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Shaved Blue Mohawk

A dark soup of grind and a pill of sick
to strict      seductive slips
and jig    on corporate sowing-blades  
coughing whip cream from yellow fill-
ed vertebrae
pushing back    keyhole-photographs
pulling u-turns  on memory-lane;
blueprints of amnesiac watersheds  
emotional sulk
of baby   bike   grates
     sleepy fish-heads
clock matts.

21 Feb 06

Rated 8.5 (8.1) by 4 users.
Active (4): 4, 8, 9, 10
Inactive (8): 5, 7, 7, 7, 8, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(18 more poems by this author)

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i like the word choices, but its really confusing... but maybe it supposed to be confusing?
 — topop

this is awe-inspiring.
 — midare

 — noodleman

one can only hope
to go so far with description

Humperdink in the pink rink
 — unknown

thanks for the comments s s s
its been awhile with no write. &
I'm not sure if I'm stretching my words enough?
 — crepaway

"coughing whip cream" made me cringe.. but thats a good thing. interesting read.
 — gears

not sure.. just seems like a lot of words without any message...
 — unknown

i like lines 7 and 1 the most and i like the use of the word vertebrae
 — TheHarlequin

I thought that this would be terrible, but it interests me and I like it.
 — kinseyam

mostly sonorously tight.
maybe meaningfully light.
 — bettalpha

thanks for comments boyz n' girls.
i know it aint fancy, imaginative meaning prehaps, I wrote this for my inner punk, to muse me out a corporate seminar.
 — crepaway

I'm happy that you have surfaced or returned. Eclectic, electric choice of objects-- remind me of a cluttered desktop. You are stretching your words enough. (smile)
Zen is the word. Great writing
 — borntodance

clock matts, novel.
 — Meep

thanks for the streaking comets
 — crepaway

"man. i should have gotten a blue mohawk when i was a kid.

keep up the good work cp.
ya3ni a3layk, shou intah. ;)

-the pedofile
 — unknown

shukraa - but pedofile is very scuzzzy.
 — crepaway

when a poem consists of nothing but abstractions, it's not going to be meaningful to readers, except, perhaps for what each reader wants to see.    It is, therefore, not such a good plan to employ so much abstraction.  I could re-order all the images in this poem with no loss (and no gain) of sense.    I could put the phrases in to a grab bag and pull out an equally-good poem.   So what's the value of the poem?

this is just as good:

Emotional sulk pushing back seductive slips;
a dark soup and a pill of whip cream, yellow
filled vertebrae on memory lane: watersheds,
amnesiac.  Clock matts, bike grates, fish heads,
sleepy jig on corporate baby sowing-blades.
 — netskyIam

Net sky you are-

Four out five poets believe that the value of a poem is in the motive, the purpose it was written.
Personally I believe abstraction is the only tool that can blur the Line between objectivity and subjectivity. This Line –if captured right- is true Inspiration. Apparently you just saw words. Though, the above piece makes perfect sense to me, it’s a story with a beginning, middle and an end. And Lastly, I believe that my kung foo is better than your kung foo.

PS: that was the best comment I ever got on this site thank you.

 — unknown

XD Coughing whip cream... That's amazing. ^__^ Very confusing poem though... O_o I like the word choices. Creates all sorts of wierd images in my head. Good job! ^__^
 — unknown

I really like the rhyme scheme here.  It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but that doesn't seem to detract from the poem in any way.  And, yes, I am in fact GAY.  Thanks for checking out my poem anyway.
 — TypicalMe