poetry critical

online poetry workshop



poet's guilt
sparrow

Who do we take our words from? We
 1
Poets who claim to sing in the name
 2
Of fruits from our own tree
 3
And close our ears to the voice of shame
 4
Which says our rhymes do not ring free.
 5
         We only mime, only acquire
 6
         Our words as other poets desire.
 7





For the structure of this poem, I have taken that of the  following passage in T.S. Eliot's "Four Quartets, Little Gidding" in order to enhance the point I am trying to make:

"Who then devised the torment? Love.
Love is the unfamiliar Name
Behind the hand that wove
The intolerable shirt of flame
Which human power cannot remove.
         We only live, only suspire
         Consumed by either fire or fire."

1 Jul 06

Rated 9 (9.5) by 1 users.
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Comments:

any comments?
 — sparrow

good, nothing else to say. i like it. a question mark over the last line maybe, but that is all.
 — unknown

thanks to you unknown poet.
 — sparrow

why why why must we love
 — unknown

I like it!  I think you did a good job with the structure you had to work with.  I greatly enjoy the irony.  I love how you coupled it with Eliot's poem.  Without it, yours would have lost a lot of its humor.  I think the use of contemporary language and sentence structure could have made it more original and fresh, but (obviously) that wasn't your point.  Also, to me, when you capitalize the beginning of each line like that it unnecessarily breaks up the poem and makes it fragmented and choppy.  I would like for this poem to flow more.  I would leave the sentences divided, as in lines 1 and 2, but I would not capitalize words at the beginning of every line.  It looks as if you left on auto correct on your spell checker.  It's all fine and well for Eliot, but his time has come and gone.  It is a good structural match to Eliot's peom, though, since that was your intention (so, obviously, you won't be changing the capitalization).  I like the direction you went with it - you didn't talk about love (thank God - I feel like I am being beat over the head with that subject!).   I may have totally misread your intentions with this poem, but I thought it was quite brilliant!
 — lawoman

thank you so much for your comment lawoman! I really liked it!
No, you didn't mistaken my meaning at all. I understand your point with the capitalization but it's true that I just chose to enhance the similarities with eliot's poem. I may still change it though, I'll give it some thought. It does make it a bit choppy... but it's similar in eliot's poem isn't it?
I btw. also agree that love poems can get annoying afther a while...
Thanks again for your comment!!!
 — sparrow

I think yours is better than Eliot's. More accessible. I do believe he hears the voice of shame now.
 — Dahlia

CLEF]
Another MC lose his life tonight, lord
I beg that you pray to Jesus Christ, why
O lord, father don't let him bury me, whoa
[CLEF]
I haunt MC's like Mephistophales
Bringin swords and Damacles
Secret service keep a close watch as if my name was Kennedy
Abstract raps simple with a street format
Gaze into the sky and measure planets by parallax.
Check out the retrograde motion, kill the notion
Of biting and recycling and calling it your own creation.
I Feel like Rockwell, ";Somebody's watching me";
I got no privacy whether on land or at sea.
And for you biting zealots, your raps are cacophonic
Hypocrit, critic, but deep inside you wish you had the pop hit.
It hurts don't it, the refugees come to your turf and take over
the earth.
[LAURYN]:INTERLUDE
See my rhymes are the type of fly rhymes
That can only get down with my crew
And if you try to take lines or bite rhymes
We'll show you how the refugees do.
[LAURYN]
Behold, as my odes, manifold on your rhymes
Two MC's can't occupy the same space at the same time.
It's against the laws of Physics.
So weep as your sweet dreams break up like Eurythmics
Rap rejects my tape deck, ejects projectile
Whether jew or gentile
I rank top percentile,
Many styles,
More powerful than gamma rays
My grammar pays,
Like Carlos Sanatana plays
Black Magic Woman
So while you fuming, I'm consuming
Mango juice under Polaris,
You're just embarrassed
Cause it's your ";Last Tango in Paris";
And even after all my logic and my theory,
I add a muthafuckker so you ignint niggas hear me.
And you remember take notes,
As I sow my rap otas
And for you biting zealots, here's a quote.
[CLEF]:(Chorus)
Another MC lose his life tonight, lord
I beg that you pray to Jesus Christ, why
O lord, father don't let him bury me, whoa
[CLEF]
You can try but you can't divide the tri
These cats can't rap, Mr. Author I feel no Vibe
The magazine says the girl should have gone solo,
The guys should stop rapping, vanish like Menudo.
Took it to the heart, but every actor plays his part
As long as someone was listening, I knew it was a start,
For me to get a chance, grab my pen and revamp
Do a cameo while everybody do the dance.
Quick now, cause you runnin' out of lucka
Playin' Mr. Big, I'm gonna get you sucka.
While you munchin at your luncheon, I'll be planning your
assassination
Then hit you like the Dutchmen
[PRAZ]
I compress sound sets with my rap DBX
Then drop vocals on my 456 AMPEX
Bring terror to the shop of horror,
As she cries ";Mi amor";
The phantom dies in the opera
And to the youngin's who carry gadgets
And kill 6 days a week then rest on the Sabbath.
Violence ain't necessary, unless you provoke me
Then get buried like the great Mussolini
And for you bitin' Zealots
Your rap styles are relics
No matter who you damage
Your still a false prophet.
[CLEF]:(Chorus)
Another MC lose his life tonight, lord
I beg that you pray to Jesus Christ, why
O lord, father don't let him bury me, whoa
 — unknown

really beautiful poem, so glad I chanced upon it
Meep
 — unknown

Thaks very much for you comments! Meep-I'm flattered. Unknown, I appreciated the Fugees quote, it's a totally different approach to the same topic!
 — sparrow

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