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You're in New York City (edited)
SweetPain

And I am here waiting,
 1
 
 
thinking of you
 2
in that exhaust fogged air
 3
in the bright blinding lights
 4
and the beautiful sleepless nights.
 5
Now I am wondering
 6
are you wishing
 7
 
 
I was there?
 8
 
 
Breathing that air,
 9
dazzled by the lights,
 10
nocturnal.
 11

14 Mar 06

Rated 8 (7) by 5 users.
Active (5): 8, 8
Inactive (1): 4, 8, 9

(define the words in this poem)
(70 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

I don't know. were you ?
 — unknown

no i am not. but your twin sister is.
 — unknown

it's a nice poetic thought but isn't poetry...you lend a scene, but don't really let that scene play into an overall emotion of the poem and it feels as though part of a note or greeting card you may have sent someone, but not something beyond that explores an emotion.

I think you could probably develop this into a poem by expanding it somewhat to involve the senses of the reader.  

Jo
 — NoWayJo

I like this one.
 — starwars

kansis
 — unknown

expand this it will be great i can see as much as you have in a song if you choose to make it one if you do i would really like to see it when its done
 — loveisgreat

thanks NoWayJo, starwars, and loveisgreat .
I am now thinking of adding to this poem, i was thinking that it was unfinished when i wrote it, but not quiet sure lol. thanks guys :D
 — SweetPain

ooo loverly.
 — jittery

I like the new ending.
 — fallinforyou

Nice.  New York City never sleeps.
 — Isabelle5

aww  thanks a bunch guyyys!
but is it finished?
 — SweetPain

I don't know, it's your poem, you tell us.  
 — fallinforyou

you know your right.i guess i will have to mull over it a little while longer.
thanks fallinforyou
 — SweetPain

I do what I can, and am happy to do so.  If you do decide to add/revise, I'm sure it'll be great.
 — fallinforyou

I would put a comma at the end of L6 so the reader takes a pause.
For some reason I read the last stanza as:

Breathing that air,
dazzled by the lights;
I am nocturnal.

But, anyway, that's just for your consideration.  I like the revision. The piece is stronger now.
Nice job, and glad to see you joined the union, or w/e it's called.
-Mary
 — fallinforyou

thanks for the suggestion fallinforyou, but i finally do think the poem is complete. thanks a bunch anyhow. :D
 — SweetPain

Yeah, I love how it is, I just can't help but read it that way.  I'm strange like that.
 — fallinforyou

your not strange
you just have your own unique way of looking at things.
:D
 — SweetPain

I'm not sure, but did I come by to read this and leave comment to the pre-editted post?  it seems so much the theme of the original, but if this is the edit from that original--WOW, you did a great job of really pulling this one to it own unique poem.  tremendous close as well...

Jo
 — NoWayJo

yes, it was me...I saw my previous post after posting this last one.  GREAT JOB, really!

Jo
 — NoWayJo

oh thank you so much NoWayJo! this makes all the effort worth it :D
 — SweetPain

love the atmosphere created.
 — listen

aww thanks man.
 — SweetPain

the ending is nice, short yet complete.
 — SenorSin

This seems whimmsy, and half hearted. What is it your more enamoured by, your correspondant or the city? You don't seem sure.
 — SolCarloman

the city.
the city is my love.
 — SweetPain

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