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Wet Matches in A Dry Pocket
starr

Candles
 1
have become my dearest little friends,
 2
 
 
Their tiny, hopeful smiles
 3
throwing warm light
 4
in corners of my cold, pale room
 5
where there has been none
 6
 
 
Candles are the very reason
 7
I haven't snapped yet-
 8
 
 
And cigarettes.
 9

This poem WAS called Candles Have Been, but with Redsky's suggestions (which make sense), I have revised and retitled it.  Thankyou, Redsky!  Thanks, WordsAndMe!

31 May 06

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Comments:

the intention is good and the style is there
but the subject?  Too juevenile.
 — unknown

Thw last 4 lines are strong & I smiled (in recognition) but it's amazing I made it that far.  Were the first 8 lines intended to be weak treacle?  If this was intentional - to accentuate the shift to the harder starker ending, I don't think it works.  
Too many weak words with no evocative power - dearest little, tiny, hopeful, warm, cold, pale.  Warm and cold are only temperatures - consider "amber" or "frigid" - they bring emotion into the poem.
 — lindali

Just me watching candles burn down and smoking cigarettes.  No color nor temp in that.  Just had a bad day at work.  I ate some treacle with white clam sauce for dinner last night.  Thanks for hating it though.  I hated the mood I was in too.
 — starr

Hath no one  befriended a candle's light before?
 — starr

I light a candle every night and watch it while I smoke.  
I don't hate the poem at all - was just suggesting ways to make it stronger.
 — lindali

I light a candle every night and watch it while I smoke
and every time the candle sighs I give it another toke
we are buddies yes we are
I named my candle Bart
we'll stay together till it burns down
and then we'll have to part.

Then I'll get one named Roberta.
 — unknown

Awww...thanks, Lindali.  I love my little candles.  I'll seriously take a look at this poem again and see if there's any way(s) to improve it incorporating some of your suggestions.  Thanks!
 — starr

Brill.  Simply.
 — WordsAndMe

Thankyou, WordsAndMe!  Peace, love and candlelight.  
 — starr

I would consider changing the first line to something like Candles have been my close friends.  Candles can't be closeness, can they?

"Candles have somehow become my dearest little friends" would make more sense.   You might also want to take out 'somehow.'  It didn't just happen, you made it happen.

You might want to remove 'why' in line 10, as 'the reason' is why.  You don't really need the reason and why in the same sentence.  

The last two lines made me laugh.  I'd vote for the cigarettes being the real friends, candles second.  haha
 — Isabelle5

Thankyou, Isabelle.  I'm goin' back in for an edit.  Check back in about 10 minutes.  I like your suggestions too.  Thanks!
 — starr

Okay, Isabelle...DONE.  Thankyou again!  Yeah...those Marlboro Reds are my buddies.
 — starr

Nice revisions!
 — Isabelle5

Awwwww...thanks!  I appreciate your input.  Have a good night, Isabelle.
 — starr

starr, I'm starting to notice I love nearly all of your poetry :P!
 — WordsAndMe

Thankyou, WordsAndMe!  I was checkin' out your stuff too earlier!  Poetry helps us to literally "put it somewhere else."  I'm glad you like what I put out!  Peaceout.
 — starr

I like the afterthought "and cigarettes" but I think that you should have it all on one line rather than two.
For L7-8, have you considered "Candles are the very reason/ I haven't snapped yet?" I think it adds a bit more strength to the ending . . . ;-)
 — redsky

Revised and retitled.  Thankyou Redsky!  Hope this is a much better read!  Peace, love and poetry.
 — starr

Very welcome, Starr -- what a great poem! (favourite)
 — WordsAndMe

how ya likin' winter
so far?
little candles keeping
you warm?
cool title-and

sorry 'bout the
pats...next year, maybe?
 — chuckles

So happy to see this warm gem again!  Hi, Starr, from one afar...
 — Isabelle5

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