poetry critical

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And so they go, these tales of woe, that fate doth intertwine
they spin, they're spun, and wrought undone by weavers of the mind
'neath moon, 'neath sun these ivies run, thick as to chill the spine
chaotic flow; they reckless grow a path we cannot find
  'neath moon, 'neath sun this lace is spun, that fate doth intertwine
Majestic lace transcending space, and sewn upon the soul
a pattern knit with massive whit by cosmic reason whole
in time we sit; temporal writ- a universal toll
we fearful face this eastward grace, as new days take control
  in time we sit with candles lit, and fear inside our soul
See now, dear friend, 'tis not the end; this quilt is not to fear
embrace it warm, accept its norm, though its patchwork is unclear
smile in the storm, take on new form, speak loud that all may hear
as you portend that life may wend its way throughout your sphere
  wounds mend, fears bend, if only fate is allowed to wend.

14 Jul 06

Rated 9.3 (7.6) by 9 users.
Active (9): 3, 6, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (7): 1, 1, 2, 7, 8, 10, 10

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(1 user considers this poem a favorite)

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Flows very well, but why didn't you divide it up into verse, i don't think it works all squashed together like you have done it. Every line is heavy with language and with meaning, and when you run it all together there's no time to soak it up and savour it, which i think is what this poem deserves! Good work though
 — icepineapple

I think this should have been divided into 3 stanzas.  Like this it reads like a story and not a poem
 — propoet50

Oh, give me some white space before I go blind!  (Hi, Abforbing!)

How about breaking into verses?
 — Isabelle5

Beautiful writing in a rhythmn one can dance to, very melodic, I really like this.  It would greatly improve if you changed it physically, like the others said...(break it up, no?)
 — jenakajoffer

Jenakwhatever, your username always read jerkoffer to me, just took the time to go through it there and see its a name. Just thought I'd share that.
Now, on to the poem in question! As with the others i agree about formatting it properly, then people would focus on the magic of the poem, which is being rendered invisible by the ugly way it is laid out.
 — unknown

rendered, *snarf! snarf!*
 — Meep

This is fantastic, great rhyme, meter and flow. You rhyme sounds natural, not forced which is hard to do.
I'm not sure of your spacing though. I think it would look better if there were no line spaces and it was split into stanzas.
 — marieF

thank-you for the advice
 — chuckles

Unknown, that's pretty funny, thank you for sharing that with me, jerkoffer, haha...I'm surprised so many have been thrown off my username, jen aka joffer.  About this poem, now, it is beautiful!  
 — jenakajoffer

wow, this must have taken a while to write.  great read
 — oracle

I can't believe you posted this way back in July...imagine if I made a comment that was really rude or something, not knowing it was you??  I would've felt so bad.  Just goes to show you how much I love everything you do... if I know it's you or not.  
 — unknown

beautiful. life and fate does get a little twisty-crazy, but you make it seem so lovely in this.  

is line 15 supposed to rhyme with the rest of the 3rd stanza? I thought it was off, then noticed the internal rhyme (mend, bend, wend), and I don't know. Great work, either way!
 — SteelAngel

Nice flow, but a bit stunted at times.
l15 doesn't seem as nice as the rest.
 — unknown

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