- just unclear.

Sozzzz.
 — OKcomputer

nice.
 — listen

all, thanks for reading, i made some changes for clarity.

justin.
 — fdostoev

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