| The Stripper (revised) |
sam
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She,
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1 |
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this painted prize
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2 |
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hangs, Christ,
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3 |
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like an oriental poppy:
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blushed, blossomed,
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and fragile--
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one flick of a wet
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finger to dis-
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integrate:
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from withering whorl
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10 |
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to moistened smile.
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11 |
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21 Aug 06 |
Rated 8.7 (8.7) by 15 users.
Active (15): 1, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (8): 4, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(9 more poems by this author)
(5 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
amazing:)!
— razorkissed
great word choice, concise line breaks, overall, a lovely read. thanx . . . ;-)
— redsky
Brilliant writing. When I grow up, I want to be able to write like this :)
— CervusWright
Nice!
— monkeyofgod
Very nice.
— unknown
Change the title to
The Stripper (finished)
You know me. If I could find a nit, I would. All of me likes this one.
Though the line breaks indicate full stops, thoughts continue. Each line, each word, is important. Even the "a" in line 7 is there because it has to be.
You haven't wasted a sound. Not a moment. Perfection in this work.
--(all of) me
— unknown
Thanks guys.
CervusWright - you do know we never grow up;)
Sam
— unknown
this is so cool!
— miss_minx
I like the weaving of the woman and Christ, hanging, fragile. I Really like the flick of a wet finger...HAHAHAHAHAHA!
This is so sexy it's hard not to blush reading it.
Imc
— Isabelle5
Thanks miss_minx and Isabelle.
Sam
— unknown
I love both you AND your writing.
Very nice.
rob
— unknown
I like this. Very strange, I wrote a quite similar poem called "stripped" (http://poetry.tetto.or g/read/2790/ ). The opening image is the same, as well as the "moistened smile" (I said vaseline on her teeth but same concept). I wonder if the fact that we both used these phrasings for the same subject matter makes them cliche?
— Ananke
Nothing cliched about this one.
— unknown
Thanks Rob. I love you too.
Ananke - I remember that poem. I liked it then, I like it now. The moistened smile is different though - this moistened smile is (my own) after dissing her. I always thought it best to put another 's' on dis but figured folks would think it a spelling mistake. Thanks for commenting.
unknown - thanks.
Sam
— unknown
I didn’t find your original version for comparison.
I am thinking about the impact of: hangs—Christ!—like
And a colon might be more appropriate after poppy.
I’ve been a bit hyphen crazy lately, so I’m seeing blush-blossomed /
There’s a fine line between device and gimmick, but I like the implication of “dis” hanging at the end of the line, and by my reckoning, it doesn’t hamper the read.
Unless I misunderstand your intentions, I don’t think you need the colon after integrate.
You paint quite a picture, Sam. I can see it all, easily.
-poppy
— unknown
Love the choice of words you express so much in a lyrically concise way.
— larrylark
This author knows nothing about strippers from the inside out, only from the outside.
But that's good enough for me!
for reasons I cannot di-vulge. hiccup.
— unknown
pops - I can't get on the site as I'm not a member anymore but I think it's in there under ummm Sam.
The punctuation was edited by a couple of poets from another site...not sure if I'm liking it myself. I agree re the colon after poppy and I'm still playing with Christ-like. What about italicizing Christ and keep with the hyphen? I have to keep the colon (or maybe use semi-colon) after integrate as it's a separate thought. I'll keep working on it. Thanks pops.
Thanks Larry. I appreciate your feedback.
unknown - don't know how you came to the conclusion that I don't know strippers but, yeah I do, and I won't tell you how;) Thanks for the comment. burp.
Sam
— unknown
a 28 word poem?
the title alone is near 11% of that!
sorry-not impressed
— chuckles
Thanks for the comment chuckles.
So, if I am reading you correctly, a poem consisting of few words (11% being the title alone), should/could not impress a reader. How many words should there be? This is new to me. Ahh, the injustice of being taught to use as few words as possible to convey an image.
— unknown
^ Sam
— unknown
Still a favorite. One of the best poems on the site.
oo
— unknown
Thanks oo. Help me out here, will you?
Pops had it right and it's not working for me either:
L3&4 should be an enjambment and I really didn't want to use the strong caesura at the end of line 3 (originally brought 'like' up to l3 but that wasn't working either), because I don't want a capital on 'like'...what to do? Italicize omitting the exclamation mark? What's the html coding to italicize?
I changed the wording from the original but someone from another site redirected my thoughts re the punctuation. Now I need you;) Thanks.
Sam
— unknown
We're of three minds, Sam. While your version is stellar, there are other intepretations.
She, this painted prize
hangs, Christ-like:
an oriental dogwood: blushed,
blossomed, fragile -- one flick
of a wet finger to dis-
integrate:
from withering whorl
to moistened smile.
Christ!
She hangs,
like a painted prize,
this oriental poppy:
blushed, blossomed,
fragile. one flick
of a wet finger
to dis-
integrate:
from withering whorl
to moistened smile.
— DianaTrees
I still prefer the original. But one of the good things about great work is the opportunity (or illusion) of attempting to do better.
She hangs, this painted blossom:
Christ! Like she's so fragile! One flick
of a wet finger to dis-
integrate: from withering whorl
to moistened smile.
— DianaTrees
i love your poem. honk! honk!
— bettalpha
really like this. Particularly lines 1 to 3. I don't know if I buy the whole fragile poppy idea though.
— bleach
This doesn't make sense at all. The word choice is pretty good, but poetry is supposed to be about the meaning behind the words, not the words themselves. Make the poem easy to understand and has a god damn point, not just so it sounds cool.
— nachoman
Sam
Have you considered an italicized Christ! ?
Something about that hard stop. I don't know.
What I do know is that I love this poem. Wouldn't change a word. It speaks volumes.
— alicedark
DianaTrees, thanks for your help. I'll read over your suggestions again tomorrow. Will let you know.
bettalpha - thanks;) How have you been?
bleach - only the amount of make-up makes her seem fragile (like painted porcelain). Thanks.
nachoman - sorry it doesn't make sense to you. There is much meaning behind the words and it does have a (god damn) point. Thanks for commenting.
alicedark - I asked Diana and pops about an italicized Christ. You think? Thanks for your help.
Sam
— unknown
tang ina nyo
— unknown
^ ok. So what does it mean?
Sam
— unknown
Brilliant well constructed poem.
— Tentative
Thanks Tentative:)
— unknown
hokay
cuppla thoughts, fer what they're worth...
i'm on the no punctuation train lately,
and i think this could be done here, thus-
L3- hangs (Christ!)
punctuation tends to constrict meaning,
and i'm finding it (punctuation) to be
unnecessary here...
fer what it's worth.
— chuckles
vivid and concise. i like the metaphor a lot.
— listen
thanks listen. i owe you critiques and i promise i will soon.
sam
— unknown
Inutile is a stripper in New South Wales.
— unknown
Very good, I liked it a lot, but I'm just not sure why disintegrate needs to be broken up like that. Maybe I'm just not getting something, but I still love it and gave it a 10.
— dreamergirl
hi dreamergirl - the 'dis' is in reference to dissing someone. i intentionally left out the other s. thanks for reading.
sam
— unknown
Strip my pubes off.
— unknown
Oh, wow! Truly awesome!
— starr
Nice, but ending the last two lines with adjective noun, adjective noun makes an otherwise well-crafted poem sound less than.
— tillmorgan
Ohh... very hot. L8 and L9 are just awesome.
— bbucsis
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