poetry critical

online poetry workshop

The Locket You Gave Me

Always looking out for your health,
you didn't smoke or drink, and
at 72 years old, you still went
on your daily bike rides.
You broke your promise
saying you'd die last, looking after
your wife till the end. She can't live without you;
you know how she is: can't use an ATM at 67,
didn't want to have a funeral
because there would be people there.
You were so good to her, always taking
things in your stride, like the time she told off
your granddaughter for dropping 'banana
crumbs' on the floor; you only sighed,
My mother's eyes are sore;
bloodshot. She cried for you last night.
Me, I haven't shed a tear; I want to remember
only the good times, never the bad.
But it is hard, so hard.
You were perfect, a gentleman; a million times
more of a man than my own father was.
I'm afraid to go to your funeral, scared
to admit you're not with us anymore,
but I feel a duty to go, and I hate myself for
not wanting to.
Today I wore that locket, the one
you gave me that I have never worn before,
a gold heart, with a teddy bear on it;
I've never liked gold, but I still kept it all these years.
I'm wearing it today, for you, Pop.

"birth is a beginning, death is a destination, and life is the journey we must all take"

10 Feb 06

Rated 8.5 (7.2) by 6 users.
Active (6): 1, 8, 8, 8, 10, 10
Inactive (11): 1, 1, 1, 3, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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How very sad.  A good poem, could use some work, but I have no suggestions for now.
 — fallinforyou

edited slightly, hopefully improved. i want this to be perfect for him.
 — inutile

One thing I suggest, is to cap. the beginning of sentences; it makes reading and understanding much easier.
 — fallinforyou

i normally don't like to use capitals, but i have edited this. hope it's better now.
 — inutile

L9- does 'til' have two l's?  I don't know.  I think it might be 'till'.  I could be wrong.  I really do like the caps.  It looks much better.
 — fallinforyou

Inutile, this is very good. It's just those first two lines [ which are the best ] don't go anywhere. I was thinking they might be better as an ending. I also "hear" them as a whisper whereas the rest is louder, which presents a sharp contrast.

Beautiful and thank you.
 — borntodance



really deepo

wish i were a bread stick then i might be able to read this poem

thank you

v ery much enjoyed the time spent together wondering
 — unknown

Unknown above me, why did you feel compelled to leave your word droppings under a poem about a young person who lost a grandfather? You couldn't resist your own blinding wit?
 — borntodance


I've thought more and I do think the first line should be brought down to line 32, but maybe stop after "gentleman". Consider it, please.
 — borntodance

i like this.
 — listen

the ending is the ending, i won't change that. but i did move the start. thank you for being so kind.
 — inutile

This breaks my heart right in two.  
 — Isabelle5

This is beautiful. I feel for you, and hope you egt through this in the way you mentioned in lines 18 and 19, because that is what matters.
 — Rousseau

thank you both very much for your endearing comments.
 — inutile

Beautiful, a 10! Family means a lot to me. Stanza 5 is sad but we're all different!
 — wamblicante

thank you. this poem means a lot to me.
 — inutile

I love this...

...my grandparenst are both still alive, but i know their time is coming...& reading this poem has sort of brought the thought to a standing truth that they're not going to always be around, & it also kind of helps me accept that..so...

 — notetoself

the funeral was yesterday. i cried for him, for the first time, and most likely the last.

"birth is a beginning, death is a destiniation, and life is the journey we must all take"
 — inutile

Oh so sad, the ending is very good, it made my eyes hot to read it.
 — unknown

I'm not going to tear this apart for critique, it's too personal, too deep...
..and too beautiful. I'll not rate it, unless you want a 10. I absolutely love it.

 — teo_omega11

thank you teo, and thank you random nasty person for the one desecrating my work, bumping it off both lists where it could honour my grandfather.
 — inutile

I feel so sorry for you. Have a 9
 — Meep

i don't want pity-rates.

i just want this poem to be read, and my grandfather to live on through me and everyone who reads and remembers this. he was a special man, he deserves some sort of shrine for him; this is it.

if you must rate, rate with honesty and fairness, not spite or jealousy. no one benefits. the only good thing about this being on top rated and recent best was that more people read it, and honoured and cherished my grandfather with me.

teo, please, tear away if you want. i can take it, and i would love to make this poem better, perfect, even, although i doubt that would ever happen.
 — inutile

Compensation isn't a pity-rate it's due.  I'm sorry that you should chose to feel this way.
 — unknown

Congrats on being in the recent best list, you deserve it!!!
 — wamblicante

thanks wamblicante. i was actually top of both lists only a few days ago, but i should know better then to complain.
 — inutile

it's so nice to read about you celebrating his life and all the good things about him rather than wallowing in the sorrow or your loss.  it's comforting.  i never got to meet 3 of my 4 grandparents, you are very lucky.  i still have a grandma with me today, almost 90 and goin' strong, but this hinted at and reminded me of how she won't always be here.  scary thought, but i makes me treasure her even more.

i never read this when it wasn't capitalized, as fallinforyou pointed out, but i like it with caps.  they are right for this poem.
just b/c i'm picky i'll say that i found "she cried" in line 17 a bit redundant.  i immediately knew what she was doing when i read that her eyes were sore and bloodshot.  but i still think it's important to include the detail of "last night", so perhaps you could combine the 2 sentences.  maybe something like "my mother's eyes are sore; bloodshot from last night."  and especially since you say that you haven't shed a tear in the next line, it's clear to the reader what she was doing.  this is a powerful piece.

i hope you and others effected by his passing are able to move on soon.
 — woman_power

sorry, this just doesnt move me. no imagery, nothing vivid.
 — unknown

this is absolutely beautiful.

i might consider replacing scared with afraid.

thats it. lovely work and heartfelt without being schmaltzy.

i cant even bring myself to call you bitch.
 — noodleman

woman_power, i like lines 16 & 17 as they are, but thank you for taking the time to help me.

unknown, sorry you couldn't feel anything from this poem. better luck next time.

noodleman, you're lovely. i changed one of the "scared"s. thank you.
 — inutile

really good. deep. also, anyone here, please, please comment on my poems also. called I Know and well, the newest ones on the list. my other one is right above I Know. i give you a 10, round of applause!
 — unbreakable

I'm sad - so this is good! (Not much of a critique, but only because it's not needed)
 — hobby

Actually how about as an addition to line 17
She cried for you last night and the nights before (only problem is introduces a random ryhme,you would also need to change 'sore' for something like 'ache', so maybe not?)
 — hobby

hobby, i wrote this poem the day after he died. so my mother did cry "last night", but she wouldn't have cried the other nights, because he was still with us then, and there was nothing to cry about.

but thank you anyway for taking the time to think about my poem, and offer a suggestion.
 — inutile

L3-4: Could be changed to something more like this:

at 72, you still
rode your bicycle
every day.

L16: Would be better served with a comma than a semicolon.
L18: Begin with 'Myself', not 'Me'. It just looks better.
L20: Maybe try an ellipsis instead of the comma?
L21: Try it as: You were a perfect gentleman; a million times
            ;          &nbs p;more a man than my own father.
L23: Swap 'afraid' and 'scared' around in position.
L24: At the risk of sounding wordy...still try putting a 'that' after 'admit'.
L24: Replace the ', and' with a semicolon for flow.
L29: Replace the 'a's with 'the'. A definite article would serve this stanza well.
L30: I've never liked gold. Grammar problem as is. Also, put the word 'through' after 'it'.
L31: 'I'm wearing it today, Pop, for you.'

You told me to feel free to tear it apart, and I've done so. I hope I don't compromise any of the emotion you put into this, it's a beautiful sentimental piece. Good luck.

 — teo_omega11

How dare you, unbreakable, use this beauitful poem to promote your own work!

 — unknown

thanks teo_omega11. i finally altered my poem as per some of your suggestions.
 — inutile

yes it was that beer poem i was referring to. forget it tho if your just going to be a bitch about it.
 — greeneyedgrl

again, people advertising their poems under mine.

how have i been a bitch? i haven't. but i am considering it.
 — inutile

I don't think you've been a bitch. If you have, I can't remember an instance where I didn't enjoy it.

Sad poem :( Doesn't line 22 and 31 contradict? Or did I misread something?
 — coldromantic

thanks for commenting.

greeneyedgrl has something against me, and i don't quite know why.

the lines make sense to me - i call my grandfather pop. i call my dad by his name.
 — inutile

Made me cry more than I'd like to admit. Well written, too.
 — WordsAndMe

thankyou wordsandme. i'm so glad you like this poem.
 — inutile

happy birthday, Pop.
 — inutile


I love girls with devotion and heart.
 — outtolunch

I think this poem is perfect just the way it is, because its YOUR poem. And your pops would be very proud of you. You should aend it around to all your relatives, it's beautiful.
 — icepineapple

edited slightly

i feel foolish for crying
 — inutile

[Comment removed by moderator.]

[Comment removed by moderator.]

fucking australian whore
 — unknown