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my version of the virgin (one note song)
unknown

her first dance, she took my hand
 1
on fresh white sheets we laid,
 2
tan skin, now blush red at the cheek
 3
from how we'd moved and swayed.
 4

27 Mar 06

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Comments:

Love lines 1-2 (and double entendre of 'laid')
Not so sure about lines 3-4 as they flow less well. Line 3 feels a little too long, rhythmically.  Could you shorten it a little? I'm not sure you need 'her' again and maybe not 'now'. Just suggestions.

This could be even better with a bit of tweaking.
 — smugzy

edited a bit, thanks smugzy
 — unknown

I just lost my virginity last weekend. This makes me happy.  :)
Playing a bit of devil's advocate - I like lines 3 & 4 - good images there. Reads well aloud, too.
 — WordsAndMe

I think the dance-sex thing has been over done.  The moved and swayed are not offensive, but consider changing dance.

...we lay,
 — housepoppy

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