poetry critical

online poetry workshop

"maybe she's born with it maybe it's maybelline"

when she talked
her neck would
oscillate like a
tired accordion,
her face cinematic
100 per cent
wrinkle free,
would shrink in the
shower but
leased to please,
her teeth -
halogen lamps
to her industrial strength
tan - she irradiated
perfection and no sweat
from her glands,
angioedema lips
not angie jolie,
her palmlines
were barcodes
botox buttocks
no crease.
her granite breasts
made every doorman
swell and when
she removed
her panties
she even had that
new car smell

14 Feb 06

Rated 8.5 (8.3) by 12 users.
Active (12): 6, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (9): 4, 5, 7, 7, 7, 8, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(5 users consider this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
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Smirk.  Ohhh, truth.
I like it.
How about some expansion?
 — mouse

agreed i am working on it. i m still getting used to her smell.
 — unknown

Witty. I especially liked "irradiated perfection". Could be polished a lot, but the imperfectness contrasts nicely with the subject. Not a bad read.
 — wendz

ooh ah

oooooooooh ah

ooooooooooh ah ah

come on baby yah yah

nua nua in tua
 — unknown

wa wa goo gooo gaa gaa
 — unknown

Haha, this is funny.  I enjoyed it.
 — fallinforyou

travis loves moana
 — unknown

 — unknown

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  That last line is just a killer!
 — Isabelle5

Hmm, suspiciously like one of those Living Dolls that cost $1500 and up!  
 — Isabelle5

impertinent and pertinent.
 — unknown

yeah? yeah? you like it, you want it? ps moana loves pseudo travis more. Those better be colossal pieces of granite ur referring to. otherwise why bother?!
 — unknown

hahahahah amusin
 — unknown

wtf is this?  go home and play with your doll.
 — unknown

HaHaha.Yes sir. You write well.
 — gingerdave

 — unknown

lol new car smell... funny
 — graceb

 — unknown

Absolutely excellent ,imaginative,well put together,smooth, and thats just the tart with the spare parts. Great poem,sooo LOL
 — larrylark

using the third person was is a big mistake!

Toni Contralto
 — unknown

LOL. i know who you are. we ll get you some boobs dont worry to go with those latex labia.
 — unknown

Lordy lordy ! despicably funny!
 — unknown

 — unknown

appalling!! well least she smells better than them sheeep.
 — unknown

let us love
let us love one another
brothas and sisters
and mother fukers

Shieze Vernazie
 — unknown

I've had pwastic suwgewy too, and it is no waughing mattew
 — unknown

i did not know your  post surgical vagina was replete with sponges of verbiage
 — unknown

and the oscar goes to transamerica

dolly parton
 — unknown

this is hilarious. 10 for making me spit coffe all over myself.
 — noodleman

smegma aint coffee
 — unknown

one mooooooore facelift and she'll have a beeeeeeard

glorious vanderbuilt
 — noodleman

Wonderful, it's good to find a poet here. I loved the images that you used in this piece. I'm not sure granite's appropriate though, I think of it as being very old and worn, which I'm not sure was the effect that you were aiming at. Also, the 'better smile than the Mona Lisa' is a cliche. Your first similie is the best.
 — TheDiogenes

where have all the poets gone?

sadi stick
 — unknown

thanks. i am working on make it a little more sharp. my doll not the poem.
 — unknown

So clever, so awesome, so true!  Amen.  Great job!  I love the "new car smell" of L31 and really...aren't our bodies truly vehicles anyway??? - Excellent poem!  "10".
 — starr

I read on someone elses poem that accordian is cliché. This can't be true?
 — unknown

lol this was excellent, killer last line, love it.
 — Ink_drinker

Nice.  I like the imagery and line-breaks.  I love lines fourteen and thirty-one.
 — boromir4121

um. Line breaks papi. Maybe some punctuation. I dunno. it could be way better, doesn't quite deserve the top rated spot.
 — unknown

i liked it. good.
 — OKcomputer

I think part of the top rate part is that it's FUNNY.  Damned hard to find humor here sometimes and when it hits, you have to reward it.
 — Isabelle5

this is not funny. i cannot help it if my vulva smells of a volvo.
 — unknown

 — unknown

British snobbery

-snuggy huggies
 — unknown

 — unknown

 — weed

 — unknown

new changes
 — unknown

maybe its plasticine
 — unknown

Fabulous!  Loved it.  I'm smiling.  Thanks :)
 — CervusWright

 — unknown

 — unknown

Really good.
 — K10

blimey. perslick.
 — bettalpha

 — unknown

this is great fun, with underlying depths  
 — unknown

maybe its porcine
 — unknown

Lord Drool isn't Cool (any more)
 — unknown

never was
 — unknown

v bad
 — unknown

 — unknown

  Happy Valentine to you too! What'ya gonna get her? "New Car" by CK???!!
 — JustineCH

I hate the new car smell. Smells stale. I guess this perfect girl has some problems. Crotch rot or a horrible infection. 9/10
 — Henry

 — unknown

haha, very amusing work. granite breasts eh? welcoming, haha.

thanks for the read
 — steveroggenb

HAHAHAH love da endin
 — unknown

I think this should be banned.
The word 'born' offends me.
 — unknown

yeah, yeah, you're a champion of free speech, we're hypocrites, all that rag...

PC sees someone like you every couple of months, then you get distracted or fed up and move on

fischer-price revolutionaries
 — unknown

"Maybe she's born with it..maybe it's plastic surgery" was a line which made me laugh like hell from the Melbourne COmedy Festival some years ago. Does Maybelline have a double L? I wouldn't know, just a query.

I love "irradiated perfection", and that new car smell. This is funny because it is, but sad because it's real. Nice work man.
 — wendz

Witty. I especially liked "irradiated perfection". Could be polished a lot, but the imperfectness contrasts nicely with the subject. Not a bad read.
— wendz
 — unknown