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A Dead Leaf Grave (one note song)

A dead bird
on the side of the road,
her neck pulled back
                  in a sharp curve.
I brush the fly
from her breast and
turn her
with a light touch
so that her wings
                  hug the earth.
She cries in the grass
and it seems that I
have been where she is,
                  once or twice.
I place last year’s
dead leaves
on her form but
I can still hear her soft sobs
from the grave I made for her
as I walk away.

4 Apr 06

Rated 7.5 (7.5) by 2 users.
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Remove the comma from L19.
 — unknown

Thanks, I didn't catch that earlier.
 — unknown

Outstanding. My favourite entry so far. The only nit pick is that this should be four stanzas, not one. However, if you are willing to change this to adapt to the rules, you could just enjamb more of the lines; I don't think that that is necessary. This is already an amazing pome. I want to say well done, and thank you for this beautiful pome. Please don't delete it.
 — wendz

Yeah, I would have liked to separate the lines a bit. Would have made it more stark, but oh well. Maybe after the contest I can edit it.
 — unknown

Is this a little better? I think it seems a little more organized, but in a forced way. Not sure if I want to sacrifice the integrity of the poem this way.
 — unknown

This is good, too. Except - you still need the stanzas :) I guess just edit it after the contest.
 — unknown

Yeah, I probably will just separate some things at the end of the contest. Think I should leave the poem the way it is now or take out the indentations?
 — unknown

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