poetry critical

online poetry workshop

You are the moon

Trapped between twelve o'clocks,
I bypass stars
to wish upon you.

5 Jun 06

Rated 7.3 (8.7) by 9 users.
Active (9): 1, 2, 5, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (19): 6, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)

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I dont like the last stanza, I think you'd have a more impactful piecei f you just elimiated it
 — madderhatter

You should have shut up a while ago.

If worthless poems were cheese and crackers, aw who gives a shit, this poem blows a whale's nutsac.

Go back to the drawing board and create one vivid creative image.
 — pra3torian

Please remove your footer.  Do not justify your work - let it stand for itself.

I'm a fan of L2.  L7, on the other hand, is so cliche I literally cringed in my seat - L9 may have enduced a shiver of ick as well.  L12-13 save the poem from painful cliches, though.
Room to improve, as always :)
 — WordsAndMe

Less crap?
 — povertea

Much less crap.
 — WordsAndMe

 — povertea

I like it. The last stanza is sweet. It's better now that it's not repeating the first line.
 — mmmkay

Not bad. The middle could use some re-working. Maybe be a bit more descriptive. I do love the sentiment of the last two lines.
 — deli_sub

Think you could cut everything, 'ceptin fer the last stanza. Make the title "You are the moon." And love it's smallness. Because the moon is big, and you are small.
 — GalvanicGirl

Perhaps you have already made many of changes suggested because I think your poem shines as is. Its earnest fervour is lovely. (9)
 — borntodance

Well I like this - :)
 — Mercedes

 — povertea

well, i am thoroughly confused by the comments, since it appears you have edited this greatly since first posting.

i don't know whether it is better or worse, but since the content is now rather small, the repetition of "twelve o'clocks" seems too heavy. so i think line 8 could be deleted.
 — inutile

mmkay. I'm actually considering Galv's suggestion. Make it super small. What do you think?
 — povertea

i think that's a very good idea. i hadn't read her comment before, i stopped after the first few.
 — inutile

Wow. This is greatly changed since I saw it last.

It's wonderful and tiny. Says everything you said before, I think.

Yeah. keep it.
 — unknown

I admire bold cuts. Like haircuts, we fear them so, but then we feel so light and new.
 — borntodance

 — povertea

It's all gone!

I like it. Much better than the shit it was before.
 — unknown

OH, MY GOSH!  This is so small, like looking at the through a microscope and seeing it glitter.  I am enchanted with this small piece!  Trapped between twelve o'clocks is a great line.
 — Isabelle5

Um. Thanks?
 — povertea

Thank you Isabelle!
 — povertea

looking at the moon - have to fill in the blank on my own comment.  See how excited I was?  I had to go delete my newest and post a new shorter one!  hahaha
 — Isabelle5

Yay! I'm *such* a trend setter.

Irish setter.


Do you suppose they set the Irish?
 — povertea

i don't know about that, but i know this is very nice. i'd be too scared to make such a big edit, but this is perfect.
 — inutile

I like it too. I don't see what's really wrong with it. Well written, and memorable. Different.
 — MrChris

Thank you MrChris
 — povertea

Those revisions were well recieved - congrats on the recent best, Povertea, you've earned it!  Great alterations - Great poem.
 — WordsAndMe

Thanks. It was due muchly to your pointing out the horrible crappiness that it was. (:
 — povertea

This is amazing. Vivid and quick, a short sliver of unrequited love.

 — tatotango

Oh love, it wasn't crap - simply needed some alterations become the triumph it is now.  The revision process is one of the most difficult [and often painful] for a writer - your brilliance in this process displays your true talent as a poet.  Very nicely done;  a great poem after some flawless revisions. :) Bumped from [5] to [9], too.
 — WordsAndMe

I love it. I guess it has had many lives before the one I'm looking at now. But I think it's beautiful and just what it needs to be. I also this pra3 has some major issues and needs counseling - so just ignore the spouting of ignorant bs - think of it like how a man goes out to get a flashy sportscar in an effort to glaze over his shortcomings
 — freqe24

Thanks WordsAndMe. You made me blush (:

freqe24, I've learned to ingore Pra3torian. Mostly. He can be and is a prick lots of the time, but every once in a while he spews out something useful. Thanks.
 — povertea

Interesting, these comments are.

But the pome is nice.  pretty perfect, indeed.
 — ifeltyou


Very nice. I like it.
 — unknown

I flat out love it.
 — lacklusterrr

Thank you!
 — povertea

You are the moon, sorry la la la I can't understand you.

 — unknown

I mean, 8.3 by 20 users and no one seems to have liked it that much in their comments.
 — unknown

Stop saying la! Or don't. Whichever.


Isn't that what Beaker says?
 — povertea

la la la

 — unknown

I am an eater from both tables and sometimes tv dinners just taste better.

 — unknown

Tru dat.

TV dinners rock.

Unless it's pork chops.

Pork chops make my stomach wiggle in uncomfort.
 — povertea

aint that the truth.

 — unknown

It sure ain't not.
 — povertea




someone better clean up my shizit.
 — unknown


I'm confyouzed
 — povertea

This is a succinctly beautiful image...
 — verao-breve

Well the end product would seem to validate all the cutting the comments indicate- pages like this one make me want a record of all the poems phases..
 — tanamac

Fucking awesome
 — unknown

Yeah, this is perfect.
 — unknown

Very good,
 — unknown

I love it!  
 — starr

 — unknown

 — Tentative

Wow. I love it.
 — unknown

Well, I think its something dressed up as a poem. Fur coat and no knickers?

Larry Mr. Underpants Lark
 — larrylark

Lovely random bit.
 — unknown

Thanks, unknown, for resurfacing this poem.  Otherwise I would have missed it
and I like it very much.  What's all the horse hockey about a poem needing to be
a certain number of lines to be worthy of reading?
 — tillmorgan

Grin-worthy. I like it, not irritatingly long and inane like a lot of the recent poems I've read. I could've guessed this was you, povertea, the second I saw the title.

Mad props.

 — teo_omega11

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