poetry critical

online poetry workshop



All Change
opal

Revolution seems an inappropriate term to use
 1
in winter, when silence and stillness lie for miles.
 2
Days dawdle, half-awake. They lounge around
 3
in pyjamas and don't do their hair;
 4
only nights seem formally attired
 5
in spangled finery; the moon, a flat piece of silver
 6
to grace a little black dress, or a gambler's coin
 7
tossed through the dark.
 8
 
 
Life's business goes on underground or inside,
 9
unseen by most, yet all unfolds unnoticed,
 10
revolving and rotating towards that time
 11
when day will emerge - sun's first blush,
 12
clean as a daisy, fresh as a whistle
 13
for no reason at all but life's pattern,
 14
and then we dance our summer revolutions
 15
careless and carefree, out of doors.
 16

19 Jan 06

Rated 9 (8) by 9 users.
Active (9): 5, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (8): 2, 3, 6, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10

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(54 more poems by this author)

(4 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

What is with the full stop on line 9?!?
 — unknown

A little pause - what's with ?!? - relax unknown commentator - you sound stressed.
 — opal

but seeing as you didn't like it - I took it away.
 — opal

ah good words. condense 12 & 13 maybe?
 — bettalpha

would love to bettalpha, but it's a tripartite pattern - essential to the rhythm at the moment, but there's nothing that can't be changed, so of course, I shall look carefully at how this might be done.
 — opal

ah. in that case. the current words seem a bit like a filler.
 — bettalpha

Written with elegance, measure poise, assurance. 'Revolution seems not...' the voice directs the reader, knows the question answers the question, disarms objections.

L3 'Days dawdle, half-awake.' Lovely, homely tone conveying the slowing down in body and mind.

L6 effortless, seamless progression from 'spangled finery' to the moon adorning the night...the 'coin' image lights the mind

'fresh as a daisy, clean as a whistle'  familiar sayings, language reflecting the recurring patterns?

'for no reason at all but life's pattern' - that we are more bound to Nature than we can rationalise

have missed your voice on PC

all the best

P:0)


tossed through the dark.
 — unknown

whoops last line on response was unintended! lol P.
 — unknown

I like this a lot. I'm going to think carefully and then maybe make some suggestions later but right now I'll just say I really enjoyed the personification, and the way you handled the subject matter.

x
 — musicwords

Lovely little poem.  
 — Isabelle5

Opal!  You and root on the same day?  And aforbing!  wait, am I dead?

I love your lines about the moon as a coin or decorating a little black dress.
 — Isabelle5

I'm not sure if I agree about the filler bit bettalpha - they're similes to balance the night metaphors in stanza 1.
 — opal

Thanks for the crit P - I'm glad you saw so much there - how splendiferous to know my voice has been missed - I've been a bit proccupied, but will try to speak when I can

x
 — opal

Please do make suggestions music - I love to read them, but your forst comment is already very good!
 — opal

Thanks Isabelle - have had a bit of a sabbatical, but hopefully will drop in regularly from now on - I missed your crits anyway,
 — opal

Dear Opal

This is a truly beautiful poem which expresses the certainty of spring while we are still chained by winter ,noses pressed against a frozen window pane,looking beyond the hoar frost wood to a leaden sky where one sunbeam slants through to strike the rutted frozen land. Stand out piece of writing

Larry close seasonal  encounters Lark
 — unknown

first two lines are awesome. everything after that... awesome.

i cannot wait until winter is replaced with summer. or spring rather. or maybe in some freak miracle this year it will be replaced with autumn. anything but winter.
i like winter. i just like it less than any other season.
:::peeks through frosted bay window:::

yeah...

This is solid.
 — Brando_O

I love line 12- The contrast between both stanzas is perfectly captured. I really can feel with this poem, nicely done!
 — sparrow

awesome
 — unknown

Glad to see one of my favourite poets is posting again.

I heard you blew your computer up, I hope you were not writing to me at the time.

Any way line 11, is that not a bit of a academic No, No.

Or is it Poetry’s answer to the Wankel engine, or even a refinement on the steam turbine engine in all its reciprocals.

You better get down the patent office quick, that line 11 could be worth millions.

Any way what would I know, I am only an ignorant shelf picker grade two thereof..

Morchuis
 — Mor

I enjoy the voice of this poem.

I like line 3-8 the best. Did you used to have a period after "on" in line 9?

Line 13 has not just one, but two cliches. But I don't mind them, because they are appropriate. I wonder whether "fresh as a whistle, clean as a daisy" would be better just because it would reverse the reader's expectation (and also because whistling at someone is rather "fresh"!).

Finally, I don't understand the title.
 — leukothea

Ah, Summer.  Lovely.
 — unknown

becuase of the title i was somehow expecting something different. actually, i don't really know why. but i was. in any case, i still think this is good, if - for me, at least - a tad unexpected. :)
 — missmurder

Thanks l, I rather like the effect that creates,
 — opal

.".. in pajamas, letting down their hair"

"only nights seem formal, spangled finery: the moon,
a flat piece of silver on a black dress."

sort of turns into a allergy medication commercial at the end; this makes the "gambler's" thing even more cartoony.
 — mikebauer

Hi Opal.

We seem to be getting all the repeat poetry lately.
I wonder why, it only takes five minutes or so to write a new one.

Back to this one, the patent obviously has not been pursued; just as well with the additional inherent flaw in line thirteen. (Did I hear you say deliberate)

Not a bad effort, if perhaps somewhat on the bland. side

Line thirteen is/was an amusing reversal of idiom “clean as a daisy” by golly, and “fresh as a whistle” how very interesting.

That will certainly go down in the poetic annals of originality.

Line fifteen I was not overly impressed with revolutions especially with the preceding fresh as a whistle. Siffle came to mind, you know the one, the sibilant rale

Come think of it sibilant rale would have been fairly original too.

I am glad to see you are now using grown up letters, it really is so much nicer and easier to read.

Mor
 — unknown

Hi Opal.

We seem to be getting all the repeat poetry lately.
I wonder why, it only takes five minutes or so to write a new one.

waat an evil thing to say, but he's doing covers of "101 favorite poems", so poetry is just word substitution for him. this poem has many fine things in it, but i think it could be made more personal and less ike an essay. the author's intrepretation of a poem, it seems to me in looking at this one, ought to be the interpretation of How the Reader's going to read it.
 — mikebauer

Despite your 101 observations, I still think revolutions were badly chosen.

Acoustically and orally it jars the senses, metaphorically it is meaningless in the context of the poem, and though I do not suppose there is any rule against repeating a word like revolution(s) twice in fourteen lines of poetry, it is in my opinion just a tad lazy.

Notice I never said anything about you.

Opal, being a poetry teacher will undoubtedly have her own views on your capabilities as a poet; I know she has rather a dim view on mine.

But what’s new, I am extremely lucky, I can live with it.

Mor  
 — unknown

"Despite your 101 observations, I still think revolutions were badly chosen.

Acoustically and orally it jars the senses, metaphorically it is meaningless in the context of the poem, and though I do not suppose there is any rule against repeating a word like revolution(s) twice in fourteen lines of poetry, it is in my opinion just a tad lazy.

Notice I never said anything about you.

Opal, being a poetry teacher will undoubtedly have her own views on your capabilities as a poet; I know she has rather a dim view on mine.

But what’s new, I am extremely lucky, I can live with it.

Mor  
— unknown"

that's ridiculous... if we're really having a discussion here, and you're not just tagging. poetry isn't about saying the politcially correct thing as its engine of truth. the truth of the poem is how it becomes an icon in the reader's consciousness. a thought transfered is a notion, not an icon. icon in mind is the inverse of opinion in social convention and conversations, nicht war? to create a poem is to create this kind of consciousness. on another forum, a blog, say, on "what should i read for poem today?", then this kind of prescriptive comment might mean something: the joe wouldn't want to read a boring poem. here, we're trying to find out how to write well so that we don't write boring poems. look at the last line in this: "careless and carefree, out of doors"... now, i know, mor, that you are sensitive to some rhetorical gestures... why not write about this figure and how it works as poetry form?
 — mikebauer

What would you like me say about it.
To me it is just a simple poetic device of no great or particular merit.
And certainly not up to the standard that I would normally expect from Opal

If only we could get rid of revolutions, replace it with carrousel perhaps

Or even responsion, I like responsion it has a certain air of reply about it.

Gives more ambience to a simple revolution

Mor.
 — unknown

What would you like me say about it.
To me it is just a simple poetic device of no great or particular merit.
And certainly not up to the standard that I would normally expect from Opal

If only we could get rid of revolutions, replace it with carrousel perhaps

Or even responsion, I like responsion it has a certain air of reply about it.

Gives more ambience to a simple revolution

Mor.
— unknown

yes, but you're not a sophisticated critic and your critique is the critique of narrative poetry. narrative poetry only exists a rap now, and rap is dead. the dog-a-long, line after line was most effectively satirised by Virginia Woolf... i believe she called the general impression she had of narrative poetry: "men".

not, that it means anything, one person's opinion on another's thought. it's just that there are changes in tone in lterature. it happens.

my specific probablem is that you say things, "this isn't" but keep from saying anything serious about the "this", like, why specifically it is wrong in this poem written by this author: it is up to the author to write the poem, not the reader. first discover the author, then see if the author's fukked up. by only blurting, you've implied that you've something more to say about something that should be so obvious. that might be the case, but you have to, in a crowded room like this, say principles once in awhile, because you're saying the same things to too many people more often, and they're starting to compare notes and there's very little substance in what you've said here.

don't you like poets? i do.
 — mikebauer

I most certainly do, the real variety, you strangely enough don’t appear to qualify.

You may likable enough I don’t know, however your poetry is a different matter altogether.
And strangely enough I cannot see the correlation between liking a poet and liking their poetry it seems somewhat illogical to me somehow.

Kissing ass (arse) in my opinion never made a great poet.

Mor.
 — unknown

i probably make you feel uncomfortable because you need more space.
 — mikebauer

Hi you are not big enough to make any one feel uncomfortable.

I knew it would come eventually.
Opal will not mind, she hates my guts.
I like Opal her honesty is refreshing
So what’s the big deal, nothing is new.
That appalling monstrosity, line fifteen.


And then perhaps we dance our summers own plie
Careless and carefree out of doors; hooray.

Only joking.

I would certainly remove the comma from after careless.

Mor.
 — unknown

umm, mor, say this in magyar, it would probably sound szezzy.
 — mikebauer

There's never been a comma after careless.
 — opal

Reverse comment in keeping with the theme of poem.

I best go and fresh for my dog, before he gets amongst those clean daisies.

Isn’t poetry wonderful?

Mor,
 — unknown

Definetly the best ive read all night - i will coment no more.
 — philoanon

It definitely was “definetly”. Sounds about right.

Mor.
 — unknown

Now this belongs on the Top Rated.
The personification of each of these concepts is classy and slick, particularly of night in L5-8.  I can't imagine how many times night been personified, but you managed to make it sexy and sophisticated and new.
I also love the duality of revolution and life against winter and night (or death).  You've made an appropriate choice in splitting the piece into these two stanzas.

I am, however, concerned with L13.  You've flipped "clean as a whistle, fresh as a daisy", which is clever but a little obsequious.  It sounds catchy rhythmically, but...

Others might see this as a rather plain arguement on seasons and human purpose, but I loved it.  9.
 — aurelius

What grand images in "Days dawdle, half-awake. They lounge around
in pyjamas and don't do their hair;  only nights seem formally attired."
I really enjoyed where your thoughts of winter took this poem.  An excellent read!
 — PeggyParis

[Comment removed by moderator.]

this could be better. for example the first line is really catching, but tis too wordy. something like "revolution seems inappropriate to use in winter" or something like that so its more succint. try it through the whole poem. plus to start with that line implies more about reovlutions throughout the entire thing
 — tragicbubble

lines 6-8... ahhhh, i really like that :)
 — GreenDreams

[Comment removed by moderator.]

[Comment removed by moderator.]

I thought all is water?
 — unknown

pajamas.
 — unknown

you say tomato.
 — unknown

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