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Unfaithful lover
DianaTrees

I am a hydra, spitting eight
 1
in one breath, each one meant
 2
 
 
for you. My cave only looks open:
 3
the stones you left are in the bushes
 4
 
 
you've forgotten over time.
 5
 
 
When you last knew me, I had but one tongue,
 6
not yet the razor honed by our years
 7
 
 
together. Now, I know who you've been,
 8
and who you've been with. And so I rise,
 9
 
 
waiting for your entry, knowing
 10
what I'll take, and you'll leave behind.
 11

15 Jun 06

Rated 6 (6.3) by 5 users.
Active (5): 3, 3, 7, 10
Inactive (3): 4, 6, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(13 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

You haven't said anything here.  there is no clue about why
you had a falling out with the other person.
you are just saying you are mad.

no substance here.
 — unknown

no substance in an unknown comment. piss off, coward.
 — DianaTrees

substance enough to ruffle your fur...
 — unknown

Not really. My fur is smooth. Change the rating from 3 to 1, and I'll never need to lick it again.
 — DianaTrees

pretty pussy pretty pussy.
 — unknown

pussy? bushes?

I get it. The comment reflects the poem.
 — unknown

The images are nice but the poem stumbles when it comes to grammar, and is often awkward for the reader.  "Not yet" in line 7 and "who've been with" in line 9 need to be fixed.  I like the second half of line 9 and lines 10 and 11.  Thanks.
 — OwlGirl

L9 who've?? Really throws the reader why not simply who I've, it would make far more sense.
L4 doesn't flow on from line 3
Overall doesn't make much sense
 — marieF

marieF

I think it makes sense.
don't you think that the word YOU is implied at the end of that sentence?

and who've been with [you].

But you are right - it is awkward.  However, DT usually constructs her poetry especially to make us trip over words and think about their meaning...
 — unknown

yeah but who've is not a word so therefore has no meaning. in fact if you said it out loud it would sound like you are talking about a horses hoof.
 — marieF

Line 9 was a grammatical error. OwlGirl, marieF: thank you for pointing it out.
 — DianaTrees

Not up to your usual standards! Good line breaks as usual, but the content is uninspiring, and many of the language choices are cliche. There is also a great deal of ambiguity. Scored accurately in my opinion.
 — unknown

You know what the real hydra is, I took some years of Biology way back when. It's a cute, little, microscopic creature and not some big, mythical beast. Somewhat interesting but yet more angst-filled emo though I do get a sexual feeling here.  The title spells it out before you even read the poem and so you think, another piece bashing someone who screwed the writer over, how quaint. Seriously, it's nothing new on a site with so very much of this. I really wish I could see you do a poem that wasn't emo-prompted angst.
 — wamblicante

the cute little creature was named AFTER the mythical beast - so what is real?
 — unknown

Diana, I think hydra would read more provocatively if you removed "a." That way, the multiple meanings could have equal play. I would also love to see a return to the opening metaphor and somehow the alchemy of two heads for one. I admit that I'm hopelessly prejudiced in favour of your poetry. Beyond that, every promise or curse is worth savouring. Your words give shape to all the sideline notions which accompany forgiveness, redemption and most of all, most of all
outrage ( or is it revenge?)

Thank you for a delicious visit. That cave of yours makes me wish I were a
genuine troglodyte ( not just a part-time one)
 — borntodance

are all your poems about sex?

Meep
 — unknown

L1: spitting 8 what?  I cannot create an image in my mind because I do not see what you, this hyrda, are spitting.
Nice enjambment in L3.
L6 has one too many commas.
Confusing image in L7
Comma after "now" in L8 is unnecessary.

The language choices here are so strange.  "And so I rise" -- lines like this just seem so out of place.  I feel like you're trying to impress your reader rather than writing for yourself.  Perhaps a rewrite canidate.
 — WordsAndMe

Line 3- "Cave only looks open" Replace this phrase with a metaphor, something that only looks open...a whale's blowhole, that fucking windmill in minature golf,  a chinese finger trap (paper headaches) etc...so, you can make the metaphor of your vagina (cave) stronger if you extend the entire line into a metaphor.

"the stones you left are in the bushes" This phrase just does not cut it for me, I am sure there is strength in the thought that resides within you, what these stones mean or how much they weigh, but that rough rock weight does not extend to the audience. Furthermore, the implication of stone over rock or boulder displays a softness I don't think you wish to demand. Make the "stone" heavier, bigger, and touchable to the audience.

Cut out the first stanza, Make this poem lurk like the Taliban in the caves. Make yourself known as the hydra only at the end, as if, under the hate breeding over your thoughts within that cave, as you spy your man pumping his semen into other caves, that dwelling of anger, changed you into a beautiful little emasculating hydra. Then rip off his penis and dance like Dionysus fucking a goat, or himself.

I do have more suggestions, but I don't feel like sacrificing the time if such suggestions fall on empty ears.
 — pra3torian

I like this very much - has a feel of a Carol Ann Duffy piece called Medusa - not sure if the Hydra metaphor is sustained enough to the end (8-11), but the voice is good.
 — opal

btw - I like the stones analogy - I presume it refers to the heads of the hydra hacked off by Heracles and buried under stones by him - I like the way the poem suggests your modern day Heracles hasn't been able to bury his modern Hydra.

Opal
 — unknown

You are right, we need stones because the Myth has stones.

We need to follow the past, we need to stop thinking. We need to make sure we pay homage to the past. We need to stop thinking. Let us not make a new world. Which one in the past should be our home?

Drop the stones, drop them from your kidneys.
 — pra3torian

Boulder is the wrong word, pra3torian. That soft l and ou in the middle of the weight steal its mass. Stones has the ring of hardness: boulder is heavy and sits around like a lard ass. Beside. Think for a moment. Stones and bushes. Sure, it's metaphor crudely delivered, but I'm enjoying that so few have caught it.

Excising the first two lines has appeal. Ripping this one apart penetrates even deaf ears.
 — DianaTrees

Plenty to think about here, if I only had a mind.

Meep
 — unknown

Hm, then I suggest you modify the stones, "river stones," "lake stones" "lava stones" etc etc etc...

Or you could just do the electric slide....would you...do the electric slide?
 — pra3torian

I don't slide, pra3torian. Though electric has its allure, there's barely enough pain to get your attention. You have a good eye. Be sure to pay attention to what's important.




You left one stone in the bush
outside my cave: you've forgotten

over time, my tongue honed to a razor
by our years together. Now, I know

you, and who you've been with. And so I rise,

waiting for your return, knowing
what I'll take, and what you'll leave behind.
 — DianaTrees

Is it no circumstance that Hydra's are mentioned as having poisonous breath?

It's interesting what we learn about our past lovers, that was there all along but we never really saw.

"you've forgotten over time"
is the only lone line.
This adds emphasis to it, yet leaves it alone to defend itself. I'm sure too much has been forgotten over time to mention anyway.

However, when I read "When you last knew me, I had but one tongue,
not yet the razor honed by our years
together"

I enjoy it, a razor tongue, what better then to cut another tongue out with. What better a way to describe the sharp words no doubt exchanged. However, I fall on "by our years together" on the second read.
When he last knew you, those must have been years you spent together.

perhaps it was honed by reflection on your years together.. while apart..

Overall however, I love it.
 — PipPatois

electric slide ... reminds me of something?
 — unknown

perfect and bizarrely comforting
 — banditfemme

Diana, I love this.  I love the tone of it, and feel very much attracted to the power of language, the unexpected jolts the reader is offered ... I am not sure why some of the comments call it incomprehensible.  Good work, powerful language, always your style
Maria
 — slancho

oh boy...that razor tongue honed by years is a great image. not the usual cheating piece.

all the images rock! the hydra spitting 8 in one breath, each on meant for you-i love it.

our silent screams are the loudest
 — ilenelush

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