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hair of the dog
sam

waking up on a park bench,
 1
the morning begins hard and cold;
 2
the sun, a concealed pimple
 3
on the lip of the horizon. close by
 4
traffic snarls and bleats,
 5
pedestrians curse,
 6
and you feel the spirit
 7
of Jack Daniels guiding you
 8
to the amber light of the only god
 9
who will ever forgive you.
 10

17 May 06

Rated 9 (8.8) by 5 users.
Active (5): 5, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (10): 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(9 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

heh. I think the title is wonderful and necessary.
 — Maela

Excellent
 — gingerdave

great shape and content. A hint of melodrama in lines 8+9.
 — borntodance

thanks
 — unknown

favourite.
 — atlanticaa

I decided to face this one hungover for the full effect.

First three lines are forced with allusions, though the pimple on the lip of the horizon makes me giggle (and that hurts my head!)

From there on ... yeah. It feels like that.
 — unknown

l1 is not an allusion, it is a direct reference. l2-3 is an allusion (not forced), but also a play on words.
 — unknown

You're right. I suck. The first line is not an allusion. What I meant to say (through this throbbing head), is that mornings typically begin dark -- unless you live far enough north for the midnight sun. Granted, that's a possibility.

Still, darkest before the dawn and all that stuff. I think the morning could begin differently -- just cold. Then, tighten the second line: the sun, a concealed pimple/on the lip of the horizon.

Drop like. Make the sun icky, as it is for me at this moment.

Jack Daniels -- *whew* -- heckuva hangover in that one. Give me the Rocks every day.
 — unknown

usually getting drunk enough the night before will keep you in dreamland until nature calls (sometimes not even then), or you are awakened from the noise, as I was...morning for me started when I awoke, hence the sun was up, just obscured (much like a woman would conceal a pimple...there, but hidden). i will drop the 'like' though.
thanks for re-visiting.
thanks for the comments everyone.
 — unknown

How about this:

waking up on a park bench

the morning begins hard and cold;
the sun, a concealed pimple
on the lip of the horizon. close by
traffic snarls and bleats,
pedestrians curse,
and you feel the spirit
of Jack Daniels guiding you
to the amber light of the only god
who will ever forgive you.

hair of the dog



I would move "hair of the dog" to the bottom of the poem -- a line by itself, italicized probably. "hair of the dog" is wrongly seen as a cure for a hangover. that's why i'd drop it down.

that would mean the title could be "waking up on a park bench" -- It would still convey the same meaning, and give less away. Also, that would allow for a "hard and cold" morning.

So, what thinks you?
 — unknown

I think I love you - thanks for the re-write. I will change when I log back in.
 — unknown

Really first class with brilliant imagery cleverly placed
 — larrylark

Wow! This is a penultimate poem. Great job!! Woo-hoo! Seriously! I love it!
 — MrChris

though its very obvious, i love 'the spirit of Jack Daniels' they should use that in an ad campaign.
 — opal

It's a bit melodramatic.  Only an alchoholic could relate happily to this.
 — unknown

and you feel the spirit
of Jack Daniels guiding you
to the amber light of the only god
who will ever forgive you.

Yeah man.  Sorry, why? Dawn breaks and you cross the road.  I don't know, I'm a complex person I just feel I need more..
 — unknown

'i'm a complex person. i feel I need more' ha ha - don't you realise that telling us you're a complex person tells everyone that you're not one. Still it makes the poem look even better.
 — unknown

oh, the shame.  
 — unknown

like the image of the pimple sun. the length is perfect.
 — listen

and you feel a spirit
warm your chest
as the sun surely will
those who now pass you by;

a barking (mad) hint of a smile creases
into your sullon cheeks
as you know you have been blessed

hair of the God
 — unknown

Kind of insubstantial, what you are trying to say?
 — unknown

i've woken up in hyde park after being at the notting hill festival and a few clubs...
my head was still spinning, i was cold and i had grass in my mouth...
wasn't alone though...
 — varun

Hey Sam.  I'd make "hair of the dog" the title, and bring the title down as the first line since you're using it that way anyway.  The current line 9 is a stronger ending.

A
 — unknown

Oh, and I like your poem.  It portrays the feeling very well.
 — unknown

Thanks A. I like your way much better and will change when I sign in again.

Sam
 — unknown

this poem sucks
 — unknown

wonderful and beautiful poem. the person who just said it sucked, needs to go write some of her/his own poetry...and leave a name to the comments. coward!!!
 — Trudy

I dig it.  But consider the style.  The diction you use awards us the voice of a slurring drunk, instead of putting us on a park bench.  If you just present the taste of the scene, instead of a map, the imagination takes over.  Condense this, squeeze out anything unnecessary.

waking on a park bench
to hard, cold morning;
the sun, a lip-pimple
on the dry, chapped
sky.  traffic snarls,
bleats, curses

etc.
 — aurelius

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