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mandarine-colored skies
sparrow

It was the coldest winter in seventy-four years, they said,
 1
and I cannot remember ever having seen so much snow
 2
dancing outside my window.
 3
 
 
The smooth, silky rustling of northern winds
 4
awoke me in early hours.
 5
The sun was sleeping still and I beheld
 6
the softness of clouds silently slipping down
 7
to cover the earth in warm, white blankets.
 8
Then, just for a moment,
 9
the thought that everything in the world could find
 10
most inner peace
 11
was reflected in the mandarine-colored skies.
 12

It would be nice if s.o. could comment on the punctuation here, I'm not quite sure if I've placed everything ideally.

5 Mar 06

Rated 7 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1): 7
Inactive (2): 8, 9

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Comments:

Just a few suggestions.
L1- perhaps end it with a period and then start L2 with I, just ommiting and.
L6- move the comma from the end to after 'still'
L10- Personally, I would remove most and put it on L9
I loved this poem, and the former suggestions are just some things that I thought would help it, but it's just one person's opinion.  This is lovely. (8)
 — fallinforyou

To clarify, I meant move L10 to L9 without most being in there at all.
 — fallinforyou

thanks for the comment fallinforyou!
I agree with most of it though I'm not quite sure if ommiting "and" in line2 and "most" in line9 could do harm to the flow of the poem...
 — sparrow

Loveliness. Lose the comma after peace ( line 11). You could tighten lines 9-12. ( quite a few unnecessary clutter words).

Lines 1-3 are beautiful. I don't think you require "down" in line 7. A special mood is caught here, languid but sirring.

(9)
 — borntodance

thanks for you comment borntodance!
just one question:
which words would you omit in lines 9-12? I'm not quite sure, "everything in the world"? or something else? again, i want to prevent disturbing the "flow":-)
 — sparrow

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