poetry critical : poem

my April

sparrow

I want you to be my April	1
because the rhythm of your breath,	2
when you're sleeping,	3
reminds me of spring.	4

Let me call you April	5
because I've never come across	6
a brighter storm; you	7
surrounded by gusts of wind	8
and rains which beat on the window panes; of me.	9

From a distance,	10
I knew you would be my April,	11
for it was only you who shook	12
my inner garden, only	13
your rains which made it grow,	14
your winds which carried	15
the echoes of yet tender thought	16
across my heartbeat meadows, and only	17
under the rays of your smile	18
can my blossoms break open, the song	19
of my dearest, most sweet-scented gardens	20

arise.	21

11 Apr 06

Rated 8.5 (9.5) by 2 users.

Active (2): 7, 10
Inactive (2): 9, 10

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escapeartist

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Comments:

thank you sparrow

this is beautiful
— unknown

this is a beautiful poem! It's perfect just the way it is. A 10, and very much deserved. Congradulations on being such a spectacular poet!
— OwlGirl

Thank you so much! I feel quite honored!
— sparrow

I still love this one! Especially "heartbeat meadows." I would give my right arm to have your talent.
— OwlGirl

i love this, its idk how to put it, but it made me smile =D
— delusional

thank you delusional!
your comment made me smile as well.
— sparrow

I couldn't quite tell how someone could be like Spring, but now I know. Some ideas in the poem may seem cliche, but I don't really think that they are. They tie into Spring quite nicely. A suggestion however would be to somehow end with mentioning again how this girl is your April. You ended mentioning how are smile with make flowers blossom in your garden. Why not try to end with saying something again about April. In line 2...I doubt "because" is needed...it's assumed. Keep it if ya want, but it's probably not needed. A nice idea for a poem Sparrow.
— MrChris

thanks so much for your comment MrChris!
I can see your point in mentioning "April" in the end... but it's always hard for me to part from the ending i have chosen for a poem. I'll surely will give it some thought (I know that's what I always say, but it's true!)
I could change the "because" into a "since"...
— sparrow

I left April for May who threw me over for June cus she was gay and April would not have me back,said i was a right shower so now i am marching round serching for another o compare with her,the spring of all my emotions

Larry stupid Lark
— larrylark

ummm... i don't know if I should thank you for that comment or wish you good luck on your way larry, since i don't think you frustration has much to do with this poem...
— sparrow

i mean your
and it was a rather original wordplay
— sparrow

WOW!!!!
— cindy28

most impressive! an incredible tone carries this poem as though it were a bottle lost in the ocean only to land in the hands of a perfect stranger on shore.
— escapeartist

Oh April,
let you cometh to my bosom
and look up to me, those gem stones
full and bright, light the spark of my desires.
Oh April, though you fall, a shower
over many men, the rainbow arcs above
only me.
Oh April, it is then I feel quite pale,
for when I read this I know - this must be it
when the strength of love must fail
but nay - I rebuke!
(then insert a last of your choosing proided the endword is: puke)
— unknown

thanks so much for your comment escapeartist!
and unknown... the poem was interesting, though I'd leave the last line away;-)
— sparrow

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