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Another Phoenix

Flames dance around me
my eyes glowing white,
and at the end of it all
why is it I still fight?
Afloat in the air
sparks ignited in my hair,
forced to watch you die
nothing here is fair.
I am steaming,
my rage feeds the fire.
As the fire dies down
I wish I were getting higher.

This is a quick poem I wrote I was bored as hell so I wrote that for the hell of it tell me what you guys think

15 Jun 06

Rated 7 (9) by 2 users.
Active (2): 5, 8, 9
Inactive (3): 10, 10

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Seems kind of teenage 'I *have* to rhyme!' sort of stuff. Ignore the rhyme, focus on the metaphor or imagery or whatever it is that this is about, and then love it more
 — unknown

I have so many teeny tiny points to make about this, I think rewriting would be simplier than attempting to explain.  Please do not take my rewrite as an insult, this is simply easier for me and hopefully an easier way for you to understand my ramblings :D

Flames dance around me
my eyes glowing white,
and at the end of it all
why is it I still fight?
Afloat in the air
sparks ignited in my hair,
forced to watch you die
nothing here is fair.

my rage feeds the fire;
the flames die down
as I wish i were higher.

Clearly I've some ideas for a few of the lines, but I like the poem as it is, too.  My rewrite is simply here to inspire you if the mood strikes.  nice write, author :D
 — WordsAndMe

I think you wrote this in less than 180 seconds.

WordsAndMe has been kind enough to offer an edit. Take the advice. But next time, craft a work. Don't spit it out and expect more than it's worth.
 — DianaTrees

actually, my edit is quite poor:  help on my breaks/wording, DT?
 — WordsAndMe

i disagree with the first couple comments... they seem to think that just because something is complicated that makes it a good poem... if you TRY to make it sound sophisticated it won't be you...people will be able to tell that you tried to make it smart....which is called....trying too hard...just being you is much better.  I like the poem, simple and honest and angry and sad...all at the same time. to me it just says i hate the world why don't i just kill myself...because i just can't
 — loveart416

I did write this poem in probably less then 2 minutes lol but thanks for sayin it aint that bad anyway and thank you loveart416 for the compliment but I must agree with DianaTrees except for the part expecting something more i was actually quite expecting what you guys said lol so its all good and loveart416 if you check out my other poems you will see this is deffinately not my best but it is still alright in my minds eye...WordsAndMe I love what you did to Ls5-8 and I will change mine to yours but for the second stanza I will keep the same for now as I think of another way of rewritting that stanza thank you for your comments.
Calder Bourque
 — Phoenix567

I like this poem but i don't know what your expressing anger or sadness? But you get a 10.
 — Sephiroth

Thanks Sephiroth
 — Phoenix567

wow im very impressed! great work, and use of detail.
 — deadstar21

It's a bit of both and thanks deadstar21
 — Phoenix567

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