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Nero's Song
EchoesRemain

It never ceases to amaze me.
 1
Rome still burns,
 2
And there you are:
 3
Playing Nero's fiddle.
 4
Ashes look just like snowflakes
 5
When falling from above,
 6
(But snowflakes taste better)
 7
And if you listen hard enough
 8
The music is inviting,
 9
Though the herald of hipocracy.
 10
It's not history,
 11
It's not philosophy,
 12
And to be quite honest,
 13
We've murdered them both.
 14
Burn, Burn!
 15
The truth isn't in the manuscripts,
 16
No...
 17
It's hiding behind the words
 18
Of Nero's song,
 19
Burning, Burning...
 20
 
 
The truth falls from the sky
 21
(But snowflakes taste better)
 22

not one of my best, but... well there it is. constructive criticism is certainly welcomed and appreciated. but none of that "this is crap" sort of thing, please.

2 Jun 06

Rated 7.5 (7.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7, 8
Inactive (0):

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Comments:

My God this is crap. You should so take it off.

I like it.  :)-O-<
 — unknown

this is really neat.  a few suggestions: delete line 7 and 22.  I'm sure you like that sentence because your repeat it, but I feel that the parentheses break the flow.  You could either just delete it or find another way to say the same thing.  And as for the title-- when I think of someone's "song" I usually think that it will be from their point of view.  You should probably just call it "Nero" or a variation on the theme, because "Nero's Song" seems like it would be written as if you were Nero.  Just a few ideas.  thanks!
 — OwlGirl

Well thanks for the compliments.

OwlGirl: Do you think if I took out the parentheses I could keep the lines the way they are? or are they beyond repair? And the reason it's called Nero's Song is in reference to the actual song that Nero played while his empire burned. We don't know what that song actually was, but we all play our own little versions of it in our own lives. Perhaps I should change it to Nero's Fiddle?
 — EchoesRemain

    I think you could go with OwlGirl's idea that the title implies that the narrative voice is Nero.  I think the conciet of the poem could be improved if you alter a few tiny points to achieve that effect: instead of lines 3-4 reading, "And there you are:/Playing Nero's fiddle," maybe make it "And there you are:/Playing beside me".  The only other thing to change would be line 19, maybe to "of our song."
   I suggest this because the "we" in line 14 makes the reader (the "you") a co-conspirator, and I think that works better than having 3 presences in the poem (the poetic voice, "you" the reader, and Nero).
   Thanks,
 — mikkirat

Echoes, I just realized how many poems of mine you have favourited and I am very flattered, thank you!
I have read this poem a few times, and the comments, and I must agree that the presence of three people causes confusion.  For example, I have no idea who the "you" is in L3, or who the narrator is in relation to "you" or "we" .  
I apologize if I am making no sense.
I very much like the ideas you have, the interesting topic as well,
and I enjoyed the repeated line of snowflakes tasting better than ashes.  
Thanks,
Jen
 — jenakajoffer

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