poetry critical

online poetry workshop

Metro Mona-Lisa

Behind me I have just left
a girl who played the violin.
She was sat on a stool
at the foot of an escalator.
About twenty and rather pale,
there was something masculine
in the movement of her arms
and thin white fingers;
their strength contrasting
with the soft oval of her face.
I stopped to look at her
and she moved her mouth.
I have no idea what air she played,
but I think she played it well
with that almost-smile.

3 Sep 06

Rated 8 (7.8) by 5 users.
Active (5): 5, 7, 8, 9, 10
Inactive (1): 7

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L3 the word order is confusing even though it is gramatically correct.
Love the idea presented in L5-8.
I want to know what gesture was made!!  Vulgar? (I know its not but how funny it is to imagine!)

Nice closing -- poem needs work, but a beautifully written begining of a beautiful woman.
 — WordsAndMe

I've worked with people since I was a kid of 22, 36 years now as a social worker. I like people and poems about interesting people. I like this young lady. Nice job!
 — wamblicante

thanks words and me and wamblicante, i have made some changes now.
 — unknown

I like this.
line 3 "she sat on a stool" dont need 'was'
 — trochee

Yes, enjoyed reading this too.. simple imagery, clear picture of the observers scene.

I think I would have stopped and looked at her and listened to her music too.

it is lines 5 to 12 that captivates me most about this piece and this person. very well rendered.

 — Mongrol