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Just one more (for you)
DianaTrees

Sometimes I drink
 1
to forget. But most times
 2
I drink to remember you
 3
 
 
spinning in my dreams,
 4
a whirl of blonde moments,
 5
 
 
each one a dance
 6
 
 
we never had. And that's why
 7
I always have just one more drink.
 8

4 Jul 06

Rated 8 (7.3) by 5 users.
Active (5): 5, 6, 6, 8, 10, 10
Inactive (4): 1, 6, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(13 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

*cheers*

Sam
 — unknown

barf
 — unknown

this is a perfect Argentine tango. Which part should I play?
 — unknown

I like the writing style and word choice, but the poem is somewhat anticlimactic.  Instead of the last sentence, try saying something new.  I don't know, I just can tell that you have a beautiful style and I want to see what you can do to beef up the story line of this poem.
 — OwlGirl

maybe split line eight, after have. it would suggest decided hesitance, if you get what i'm saying? but it would change the tone a tad, enough to make it stand a little more. title, though, maybe a little redundant? appreciate the economical approach.
 — listen

I like the line-breaks Diana. Maybe to colour the poem the generalised 'drink' could be given some detail (whiskey/wine/perhaps some brand name).

all the best

P. :0)  
 — unknown

What about "I want just one more drink" bring the last line into the present tense?
 — unknown

This is a good poem, but I feel like it's a little trite. The very first phrase, "Sometimes I drink / to forget" is a common one and doesn't invoke much interest in the reader. In fact, the whole first stanza could use some work. It's bland and lacks something to keep the reader going on such as imagery or wordplay.

The second stanza is pretty damn good.

I agree with OwlGirl on the ending. Again, it's not stunningly unique, and I think you have the ability to make it much better. Also, take the unknown's comment and incorporate something more specific in the poem, such as a type of drink. That will help you make the entire piece more powerful and relatable.
 — mixtapeboy

Overall, I liked it. But, I think the last line could be stronger.
I'll be damned if I know what it could be though.
-lacklusterrr
 — unknown

l1-l4 is cooked good.
most times i watch. sometimes i join
that's when i wake up with vomit on my face
 — crepaway

bland. rather trite common language. a bit of a bore
 — elysium

what a fucking  bore.
 — unknown

Ditch L4. Cheers
 — unknown

10
 — kronah_kcmg

enticing overlap
minimalist perfection
 — banditfemme

oh, how sad and at the same time so beautiful.
nostalgic,
love
...nostalgic love
a "what if" world.
 — photobooth

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