poetry critical

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Bring Roses
ersaph

For Susie.

If I had pence
 1
I might buy several roses
 2
and place them on your casket
 3
when you died.
 4
 
 
Or I might reconsider
 5
After reminding myself that roses will die
 6
and I might want something more permanent
 7
for my own enjoyment.
 8
 
 
Also the fact that I never liked you that much--
 9
Perhaps I should have said so when you were living
 10
So as to save myself the embarrassment
 11
of explaining why I could not deliver your eulogy.
 12
 
 
But first you would have to die;
 13
I have been waiting for that day
 14
like a soldier waiting in the trenches
 15
holding his gun, ready to shoot.
 16
 
 
We might be swimming one morning
 17
in the Atlantic
 18
when a rip-tide moves in fast
 19
and pulls you out to sea.
 20
 
 
Or eating at an expensive restaurant
 21
to which you begged to be taken.
 22
You had to have the vichysoisse,
 23
but did not know you would drown in it.
 24
 
 
Driving home in the dark
 25
one of the car's headlights switching off
 26
as another car moved head-on into ours
 27
vivisecting your spine.
 28
 
 
I might bring roses
 29
but there would be so many colours:
 30
Bloodied whites, pinks, and reds
 31
And I would leave the store
 32
 
 
wondering which to choose.
 33

31 Jul 03

Rated 8 (6.8) by 13 users.
Active (13): 4, 4, 7, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (30): 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 2, 3, 3, 4, 4, 5, 5, 6, 6, 6, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(35 more poems by this author)

(11 users consider this poem a favorite)
aerol
azalea
babydoll2007
Bloved
BoldSilence
Faulk
inutile
Isabelle5
Jsmiles05
mangina
mylastbreath



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Comments:

Shit, that's some bleak stuff. Probably the purest, most honest poetry I've read on this site today.
 — unknown

wow, such a freindly poem. I like roses.
 — unknown

No bullshit. Awesome.
 — unknown

Can I have some more ratings, comments etc.?

 — Egg

A vision of my own mortality... But where did those sudden one's come from?
 — unknown

good use of words, good alliterations
 — RSpiers1

i was going to give a one but since i like eggs i will give you a 2
 — unknown

Forces us to confront the more hostile emotions we all feel each day. Well-written and acidic.
 — ersaph

Contemptable and powerful.
 — Tomb

From the people who gave it bad ratings, can you please explain what you disliked about the poem? My idea was to express my true feelings about a lot of the people I keep close, or as a conventional way of saying, keep as friends. My feelings towards them often vacillate between the benign "warm and fuzzies" (they are, after all, my friends) and complete "I wish you would die" loathing. I can't really explain what they do to cause these feelings; I suppose I suscribe to the attitude that if you're around someone too much you begin to notice all the stupid shit they say and do. Anyway, I meant to convey this emotionally complex standpoint in my poem (Torn halfway between extreme hatred/love), as well as my own selfishness when it comes to the issues of mortality. I have reread the poem several times and cannot see why I failed to succeed, much less why this poem was worth a one; comments?
 — Egg

I actually think poet of "Bring Roses" that this was well-written. These are some very good thoughts you've put here. I really like the title and that last statement, "wondering which to choose." Nice examples as well of ways your friend could possibly die, even if I don't know what vichysoisse is. I know not why this is deserving of a one.~Chris King 10/10
 — FrChris

You don't really go into the love/hate relationship part at all but deal with mostly the hate...in fact the only part that might be considered love is your need to possibly have something of remembrance sitting on your bookshelf...but that could be viewed in the opposite way. This was well written but failed at bringing in the complete extreme of each emotion.
 — dkm

The love part is more subtle. For example, I'd probably be attending the funeral. I guess I'm more driven by hate than love.
 — Egg

This, in my opinion, is one of the best poems on this site. The metaphor of roses, with all their connotations and expectations is brilliantly subverted. The tone, just this side of ammoral and decadent is exactly right. Superb.
 — susanna15

i love roses :)


 — bttrswtd

I had never read this before it was mentioned as a comment in one of my poems. I love this. LOVE IT!
 — Isabelle5

This is one of the best poems on this site - I said it before and I'll say it again.

Opal
 — unknown

Well, I like where this seems to go, but it doesn't really follow through. Your ambiguity leaves you sitting on a fence with a picket in- well, you know what I mean. I'd try writing this out to both emotional extremes and then subtly insert the opposite into each to see what works out the best. Also, as a human, I'm irked by the lack of remorse either way. I can't tell if you're her girlfriend or if this is your the school bully you're talking about. Make it absolutely clear to me. Then I will be ready, willing, and able to embark on your ambiguity journey.
-zep
 — zepplin42

I've always thought it was your best, egg.

Rob
 — unknown

Wow, Zepplin. You completely missed the point. Let me explain:

The poem was written with both lack of remorse and moral ambiguity in mind. One of the points of the poem is that doesn't matter who it is written for (Though the headnote, jokingly, says "For Susie"), thereby allowing the reader to superimpose themselves into the poem, as either narrator or subject, or act as you did, with disgust. What I hoped readers of the poem would be able to distinguish is that this poem was written to disgust, or maybe help identify similar feelings they might have. In short, to criticize this poem from a moral standpoint is self-defeating, as the poem was obviously, consciously written with no moral standpoint in mind, and to eschew the ambiguity of the poem would be to ruin the poem altogether. If you are searching for something less blase and more sentimental, I'll redirect you to the poem "...but the roses" (I think it's called), by onion. There you will find the answers you seek less ambiguous.

Egg
 — Egg

It is the very strength of the poem.
 — unknown

Hey, egg--looks like a onester got you! It happens fast around here!
 — unknown

i'll give it an 8. it's honest and cleverly written, but, by the way, why do you hang around with this person?
 — unknown

You've never felt hatred/anger/rage for the people you hang around? You're a better person than I am. --Ersaph
 — unknown

Jeeeeez, that's viscous!!! I like. This is awesome, you deserve some applause but I don't know who you are. Nice job. (I want to read more of your stuff, this is amazing.)
 — Jsmiles05

Don't you think that line 22 "you wanted to eat at" could be better written? I loved this poem. I think it's awesome, but that one line keeps jumping out at me, cause It sounds so sloppy compared to the rest of the poem.
 — unknown

Hmm...I don't know. You might be right about this. As a clarification, the reason that line is there is so the protagonist/narrator can put more (perhaps) unwarrented blame on the person the poem is written for. Do you have any suggestions?

Thanks for writing,

Ersaph
 — unknown

This poem is a triumph - of words, of ambivalence of sentiment, of potent symbolism and imagery. The poetic voice is laconic and amoral yet desperate. The image of the vichysoisse is sublime - one comment to qualify my almost unmitigated praise - 'vivisecting'- too many syllables - I like 'dissecting' - swifter and fewer irrelevant connotations. This poem is a shining star.
 — opal

why a 1 or a 2?  Well phrases like vivisecting your spine are very forced and drowning in vichysoisse is such a messy and improbable end.  That being said, the opening lines promise quite a lot.  Well, you did ask.  I give 4 for the opening.
 — davidm

after my last comment I felt I would write something on a similar topic - ode to a dead enemy - it was a fun exercise.
 — davidm

Ersaph, I was the "unknown" who suggested you change that one line. (Sorry I didn't come back with any suggestions.) I have to tell you, this poem is all the more amazing, and I love it so much more now that line 22 matches the greatness of the rest of this poem. Thank you for changing it, even though it was for your own benifit and not for mine.
 — Jsmiles05

davidm, I'd like to see the results of your exercise. Please post them here.
 — ersaph

I actually like the indifference in this poem, I think it works very well! However at points it felt like you were stretching for a metaphor. For explanations. I'd have to ask how much you thought beforehand about each one (the swimming and the restaurant and the driving, particularly the soldier...) but otherwise the execution is pretty good. Definately not deserving of any ones...
XxXx
 — Minx

very lovely
 — picklypickle

Such a crappy little piece.
 — unknown

wow, this peice is so amazing. its original and very honest. I love your ideas. sorrey about the unknown username, im gothicsin69   i forgot to log in
 — unknown

Wow, I really like this.  It's so...wonderful?  I don't even know what to say; I just love it!
 — BoldSilence

wow
 — Darkmagick13

Still love this poem. It is pure greatness.
 — unknown

Me, too.

Rob
 — unknown

you're a sweetie. if I had a friend like you death would be welcomed
 — unknown

wow I'd hate to get on  your bad side. At least your honest and not bullshitting your way through an eulogy. This is harsh and fresh, interesting too. Reminds me of those times when I'm thinking of something scathing to say but instead I opt not too. Good work, keep it up.
 — SeraphSoul

OMG we must have mutual friends/fiends/enemies......~grins~ I think I do know where you're coming from with this one..........love it, love it, love it
 — sasha277

I loved this, it was bittersweet.  I think it describes how we feel about so many people we know. The best of poems are ones we can relate to.  Thankyou for the wonderful read -always-
 — unknown

this is fucking amazing. L1-6, 25-33 are quite possibly the best lines I have ever read. i love it. 10.
 — AEOS

i think this has a lot of potential, but it doesnt draw me in as deep as other poems. you should try 'My Dad', and 'That Which is Not'. i think its definitely a fantastic idea, but it seems to be not as emotionally chargeds as i generally like poetry to be.
 — wendz

I loved this.  Really powerful.  
 — Mirm

after a while it gets boring zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz you need to listen to Outcast's Roses . You might get inspiration. not dissin
 — sugahoneyice

geeeeez cant u put the song roses but the piano notes! u kno lyk da starting how itz a piano coz i wan da notes!

- unknown
 — unknown

Hdfjb[vhbgfjbfnvpdbkvdn ooaloajdfobfnibofnde;v fcuk me nowijgipfnfsdkc[sdf.
 — unknown

damn egg/ersaph, how many frickin personas are you anyway?! *so confused* am i the only one who noticed that ersaph commented on a poem by ersaph (this one), as if ersaph didn't write this?! whoa..this is so, so weird.
 — wendz

I think if you wrote in the love part it would take away from this poems main focus . . . I really like this. I wouldnt change a damn thing. As much as it makes me feel like shit I have felt like this.
 — InMyBlood

boring.
 — unknown

you're telling a story, there isnt any mystery
 — unknown

........i don't understand why you have to explain the damn poem....i kinda liked it..
but hell you don't have to explain it to me one way or the other....  people write here they don't know what vichysoisse is...well hell......kind of embarrassing ...look it up you lazy bastard.....you know poetry doesn't have to so fucking complicated to me.......i just like things that are original and show some creativity........i either like it or i don't..........and i kinda liked
 — unknown

this is undeserving of a one.
it's well written, and honest in a way you don't see much.
 — shakeit

Don't like L1 - "pence"!!
L27 -Would have expected you to come up with something more exotic than a car.
L29 -33 This is a bit lame considering your initial musings.

Those things apart I really liked this poem very much.  It's simply written, surprising, and makes me smile.
 — unknown

totally phsycotic and depressing. i dont know, i think i go for the more subtle stuff. love the last line though. 6
 — KLaBerge

"Psychotic," you mean.
 — unknown

Bastards`
 — unknown

man, i was afraid it would be sappy, but thank god it wasn't.  this was very good, and the feeling and tone of this whole piece was very clearly defined.
 — sassybnyss

Probably one of my my better poems. Again, it took my only a few minutes to write. The words came rushing out onto the paper. I'm preparing an anniversary edition of this, stay tuned.
 — ersaph

am i annoying? Call me- 726-4776./Brandon
 — unknown

shut up ass holes ur all gay fuckers
 — unknown

first off i am in love with this poem. i like the way the title interacts with it. and the sixth stanza is just damn brilliant. i wonder how it would go if in line 24 it said "could" instead of "would".
i'm not too sure about lines 25-26.
lines 29-33 end it brilliantly, with the triviality of the thoughts combined with how much thought you give to it.
i wonder if it's absolutely necessary to separate the eight stanza from the last line. but i guess that's a question of personal style.
 — aerol

Susie's one lucky girl
 — unknown

Ersaph, did you ever do the anniversary edition?  I want to see.

Still good reading after all this time.  
 — Isabelle5

sucks
 — unknown

rip-tide
 — unknown

OMG this is such a great dark poem it should be published. No joke. it's better dark poetry than i write when i am depressed.
i love how you use words of suspence and action. i love the ending.
i would love to read more of your poems.
 — unknown

i feel you could use a little more punctuation in the beginning.
 — sassybnyss

the word "roses" is too happy for the idea the poem is about..why would the autor want to put something more permenant on the grave if the"wished dead" girl is "not liked that much" in the first place.I see no connection between the first 3 stanzas and the rest of the poem, the shift wasn't smooth enough.
 — unknown

Its juxtaposition, and I think it works perfectly.

Devin (InMyBlood)
 — unknown

I loved receiving this randomly.  One of my first Ersaph reads and I'm still nuts about it, irreverence and all!
 — Isabelle5

I really like this poem. its like an oxymoron. I would really like to learn more about the author. i would imagine we have poetic tastes in common!
 — unknown

Bring Roses II is a "confirmed future project."
 — ersaph

hmmm, this, in my opinion, is a dog egg.
 — Meep

I still love this.  I gave it a 9, all these years.
 — Isabelle5

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