Blackwell House |
slancho
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Blemish of rain on swollen frames,
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1 |
almost invisible
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2 |
measures another morning,
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3 |
a ray of light tips the balance
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4 |
of piled shadows, as their darknesses,
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5 |
resplendent, nudge a half-visible moon.
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6 |
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What of the dark shape
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7 |
making its way in the background?
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Colossal its head. Pierced hands,
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bent under a pile of knotted tensions,
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10 |
navigate the blindness.
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Here, not transcendent,
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12 |
I stand before the shaman.
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13 |
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At the bottom-well of memory depositories
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the seer speaks of famine,
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leavened and soft.
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The flesh of earth receives me again.
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Under his hands, a loaf of bread rises,
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develops a golden crust,
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steam fogs my glasses -
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for a moment I cannot see.
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21 |
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A pilgrim, I have nothing to share -
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22 |
the shaman teaches me how to eat,
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how to be generous,
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how to break bread without a breach of faith,
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how to withstand time with my mouth.
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26 |
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In the dark, there are objects to touch:
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27 |
a pine cone reminds of grandsons,
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28 |
tobacco and sage faithful to each other
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remind of the time we lay on moist earth,
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bodies not denied or chipped away
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by the mortality of these infertile lands,
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stone onto stone, roots
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naked, smooth, raging-with,
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of the same mind.
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35 |
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9 Jun 06 |
Rated 7 (6.4) by 3 users.
Active (3): 1, 10
Inactive (4): 1, 1, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(67 more poems by this author)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Add A Comment:
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Comments:
This is quite lovely, and very evocative. Richness of image and feeling are your forte, and very much present in this poem. I love the way the narrative is so subtly woven into the beginning of the poem that as a reader I was unaware of where I was being led.
I'd only suggest, for readability's sake, that the first stanza be tweaked into a complete sentence; while I like the murkiness of the subject being unclear (either glass or ray of light) is it is just perfect for the miasma evoked, "nudge a half-visible moon" gets left hanging; maybe insert "and" their darknesses,/resplendent, nudge a half-visibile moon." You do such a wonderful job connecting one line, one thought or idea to another, it seems a shame to feel a need for breaks or punctuation at all, but I feel like a question mark is called for by line 7, "What of the dark shape," and might suggest the end of line 10; line 11 seems the strt of a direct statement.
Thank you for posting this. You are lovely, as is this poem.
— mikkirat
This pulled me in and captured my attention from the start.
I feel like a shadow invading a very private space.
— unknown
thanks, mikkirat and unknown, I have made some changes which, I hope, help the poem read smoother.
Mickey, thank you for the close read. You are right about the need to put ends to sentences from time to time, I do tend to overrun my poetry in subordinate clauses and the like, I hope the corrections help this read better. Thank you, love
unknown, you should not feel like you are invading a very private space, the work of art, once released, becomes property of the public domain (in a way at least) and I am glad I can welcome you in my world, if only for the length of time it takes to read a poem.
Thank you both:
maria
— slancho
Excellent revisions; the second stanza reads better with the question mark on line 8 than it would have as I suggested. This is wonderful as it is, but I've just two remaining micro-edits to suggest: a comma after "piled shadows" in line 5, such that the 'darknesses' nudge the moon, and maybe a full colon at the end of line 22.
Reading your work is a joy.
Thanks,
— mikkirat
wonderful
— xtormentedx
Mickey, I had the comma in line 5 and something came over me and I deleted it just this afternoon. I will make the changes, will have to think about line 22 though, I am not sure I want to draw attention to a list. Thank you for coming back to this, I like your latest as well, Cliff's ... I have missed you
xtormentedx, thank you for your kind comment
maria
— slancho
very good, great title. but made love is so blunt. might want to fix that. otherwise i love this. really well housed.
— listen
oh. hi slancho. great quality as usual. thanks for posting this.
— listen
listen, thank you for visiting:
I thought "make love" might be too blunt but then, I could not think of a way to fix that without trying to sound too cute or wordy ... but I see your point. I will see what I can do, thank you so much for your comments
Maria
— slancho
L3 'beholds' archaic, over-weighted
— unknown
unknown, what other less-archaic word do you suggest?
I quite like what "behold" suggests - seels, be-holds, grasps, reflects and I want to keep all these meanings implied
Thank you for engaging,
maria
— slancho
I'm afraid I have no alternative suggestion to make Maria.
— unknown
oh, that is OK unknown
I was thinking of seizes (as in grasps) or lossens (as in releases) or even launches (but there is too much agency in that) or ushers (as in sets forth) but then this latter one has an archaic feel to it as well I suppose. Hmm, I will think about it but I did want to maintain a reference to seeing and seizing at the same time.
Maybe that is what I was going for, a bit of an archaic feel and I think it might work alright. I do hope, however, this stumble does not take away from the poem for you
thank you for revisiting
Maria
— slancho
excellent poem, very moving, I was attracted to it instantly.
— gjenkins
Lovely indeed
— unknown
thank you, gjenkins and unknown
kindly
the poet
— slancho
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