poetry critical

online poetry workshop

my version of the virgin (one note song)

her first dance, she took my hand
on fresh white sheets we laid,
tan skin, now blush red at the cheek
from how we'd moved and swayed.

27 Mar 06

Rated 7 (7) by 1 users.
Active (1): 7
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


Love lines 1-2 (and double entendre of 'laid')
Not so sure about lines 3-4 as they flow less well. Line 3 feels a little too long, rhythmically.  Could you shorten it a little? I'm not sure you need 'her' again and maybe not 'now'. Just suggestions.

This could be even better with a bit of tweaking.
 — smugzy

edited a bit, thanks smugzy
 — unknown

I just lost my virginity last weekend. This makes me happy.  :)
Playing a bit of devil's advocate - I like lines 3 & 4 - good images there. Reads well aloud, too.
 — WordsAndMe

I think the dance-sex thing has been over done.  The moved and swayed are not offensive, but consider changing dance.

...we lay,
 — housepoppy

Newest (expand)
Recently Commented (expand)