poetry critical

online poetry workshop

mandarine-colored skies

It was the coldest winter in seventy-four years, they said,
and I cannot remember ever having seen so much snow
dancing outside my window.
The smooth, silky rustling of northern winds
awoke me in early hours.
The sun was sleeping still and I beheld
the softness of clouds silently slipping down
to cover the earth in warm, white blankets.
Then, just for a moment,
the thought that everything in the world could find
most inner peace
was reflected in the mandarine-colored skies.

It would be nice if s.o. could comment on the punctuation here, I'm not quite sure if I've placed everything ideally.

5 Mar 06

Rated 7 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1): 7
Inactive (2): 8, 9

(define the words in this poem)
(38 more poems by this author)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


Just a few suggestions.
L1- perhaps end it with a period and then start L2 with I, just ommiting and.
L6- move the comma from the end to after 'still'
L10- Personally, I would remove most and put it on L9
I loved this poem, and the former suggestions are just some things that I thought would help it, but it's just one person's opinion.  This is lovely. (8)
 — fallinforyou

To clarify, I meant move L10 to L9 without most being in there at all.
 — fallinforyou

thanks for the comment fallinforyou!
I agree with most of it though I'm not quite sure if ommiting "and" in line2 and "most" in line9 could do harm to the flow of the poem...
 — sparrow

Loveliness. Lose the comma after peace ( line 11). You could tighten lines 9-12. ( quite a few unnecessary clutter words).

Lines 1-3 are beautiful. I don't think you require "down" in line 7. A special mood is caught here, languid but sirring.

 — borntodance

thanks for you comment borntodance!
just one question:
which words would you omit in lines 9-12? I'm not quite sure, "everything in the world"? or something else? again, i want to prevent disturbing the "flow":-)
 — sparrow

Newest (expand)
  • Lunar Dews
  • Salvation???
  • //bartender at suzie-Q's on thursday mornings//
  • she drives by my house every couple of weeks
  • Lost at Sea
  • pizza en retard pour nuit
  • A Run-[On] How I Hate Where They Located Me
  • Birthday
  • god will forget about the weather
  • CDXX
  • step-aside
  • flamingos that danced
  • Organic decibels
  • prohibited disorder kids
Recently Commented (expand)
Recent Best (expand)