poetry critical

online poetry workshop



shhh...
insideout

silent grass,
 1
the afternoon sky,
 2
and red translucence through my fingers
 3
 
 
each remind me,
 4
of how much I ache,
 5
to have nothing on my mind.
 6

18 Mar 06

Rated 8.3 (8.4) by 6 users.
Active (6): 7, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10
Inactive (1): 9

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Comments:

mmmmm... i love short, strong poems.  thank you.
 — exparadise

maybe if you changed the title (as it is now reminds me of theo1dcrow's attempt at poetry) and made the lines the same length in both stanzas ie. L1 & 4 have the same amount of syllables, L2 & 5 have the same amount, et cetera
 — inutile

thank you both for the comments..

dunno about oldcrow, but this title I like, since to me it represents the shutting out of all the voices in my head. the essence of the poem.
and you're right, the sentences could use a little restructuring. I'll work on it in a bit.
Thanks.
 — insideout

silent grass
afternoon sky, red
translucence of fingers

each reminding
how much I ache  
nothing on my mind
 — unknown

^essence of the poem
 — unknown

i like this well done
 — xtormentedx

Nice.
 — unknown

made some minor changes to line 3.
but dont feel like messing around with it too much now.
thanks a lot for the suggestions though.
 — insideout

beautiful poem
 — unknown

This poem is a poor atempt of poetry. Don't give up your day job, if you have the brains to hold one down!
 — unknown

yeah...just another one of my days
 — unknown

and now the sun walks in since i last refused to go out.. that nasty little bugger
 — unknown

Oh that magic feeling,no where to go.
 — larrylark

still cant decide on whether i love or hate that feeling
 — unknown

I'm with exparadise...definitely love a poem that strikes hard and strikes fast!

this one does just that.
 — LauraLea2

Gorgeous, powerful, and very relaxing. Great poem, my favorite kind.
 — FangzOfFire

silent grass
afternoon sky
red translucence
through fingers

all reminders
of how I ache
to have nothing
on my mind
 — varun

:)

its been so long since i wrote this. somehow...

Nothing seems to have changed
 — unknown

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