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she's silver and she shines
xXxXx

emo

i have a friend, she's silver and she shines,
 1
her favourite subjects art and her favourite shape is lines,
 2
her favourite colours red, she draws upon my skin,
 3
some lines thick while other lines thin,
 4
sometimes she draws deep and the blood begins to run,
 5
to you it's disgusting, but it's just an addiction i begun,
 6
never in patterns just a line here or there,
 7
never too much just the pain i can bare,
 8
her favourite subjects art, her favourite shape is lines,
 9
her favourite subjects art and her favourite shape is lines,
 10
my friend, she's silver and she shines
 11

6 May 06

Rated 6 (7.5) by 1 users.
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Comments:

i'm usually not big on poems about cutting, but i think this one is very clever and interesting. my only suggestion is that in lines five and six, you try to change "begun" to "began" and still keep the rhyme scheme somehow.
 — HandsomeHerb

Why, when young kids 'cut', is it called 'emo'.  Why not self mutilation, a major symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder?  Where are these kids fucking parents?
 — unknown

i agree for the most part with handsomeherb.. the only thing i would change here to make it more.... ambiguous (lets say), is to take out "razorblade" from L10... to me, it would be much nicer to just have the entire thing emplied without it being said at all.. i like the whole connection to "art" and "lines" though.. and usually im not a fan of the rhyme, but i think it works nicely here. and its not emo at all, its more of an artistic statement.....
 — gears

It flows well but that presumably is the idea.
 — larrylark

this poem is not all that bad, but most of the poetic merit lies within the ambiguity. sometimes, not saying something straight out is more effective, and it seems that that's what you tried to do, only then you gave it away at line 10. i propose you delete the last three lines and instead replace them with an exact repetition of the first two.

nice use of rhyme, although it deteriorates nearing the end, another reason to delete line 10. also, use apostrpohes when needed, i.e. "subject's", "colour's", and tidy up the commas, in some places no or other punctuation would be more effective.
 — inutile

another thing: i don't understand the headnote. i know the word, but i don't know why you would want it as a headnote, whether you think people won't be able to understand the poem otherwise, or you want to put people off reading the poem, since "emo" poetry is usually viewed as bad.
 — inutile

It's a good poem about a sad subject but the grammar etc is a bit poor. It doesn't dstract from the message but to clean it up try:

I have a friend, she's silver and she shines.  
Her favourite subject's art and her favourite shapes are lines.
Her favourite colour's red, she draws upon my skin,
some lines thick while other lines thin.
Sometimes she draws deep and the blood begins to run,  
to you it's disgusting, but it's just an addiction I've begun.
Never in patterns just a line here or there,  
never too much just the pain I can bare.
Her favourite subject's art, her favourite shapes are lines,  
her favourite colour's red, my razorblade;
she's silver and she shines.

Just a suggestion about the general shape. I'd tend to agree with the earlier statement and not put 'my razorblade' in. It's not emo at all but it is definately interesting.
 — Thea

Excellent poem but please take razorbaldes out of L10 and joim L11 to L10. You honestly don't need to say, it is obvious it is about a razor blade. Keep it poetic as you have done very well throughout the poem.
 — marieF

thanx every1 4 the feedback. im deleting razorblade from it. im trying 2 get the point out that just coz ppl cut themsleves doesnt mean they're tryin 2 kill themsleves. they c cuttin as a release, something that makes them feel better, a friend. msg 4 unknown, im 16, im my own person, im independent, i dnt appreciate the ' where are these kids fucking parents ' comment. my parents have done everything 4 me, yet i still cut.
 — xXxXx

its dark and happy at the same time....kudos
 — loveart416

Not really emo. Not really poetry. Sure, you can blow off possessives to pretend emo, and bag the capitalization, as well as spiky hair and covered eyes. But real emo -- parodied just so -- would have challenging rhymes.

I do like the idea that her favorite shape is lines.
 — DianaTrees

It shows that u have been a cutter for at least a couple of years. You know that cuttin is more than people tryin to die. I wonder how long you been in two it.
 — BondageLover

i think it is a clever approach to make this rhyme.  the flow is a little bit off, but that can be fixed easily.  good job over all, kep it up (the writing not the cutting lol)
 — fishykarma

nice.
apostrophes? no? then none. yes, then all? no?
mmm.
 — varun

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