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dancing home
sparrow

Mother,
 1
before I fall
 2
into the fiery abyss of my dreams,
 3
where flames like orange tongues beat
 4
on my skin,
 5
like rain, I think of you.
 6
 
 
I feel your touch flow, cooling streams,
 7
like water, from fingertip to shoulder
 8
and back again, from darkness, bring me back
 9
to earth and nights you lay beside me,
 10
stroked my hair until I fell asleep.
 11
 
 
I hear you,
 12
Mother,
 13
in breaths of steaming fields
 14
in harvest time,
 15
the smell of ripe papaya seed
 16
and honey dripping
 17
from a small child's lips,
 18
before the summer's breeze,
 19
can blow its final kiss.
 20
 
 
Wherever winds may carry me,
 21
through smooth and stormy days,
 22
I'l dance away,
 23
past blue and blooming meadows, over bridges
 24
and under trees with color-coded branches,
 25
to find you in the echo of my heart,
 26
to hold you in my arms and let you know,
 27
I'm home.
 28

13 May 06

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Comments:

There's a couple of typos right in the beginning that throw me off immediately.

L3 "fiery" L4 "tongues"

While those aren't very important in of themselves, need good first impressions, right?

However, I do like the shifting, memory-like tone of this; it's quite sensual and evocative. I think you could remove "think" from the beginning of L7 and not lose anything, as it comes just after one mention of thought. As it is, the transition between lines is a little repetitious. The use of " 'ere" in l19 bothers me just a little. It doesn't seem to come from the rest of the vocabulary used, it seems too archaic when the rest of the language and tone is modern. That's more of a personal peeve, though, I like consistency of tone. Overall, nice work.
 — dandy

thanks alot for your comment dandy!
You touched all the topics I was unsure about it, I'm really glad you pointed it out more concretely, you're exactly right. I changed it a bit, I hope it's for the better.
 — sparrow

I have to say dear sparrow,
I read near all your poems trying to find "the one".
Well, I'm happy to say, I found it.  This is it.
Well done.
If I would change anything in this poem, I'd completely remove line 11.
It feels stuck there, hard and sterile.

That's it.
Very beautiful!
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

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