poetry critical

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i am derivative; no:

i am not derivative
i am
the same
as i always
was, still wearing
nothing but regret
in this rain
of you, for you
i am a fool,
seeing nothing but
a blind man's cherished
of a long-ago single sunset,
worn and greyed with age
a watercolor page
forgot within
a tome i can
no longer read
i have forgotten how
to see the beauty in the space
between, to hear the song
of you,
the secret
glance you gave,
you give
so furtively,
so rarely
And so your laughter
tinkles still, but not like bells
that i recall:
there is a hollow timbre
to the note,
an edge that cuts
fine lines into my tongue,
my eyes,
and i bleed
quietly for you,
of you.

20 Apr 06

Rated 9.1 (7.8) by 11 users.
Active (11): 1, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (4): 1, 1, 8, 9

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i'm in a situation - this situation.  Or what i interpreted this poem's situation to be.... anyway, a professor of mine once said that a poet comes into his/her own when his/her poem moves someone to some emotional release - tears, laughter, sickness of the stomach, etc.
Tonight, on this particuarly low night, this poem made Me cry, and so I love it - for its simplicity but faithfullness to real emotion, for its clever line breaks and appropriate word choice, for the images it presents the reader - but most of all, I love this poem because tonight, its what I needed.  So thank you.
 — WordsAndMe

thank you. i believe you understood me perfectly. to know that my pain is worth something to someone else is a blessing in an otherwise sad day.
 — noodleman

yes calculus can make you try to embellish its abstractness with emotion lotioned skins.

many a kiss and a fuck have compensated for euler et al
 — unknown

uh huh
 — noodleman

a limp lament.
 — unknown

a cockless comment
 — noodleman

Agreed - hey unknown above:  suck it.
Came back for a second read - still captures me perfectly.

Absolutely beautiful - and nice to know I'm not alone.  A triumph, noodleman.
 — WordsAndMe

nice one, noodles. sad but not maudlin - er, not too maudlin.

>>an edge that cuts  34
fine lines into my tongue, 35    - yep, like that one. watch me steal it.

 — unknown

thanks sam
 — noodleman

hey noodles, do you really need the first line? your title says it anyway.

 — unknown

This is great. Hats off to you
 — unknown

 — lazyduck187

Brilliant...I would expect no less. Nothing more to say except...favorited.
 — Catbox

i believe i do need the first line, yes. it is the conclusion of the title.

 — noodleman

 — noodleman

Love...and loss. Man, this gets better each time I read it.
 — Catbox

I missed you, noodles...it's so nice to be remembered fondly! :)
 — Catbox

I hate to use your pome as a venue for shameless self-promotion, but noodles please read/crit my pome 'glue.' It's been a while and I need your input!!
 — Catbox

i really like this
its truly powerful
the ending's especially good
 — sparrow

thank you sparrow.
 — noodleman

this is by far the best poem by you that i read.
they say 'get a rebound'... but for me, it isn't like that.
love... they say, it's better at least having it once...
i wonder if that is true. maybe the yearning for it is better...
in any case. i love you.
 — unknown

i like it for its sentiment, which usually i dont, but you use it well.
 — listen

preciate it. i love you too.
 — unknown

Yeh i love it too very smooth to read...'bleed' in line 37 threw me off i wish i could think of a better word or phrase for there
 — wantsaname

i was going to say that same thing about "bleed".
 — jade

what do you suggest, jade. any friend of ananke probably has a good idea or 10.
 — noodleman

well... let me think.
 — jade

however, don't decided whether or not i'm worth listening to on my relationship with ananke. read some of my stuff and then decide if you still care to hear from me. in the meantime, i'll still be thinking.
 — jade

dont think too long this sucker has 3 1s already.
 — noodleman

of a long-ago single sunset,
worn and greyed with age
a watercolor page

this is completely my preference but i think you can find a better way of saying this.  i insist that you continue to use watercolor because it fits the tempermentof this piece perfectly.

the rest is just gravy, terrific.
 — root

poetry is always compensating for our inability to be one with our finitude and thus redundancy.
 — unknown

thanks root.

 — unknown


so many characters holding hands with spaces too.

38, 39 i love, even though it is parallel to line 8, they have more sting there at the bottom.

beautiful. top to bottom. to sop with bread.
 — OKcomputer

FACT: you are by far the best poet on this site + this is by far my favorite poem of yours = this is the best poem on the site? you do the math.

OPINION: all unknown comments must die (not the people...just the things they do...well maybe the people too)
 — zackrabbit


Very often a poet writes not for an intended audience but in introspect. Works of this nature tend not to hold much merit poetically beyond the occasional limp simile or ‘artistically’ fashioned emo title. I’ve read a lot of that type of poetry and tend to skip by/over them nowadays, however given the author and his known writing abilities it accorded a little further effort, a good lesson to learn came hence. Poetry is not just about the writing, reading – critical reading is crucial.

i am derivative; no:  

i am not derivative  1
The poem reads in a direct and personal manner, a communication intended specifically and solely for one reader. I am hoping therefore that in sharing it, in this style it develops some empathy for the narrator. However the title and opening, a bold inflexible statement, tells us that the narrator quite possibly has positioned him/herself in that which we expect must follow, heartache.

i am  2
the same  3
as i always  4
was, still wearing  5
nothing but regret  6
in this rain  7
of you, for you  8

i am a fool,   9

If nothing has changed what is the point of the statement?
Why / what do you regret and why still?, what attempts have you made to change this and why have they failed?  

The metaphor of stripping yourself naked - vulnerable in an emotional storm is good, but, attached with regret there has usually been an un-desirable action on behalf the person whom feels the regret, in this case that is hindering the empathy that should be building for the narrator especially as we do not know why the narrator feels the regret.

I believe L9 is it intended as ‘for you I am a fool’ but the line break here is no accident offering the alternative ‘I have been a fool for my actions which have led to my regret’ or ‘I am a fool for remaining this way’? nicely opening alternative definition to the words that follow.

seeing nothing but  10
a blind man's cherished  11
memory  12
of a long-ago single sunset,  13
worn and greyed with age  14
a watercolor page  15
forgot within  16
a tome i can  17
no longer read  18
This is the strongest stanza, I particularly like the implication of ‘blind man’ as we do not know how long the man has been blind, there is possible inference that the memory is in fact imagined and set over time. The ‘water colour’ metaphor strengthens this possibility presenting the idea that memories are fluid and can be modified. Tome and its inherent academia suggests that a lesson should be learned returning us to the pivotal L9  which now holds the last of the three meanings above giving an edge to the poem which I like.

i have forgotten how  19

to see the beauty in the space  20
between, to hear the song  21
of you,   22
the secret  23
glance you gave,   24
you give  25
so furtively,   26
so rarely  27
now.   28

We are told the glance is a secret one but further description of its purpose is lacking you may consider swapping ‘secret’ on 23 for an adjective which develops the intent of the glance, also secret is repeated with ‘furtively’ on 26.

And so your laughter  29
tinkles still, but not like bells  30
that i recall:   31
there is a hollow timbre  32
to the note,   33
an edge that cuts  34
fine lines into my tongue,   35
my eyes,  36
and i bleed  37
quietly for you,   38
of you.

To me a hollow note doesn’t posses the power to cut rather something like ‘shrill’ would be better suited providing an almost bitter response to the years of neglect and being taken for granted.

The lines at first seem to be too short, effectively disallowing any ease about the poem, however this is good thing. The lack of comfort offers a inverse reflection of the situation that has likely led to the current dis-ease.  Each line typically ends with a strong emphasis or is followed by a well considered enjambment. There are a couple of areas that you may consider modifying: L10 end on ‘nothing’ and move but cherished both down a line. Make 22&23 one line. L29 small ‘and’

Overall all a poem that could easily be skipped past but shouldn’t be, unfortunately I don’t see any definite message here for the impartial reader, unless the entire poem is a metaphor for some deeper meaning that has alluded me thus far (please advise)

Please don’t hold back on any comments, as learning to offer critique is equally important as developing the poetry. Thanks for the opportunity to read and comment.  

 — unknown

Lines one to nine, man. All I ever need to read in another sad love pome is lines one to nine.
 — wendz

The situation I first said this poem reminded me of in my first comment has...turn bitter, so I came back for a reread.  I still absolutely love this poem, noodleman - bloody brill.  Lovely in the most depressing way, that makes me weep a bit each time I read it.
 — WordsAndMe

 — unknown

huh is the new bump
 — unknown

 — unknown

I recommend starting the poem at line 10. The start is meandering and doesn't match the quality of the remainder.

When you preceed line 15 with 14, it confuses the idea a bit. Better I think to flip the order. i.e. "a watercolor page worn grey with age".

Line 20-21 planted a suspicion in my mind that you're stealing from Dave Matthews, but I don't know if you're even aware of his song.

Line 29 would read stronger to my eye as "Your laughter tinkles still". I think explanatory language weakens the delivery.

I think you could polish up the sound and trim some extra words to improve.
 — rocket

Beautiful. I really enjoyed this. Thanks.
 — Andiam