poetry critical

online poetry workshop



lack of small talk is a good thing when you've got plans
callingcard

Nail ends, scraggled and torn,
 1
fall easily to the floor.
 2
Nancy loves the freshness and the vibrancy
 3
of the "sunshine" nail polish
 4
that the manicurist has fetched for her.
 5
 
 
The heavy sweet toxicity
 6
of the varnish invades her nostrils,
 7
as swift, short strokes are applied.
 8
She is glad of the lack of small-talk today,
 9
her head has other plans for thought.
 10
 
 
As she sits and waits for the top coat to arrive,
 11
she dreams of her party and how she will look,
 12
better than Eva "that whorebitch!"
 13
"She'll be sorry she ever fucked my Tommy!
 14
Tonight she'll be sorry, scraggled and torn".
 15

4 Aug 06

Rated 8 (7.8) by 4 users.
Active (4): 1, 7, 9, 10
Inactive (4): 5, 6, 10, 10

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(12 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

love this, especially the first 2 verses. Wish you'd tell us the secret though, otherwise it doesn't really make sense. If the poem ended after the second verse it would totally be able to stand alone, in brilliance! tell the secret and I'll give you a 10! loved line 6. good detailing.
 — bleach

well worded, love the tone. The last verse lets it down though. Althoguh it does get the reader wondering...
 — icepineapple

I got, I have, I own..  let it go and crawl back then laugh.
 — Meep

First stanza knocked me out and the 2nd is really strong. I would rethink the last stanza as it is not as strong but this is fine fine work.
 — larrylark

tHANKS FOR YOUR COMMENTS.re-worked the last verse, I think it works now.
 — callingcard

Much better, now the whole poem takes on another level, a chilling one. Like the way you brought in the image of the first line for the ending. This poem is implicit rather than explicit, which adds to its charm. It's going inot my favourites!
 — unknown

the new version is much much better, the poem is now rounded properly. Clever use of scraggled and torn!
 — bleach

Absolutley brilliant! love all 3 verses. line 6 is my favourite line ever.
 — unknown

Lines 13-15, such a shock, but funny.
 — unknown

This is one of the best poems I've seen here in a while! It really packs a punch. Lovely words and perfect grammer are one thing, but when you've got gritty lines that's another. Well done! (one little thing, line 14 is a little bit weak!)
 — themorrigan

Thanks everyone, have changed the last 2 lines a bit thmorrigan, hope you like!
 — callingcard

I don't get it, and that's too bad because maybe it was promising.
 — propoet50

I don't get it either I like the scraggled and torn part though and all of stanza 2 (7)
 — Phoenix567

great poem overall, especially of the repition of lines 1 and 15, but i think the phrase "sweet toxicity" is a bit over-used (it made me think of that brittney spearse song, "toxic"). and i don't generally associate the smell of nail salons with sweetness. besides that, i really like the abrupt turn the tone takes in the last stanza. nice work!
 — luvscost

Who needs small talk when you've got that shallow monologue going round your brain?
 — unknown

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