poetry critical

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"300 gigs of porn"
aeturnus

he said, lifting a piece
 1
of metal to the air. "over
 2
36 days worth. that's
 3
twenty-four hours of
 4
heaven, each moment for
 5
an entire month." he
 6
said.
 7
 
 
"but it's cool, cause
 8
my whole fraternity
 9
shares it. and we're
 10
not a bunch of fags.
 11
so you should rush." away,
 12
i thought, i should
 13
rush away.
 14
 
 
turn corners slighter,
 15
earlier and leave the
 16
same way i came in.
 17
but now i'd know to
 18
avoid the stiff rags
 19
on all the floors and
 20
leave thru the back door.
 21

21 Mar 06

Rated 6 (6.2) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7
Inactive (5): 1, 5, 6, 6, 7, 8

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Comments:

I'd add quotes around your thoughts.

"away," I thought, "I should rush away."

I'd change "thru" to through in line 21.

I'd capitalize all I's.

I would also capitalize all first letters of lines, But that's just personal preference. But if you insist on using periods I would definitely capitalize the beginning of sentences.

Aside from that I really liked this.
 — kaze

Thats not something I want to read ever, again.  But it was effective!
 — Infrangible

you stayed?
 — gnormal

gnormal: Yeah, I'm not much of a quitter, I guess.  Or, wait, was that a sign of distaste? What'd I ever do to you? :-(

Infrangible:  Lol. Thank you.

kaze: Thank you for your comments, I'll take them under careful consideration.  If I could, though; I'd like to ask how the poem made you feel?  Besides marks of stylistic discontent that caught your eye, did the poem evoke any such emotion in you besides displeasure towards my style?  Again, thank you for your critique.
 — aeturnus

I thought it was funny, I think the first time I read it I laughed out loud. :)
 — kaze

lol, excellent :) thanks
 — aeturnus

Interesting work. Frat boys and monkey
spankings, and all that tommy-rot.

I think line 12 is forced. Only the college folk will understand the dual meaning of rush. the period quotation mark separating rush and away are intrusive.

Think about capitalizing

so you should Rush."
away, i thought, i should
rush away.

By capping the first Rush and lc the second, you give the non-college folks a chance to realize something is special about the first.
 — alicedark

Its great comentary
 — katt

That sounds like my bedroom. 7/10
 — Henry

sexy.  I liked it
 — unknown

sex is overated. unrated porn is good.


larry advark
 — unknown

I think this should be banned.
The word 'porn' offends me.
 — unknown

yeah, yeah, you're a champion of free speech, we're hypocrites, all that rag...

PC sees someone like you every couple of months, then you get distracted or fed up and move on

fischer-price revolutionaries
 — unknown

@latest unknown:
I'm glad you'd consider me a champion of free speech.  Consequently, I don't see what this has to do with free speech at all.  Nor do I understand how I'm calling anyone a hypocrite.  And I'd have to argue that I'm no sort of revolutionary.  I don't think I can even thank you for the consideration in that area, either.

Nonetheless, you're right, PC does see someone like me every couple of months.  I'll assume I can confide in you and mention: it's probably me.  In fact, you can check at the top, under the title.  If it says my name, it's probably me -- just a little FYI for the potentially confused.  

Now, I'm neither fed up or distracted -- but it will probably be months before you hear from me again.  Good luck.  If you had posted your name, I would have liked to enjoy your poetry.

-Aet
 — aeturnus

your sentiments and self-absorption are appreciated, aeturnus, but those comments about championship of free speech are actually directed the unknown who found "porn" offensive, not to you, the author of the piece.

just FYI, potentially confused.
 — unknown

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