poetry critical

online poetry workshop


i'llikeu in hawaii
i'llikeu with a spoon
i'llikeu up my stairs
i'llikeu in my room
i'llikeu when ulikie
the thoughts upon my wall
i'llikeu drinkin glenomade
isowanchutu comtucall!
i'llikeulookie this one!
ulikie? it's for you!
i'llikeu when u'llookie here
olookie lookieoo!

21 Aug 03

Rated 7.9 (7) by 22 users.
Active (22): 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (20): 1, 1, 2, 2, 2, 2, 4, 6, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10

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This poem made me smile. I'm sure I'm pronouncing some of the words wrong, but it sounds so cool anyways. Nice work here poet of "I'kkikeu."
Obviuosly you took sounds/words from the Hawaiian language. Clever idea. The last line's great!~Chris King 10/10
 — FrChris

This is so much fun to read that I think my grand-daughters would love it. Very clever. Was it as much fun to write?
 — Isabelle5

Sort-of clever.
 — Moth

Whimsical but it works - nice to read something light-hearted.
 — susanna15

gnormal, are you a published poet? because you damn well ought to be.
two years, so far, of college english under my belt, and it's rare to see poets as consistently talented as you.
 — unknown

This makes me laugh. I particularly like line 8.

My primary critical comment on this is about the structure: the first verse is all "i'llikeu"s, but the second and third "i'llikeu" only on 1 and 3, and end with exclamations. "Techinically", to keep the formation, I'd suggest that the first verse be modified to fit the pattern of the others, or that it be lengthened, so that the first verse would operate as an intro. But it really doesn't need that.

What might be nice is if the first verse (or something similar, keeping with the nonsensical seduction scheme) was repeated at the end. It doesn't need to be, but if it was then that scheme would be a more solid part of it. But since it's primarily just silly wordplay, I don't know if you'd want to go that route or not.
 — semaj

eelookielikeaman. dkm
 — unknown

Heheh. Cute. :)
 — honestcrime

Hilarious. Very clever use of what could nearly be called gibberish.
 — JohnB

Lol. this is great.
 — silolater

It's cute.
 — abby

 — onklcrispy

hahaha.. this made me laugh =P first paragraph was pretty kinky
 — lilminx506

I think it's cute!
 — unknown

how naughty-whimsy. hehe it makes me smile.
i like how lines 7-8 break words, it feels slippery.
 — lai

It works well, but it didn''t make me smile... or laugh, clever though.
 — Leanan

 — OKcomputer

too confusing.. clever though
 — SweetxMemory

sniceoviu tomake this
sniceoviu towrite
sniceoviu totakethetime
toshare tisnicedelite
 — noodleman

awwww. so cute. =)
 — unknown

beautiful!!it´s so cute wow!!it make me laugh!!!! i love it!!!!
good job!!!8D....lol!
 — unknown

this poem invalidates the legitimacy of this site
 — unknown

awww its so cute!!
 — sabz3003

i couldnt get anyhting from this poem, sorry, love poems are incredibly hard to write well because it has been done so many times before the theme and structure left me going so what?

sorry if i was harsh but i seriously didnt like this poem.
 — JFThompson

Did you mean to write drinking lemonade, instead of "i'llikeu drinkin glenomade" in line 7?
 — Lia

why say one thing
when you can say two?
 — gnormal

why say two
when you can say nothing at all?
 — Lia

No, seriously, I love this poem, it's in my favourites, has beem since the first time I read it. I was just trying to possibly point out an error, as I wasn't sure exactly what you meant.
 — Lia

oh hello!  i just bumped into you in the hall where the random poem was suffocatingrass.
 — gnormal

oh look someones little kid wrote a poem, how cuuute.
 — bianca

Its weird. The first stanza was ok, but the rest of it makes you sound like a mental patient.
 — marchhare

Ha ha! ilikie
 — hobby

What a wonderful, fun random Friday poem.  I like this even better two years later.
 — Isabelle5

and this is one em poems

that looks real dumb

but in reality

so much fun

i could see the chipmunks doing dis

with pavaroti

next christmas in october

thank you

Betty Croquet
 — unknown

Ohmy.  That is by far the stupidest piece of poetry I've ever read!!  A favorite.

It helped that I sang it to myself.
 — Infrangible

makes no sense.
 — unknown

It seems that you are back in fashion! Well deserving.
 — winter

This is just gibberish. Nothing of substance.
 — unknown

this is so cute, it's almost disgusting. almost. oh man i love it! gahhh.
 — ruyi

this reminds me a lot of silverstein's runny babbit. outstanding.
 — chloroplasty

hey, da kine ok for me. when yu coming do haiku for merwin? he da man. we all fine haiku and make luau for all the people here. make the poetry critical rock. that ok.

dumb old fisherman,
poking his stick at the fish:
"die!! stupid poets!!"

 — mikebauer

Mikebauer is an asshole.
 — unknown

yes, but i can out-write you, out-think you, and i'm funnier too. my dik's only average size though, and maybe yours is bigger? would that make it so you could win?

hey, blue ribbon!!
 — mikebauer

very cute - I know hawaiian has only 7 letters in the alphabet
do your fun words conform to the hawaiian alphabet?

very funny
 — unknown

akshully, that's in local-kind talk, and uses american. hawaiian language sound actually has about 40 sounds to make, but the missionaries reduced the alphabet for simplicity.
 — mikebauer

It's hard to enjoy your poem when that Asshole mikebauer commented on it.
 — unknown

the bag-lady's back! hi, bag-lady, who you screaming about now? mr. reagan again??
 — mikebauer

Nice poem about a language from another place i'll never get a chance to visit.

Larry home is where the heart is Lark
 — larrylark

really fun and clever
 — tillmorgan

enjoyed thoroughly, classy poem.
 — unknown

ick. Write in english.
 — unknown

 — unknown

creative, and very seusslike.  I like it, though I find it a little overrated by the others, still good though
 — mike_kelley

This is poetry?
 — unknown

I reckon gnorm must have the 'onesters' by the balls. :)
 — unknown

ilikey u'rhythm
ilikey u'nerve
ilikey  that this poem
gets da props that it deserve...

very cute!
initially, it was a challenge to read it, but once one makes that effort, it all just comes together perfectly.  this is something one with a stick up their ass could never get into.  I, on the other hand, don't know of nor possess such a frigidity within me-self.  yeah!  I likey!  
 — starr

This is unique. And I gotta say, that I had to read it over once more because of the spelling.
 — pl_rose03

 — Virgil

i likie
 — unknown

HAHAHAHAHA!  I forgot all about this one.  Noodles did something like this about his mother once - it stumps you and then you catch on.

Great humorous writing.  
 — Isabelle5

i am reading this in hawaii. right now. how deliciously fitting!! my girlfriend and i are laughing. i esp. love the rhythm to lines 9 and 10!
 — humblebee

iredit on the toilet
iredit on the bed
iredit on the kitchen floor
lredit taking med

fun and foolish, it's good to read something that's not morbid, depressed, angry or self consciously intellectual.
 — skinnyJon

now i have a migraine
 — unknown

It's wickedly clever and fun but I'm really struggling with the fact that it's so highly rated.
 — rrichards5

watch richard struggle.
poor richard.
 — unknown

I'm struggling along with Richard. Cute, but that's about it. To mention it in the same breath as Noodleman's "my thursday poem" is a bit of an insult. Gnorm has written so much better than this.
 — unknown