poetry critical

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I love you, I love you not

I will tear you into pieces like a daisy, each bit a wish
for a tomorrow larger than your pistil. And then, I will swallow
you and bear the stigma of having you inside. After that, we
will twin, until stigmata bleeds you from me. Like a dogwood's
dream, you will twist, shaking angry fingers at the sky
and sun that pulls you from my guts and back
into the daisy you were before you were inside of me.

15 Jun 06

Rated 4.7 (6) by 3 users.
Active (3): 5, 6
Inactive (3): 3, 6, 7, 8

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(13 more poems by this author)

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I don't really see this action as tearing a daisy into "pieces."  Petals, really, though a more clever way to state that must exist.  Yes, but "pieces" is definitely not working for the image there.

Enjambment in L1 is strong but much weaker in L3;  ending a line in "After that, we" is really just boring.  Upon reading the end of this line, I'm not entirely excited about what the next line has to offer.
I think the period is an odd choice in L4.  Perhaps a semi-colon would be more appropriate, being as you are connecting two similar ideas/images.

I'm yet to see someone shake angry fingers in my lifetime.  Though, saying angry fists would have been cliche, so congrats on not choosing that.
Great enjambment in L6, creating two ideas:  That s/he is being pulled from your guts and back  &  that s/he is being pulled back into the daisy.  Very nice.
L7's wording is so weak -- The message is strong, strong enough even to close this well, but the word order/choice is off.  Perhaps rethink L7 a bit.

A good write.  I find none of the mechanics, word choice, or other techniques memorable, but the overall metaphor will stick with me.  Now the challenge is to create a well written poem to do justice to the brilliant idea.
 — WordsAndMe

poor effort
 — unknown

I'm still thinking about this one
 — unknown

inside of me

that uses two prepositions  of is unnecessary.
 — unknown

the first line is awkward.  tearing like a daisy.  doesn't make sense.
how about something to modify daisy - like a found daisy or
how about remove your petals as I would a daisy, each petal a wish
 — unknown

it reads like you woke up at three in the morning by mistake and composed this in a confused and dillusional state. i like it. 8
 — SharpKnife

my only correction, use less pronouns and refer to the subject by name. it would make some stuff clear.
 — SharpKnife

Sharpknife you need sharpening - it's FEWER PRONOUNS not LESS PRONOUNS.  

and do you not read the irony in what you just wrote:
refer to the SUBJECT BY NAME. it would make some stuff clear.

 — unknown

i beleive the point of the site is to critique the poetry, not me. well waste your time as you like, though i recommend remaining unknown since stalking me is as pathetic as it is disturbing.
 — SharpKnife

damn people even start to critique other peoples comments now this is a poetry critique site keep the critique for the poetry...now for the poem I must admit I like this poem but i dont as well its kind of hard to explain I just don't get really any feeling from it sorry but I like how you put the words
 — Phoenix567

Oh boy, I just wrote in a thread on the Message Board that I wished you'd do something other than trite emo-poetry. And here we go again! Just thought I'd see what you were up to and it hasn't changed. Well, at least no four-letter words and there is an interesting reference to flowers. The "larger than your pistil" line is cute too. Otherwise, just another emo-poem, one of so damn many here.
 — wamblicante

Yeah, like "bit" L1, is a really floral and well chosen word! An understanding of line breaks does not a good poem make. And feisty comments does not a good poet make.
 — unknown

she chose the word "BIT" to indicate that the pieces are very small
 — unknown

HE idiot
 — unknown

>she chose the word "BIT" to indicate that the pieces are very small

Shut up
 — unknown

I feel as though you picked through a "bargain bin"
for these metaphors, all are terribly cheap and cliched.
Ack, that was poor figurative language,
similar to that in this piece.
 — lacklusterrr

I like this one.

'I will(l1).. And then, I will(l2).. After that(l3).. you will..(l5)' - these drag it down.

There's so much of 'what you will do' in your poems and it gets a little annoying when there's no beginning, no ending and just an ejaculation.
 — weed

this makes no sense. its awful.
 — unknown

For some a daisy metaphor for love is too much work ^
 — unknown

i personally liked the way you used the parts of a flower. I find stanza 2 less clear. thanks for sharing.
 — Seeker

get your stigmata out of my stomata

 — unknown

since all your poems follow this same trend of sex and pain, i assume you lead an interesting life.
 — unknown

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