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Let Fathers Sleep
philoanon

Woe be tide on you keen giant  
 1
    
 2
Standing true on your fathers legs  
 3
Speaking through your fathers voice  
 4
Shaking in your fathers hands  
 5
Romanticizing your own death  
 6
With each unsure step  
 7
Advising in your own head  
 8
The surest path to take  
 9
    
 10
Wake now from your slumber warrior child  
 11
Your challenge set  
 12
By your dearest companion, your closest friend  
 13
To break the chain of lineage  
 14
To write your name anew  
 15
    
 16
Let fathers sleep  
 17
And their deeds be counted  
 18
For ill or favour of you both  
 19
    
 20
But fear not.  
 21
Yours is a burden and a teaching wound  
 22
Your father’s legs are yours  
 23
Stand Proud!  
 24
    
 25
As sure as tomorrow  
 26
When the evening sun sets  
 27
You shall have lived two lives  
 28
And laid but one to rest.
 29

4 Aug 06


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(15 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

I liked the last stanza but i think that the rest needs to be edited. It seems stilted and does not seem to flow well. Thanks for sharing this. (and posting it a few times, sometimes it takes a while to get noticed here.)
 — Seeker

I get you, it needs some work. i just need some critique.
 — unknown

I'm reading and re-reading it...will take some time and try to come up with some critique. I usually suck at it though.
 — Seeker

Hmm
 — philoanon

hey hows it going? lines 12/13 if your using an enjambement then I would uncapitalize "By" I'd alos maybe lose one of the friend/companion states. Or split the line. You should be careful of those "lord of the rings" come "Anam Cara" cliches though. I dig what this has, but I think that right now it needs to be whittled away at. THere is a very strong piece in there though so please do some work on it. I'll mark it when it's finished
 — SolCarloman

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